If I Only Knew(47)

Milo pulls his pants up, buttoning them, and I try to cover myself. Seriously, this is a walk of shame like no one has ever seen.

“You’re not freaking out?” he asks.

“I am, but I’m not sure what has me freaking out more right now.”

I want to be honest with him. It’s the only way this will ever work.

“Okay, tell me.”

Milo has this tough, jerk exterior, but I think inside, he’s vulnerable and wants to be cared for. It’s why his brother and mother’s low estimation bother him so much. I don’t ever want him to question what I feel for him.

“I like you, Milo. I like being around you. I like kissing you. I really liked what we just did, but I’m far from uncomplicated. I don’t want to be hurt again. But then . . . I mean, I’m your boss and this is totally against company policy—I think.”

Milo touches my cheek. “I know the owner.”

“Funny.”

I swing my legs over, letting them hang over the desk, and release a heavy sigh.

“My brother is not a problem here so cross that off your list. What’s next?”

“Okay . . . what about the fact that I’m a new widow, with two kids, working full-time, who lost her shit a few days ago in the middle of a trial?”

“Yes, all of those things are true, but I don’t give a damn.”

“You don’t?”

“No.”

I look at him like he’s crazy. “How is that even possible?”

Milo sits beside me, and he wraps his arm around me. “I’ve lived a selfish life and when I’m around you, I don’t want to anymore. I’m aware of your . . . situation . . . and Parker, Ava, the trial, and anything else you come up with have no bearings on my feelings. If me working here bothers you, I’ll quit.”

I jerk back. “What?”

“I’ll quit. I don’t need this job for the money, I’m plenty rich already.”

My jaw hangs open. If it wasn’t about money, then why the hell is he doing this? Milo did my job for years, he’s definitely the most overqualified assistant ever. It made no sense to me why he continued to show up here, so I assumed it had to be financial.

“I don’t . . . I don’t understand.”

“I told you, I’m selfish. I wanted my job back because I never should have lost it. My brother was a prick and I wanted him to get his comeuppance. Mum was driving me nuts so I got on a plane and came here. But, no, it’s not the money I need. It’s the fact that he took it away, and therefore, I wanted it back.”

“Screw the collateral damage?” I counter, meaning me.

“In the spirit of this conversation, I’ll answer you honestly. Yes.”

I get to my feet. I knew that would be the answer, but after what I did, it still stings.

His hand grips my wrist before I can walk away. “I didn’t know you, Danielle. I didn’t know you even existed.”

I close my eyes, trying my hardest to stop the crushing emotions threatening to spill over. It’s not just what he said about not even needing the job he tried to take from me, it’s the adrenaline wearing off and looking around at the mess. I had sex for the first time since Peter died.

Hell, I hadn’t had sex with anyone else since I was freaking twenty-two.

What the hell did I do?

Oh my god.

I grab the desk and lean back. Milo’s arm is around my waist a moment later.

“Danielle?”

I look at him and guilt, shame, and regret start to fill me.

“No.” His jaw ticks. “I see what you’re doing and stop right now. Did you hear nothing that I said?”

“You don’t get it. I liked it, Milo! I wanted it. I wasn’t thinking like the adult here. I begged you.” I grip my hair. “Jesus Christ. I begged you and I . . .” I blew him.

I was on my knees with his dick in my mouth.

I can’t remember the last time I gave Peter a blow job.

With Milo, I wanted to. I was so turned on by the idea of sucking his dick that I practically begged him to let me.

“I’m not going to lie and say that doesn’t make me rather happy. But so what? We’re consenting adults that had sex. I don’t see the problem or what has you so upset.”

No, he wouldn’t. Tears start to well in my eyes and I wrap my arms around my chest. It’s not just about the sex for me. I’ve never been that kind of girl, and I don’t think I ever could be. I’m no prude, but I believe that sex should mean something. I’m old fashioned in some ways, and Milo very much is not.

I know when I say this, it may not make sense, but maybe this will help us walk away at this point before I’m in too deep.

“I was married for almost my entire adult life. I would still be married to Peter if he wasn’t dead. I’ve only had sex with one man before him. What we did . . . what we shared just now, that meant something whether you know it or not.” I wipe away a tear and another one forms. “I know that it’s not the same for you. We aren’t anything and you owe me nothing. God, I sound like a crazy person. Please don’t think I’m asking for you to share my views. I don’t need for you to give me any hope for something more.”

Milo takes a step forward, he wipes the tear from my cheek. “You don’t have to ask me for anything when I’m trying to give it to you,” his voice is filled with tenderness. “My feelings for you aren’t only sexual. Don’t misunderstand, I want to continue to have sex, but I also want more than that.”