If I Only Knew(43)

I ignore her theatrics because, it’s how she always is. Heather and Kristin are watching me and I throw my hands up with a huff. “I’m just saying that you’re all acting like Milo is the guy. He’s just a guy.”

I don’t know how to make it any clearer for them.

Sure, I like Milo. I won’t deny that or the fact that I think about him all the goddamn time. And yes, he’s been there for me in ways that have surprised me. Which is probably why I feel this warmth towards him.

And I’m not too proud to admit that he’s shown me this sweet side to him that he keeps hidden so well, one that I want to see more of.

Or that he kisses really freaking good.

It doesn’t matter that I get nervous when he comes around or that the sound of his voice does things to me. None of that is relevant because Milo and I are nothing. I’m his boss and he’s my assistant.

That’s it.

I’m not going to keep picturing his perfect green eyes, the scruff on his face, or how much I love being wrapped in his arms.

Nope. I’m done with that. I’m a strong woman and I can control my thoughts and feelings.

It’s not a big deal that all I want is to be in his arms some days. It’s only because he smells so good and I like cologne. Not that he’s strong, confident, makes me feel like I matter when he wraps me tight.

Nope.

None of that is the reason.

“Hello!” Kristin waves her hand in front of my face. “Did you hear a word we said?”

Shit. I wasn’t even aware they were talking. I rack my brain to see if somewhere I was able to pick up on something. The word “hope” stands out so I try that.

“Yeah, you said . . . to hope or maybe . . .” It’s clear they’re not buying that.

“Oh, I know that face,” Heather giggles. “That’s the she’s-got-it-bad look. You know, when you can’t focus on the world around you because some guy is taking up all your headspace?”

“Yup,” Nicole tosses a kernel of popcorn at me.

Kristin shrugs. “I’ve seen it before, too.”

“You guys suck!”

“Tell me that you feel nothing for Milo,” Kristin demands. “And don’t you dare try to lie.”

“I . . . I feel . . . I can’t say it.”

Heather gets up, sits beside me, and takes my hand. “You are allowed to feel again. You’re allowed to have another chance at love. You’re allowed to date, have sex, make bad choices because you’re a smart woman. Losing Peter was horrible, and I was really happy when you guys found a way through the shit you were going through. When he was killed, I mourned with you and for you, but that doesn’t mean the rest of your life is over. Not by a long shot.”

I nod. “It just feels so soon.”

She smiles. “Look at all of us, my friend. I was married. Kristin was married and fell in love with Noah before her divorce was final, and did you judge her?”

“Of course not,” I say quickly. “That was different, and we know it. Scott deserved to be shot, Peter didn’t.”

Kristin snorts. “Ain’t that the truth.”

“Preach!” Nicole lifts her hands up.

“Still,” Heather says softly. “We all had to go through losing our first love, the guy we were meant to be with forever and learn to let that go. Nicole is the only one who didn’t marry hers, but she still lived a spinster life with threesomes until Callum came around.”

“God, I miss double penetration,” Nicole sighs before drinking her wine.

Heather and Kristin shake their heads. “Point is,” Heather huffs. “We all found a love greater than we knew before. I’m not saying Milo will or won’t be, but the fact that you’re this conflicted tells me he’s special, Danni. I would trust that gut feeling because if you lose him, how much will that hurt?”

I don’t answer right away because the pain I feel in my chest is growing. I don’t want to lose him, I just don’t know if I’m ready to open myself to love again.

“If I never have him, it won’t hurt at all.”

“True,” Kristin says. “But can you sit here now, think of him with another woman, and not want to claw that bitch’s eyes out?”

I think back to Kandi and shake my head. “No.”

“Then there’s your answer.”

Nicole smiles. “Yup. Fuck his brains out and fall in love. It’s really the only answer to your problems.”

We all start to laugh and my friends do what they do best . . . drive me nuts and force me to recount every detail of the two kisses we shared.





“Look at how brilliant I am,” Milo says as he enters my office with papers.

He has a huge smile and is strutting like a peacock would preen. It’s cute . . . dammit. Not cute. No, annoying, dumb, or any other negative adjective because that’s what Milo is. Under no circumstances is he cute, amazing, wonderful, a great kisser, has a great ass, oh, and that accent . . .

Damn it.

There I go again.

I clear my throat as he grins at me. “What did you do that has you so happy? Get a puppy? Roast a child over an open fire?”

“Funny. Tell me first, sweetheart. Tell me that I’m the most brilliant man in the world.”