If I Only Knew(42)

“I’m not pretending anything. I’m dealing with my life the best I can. Am I a little overwhelmed? Yeah. I mean, my teenager is a freaking lunatic, Parker asked about his father again, I’m working full time and trying to pay bills, and I’m going to be fucking forty in three months.” I pull my hair up into a pony tail. “Oh, I also kissed Milo,” I blurt out.

Might as well get this over with.

Both of them sit their glasses on the table and then look at each other with their jaws hanging open. “This just got interesting.” Heather says.

“Yes, because me screaming like a maniac in court wasn’t ridiculous enough?”

Kristin shrugs. “She means the good shit.”

“I know what she means, “I huff.

Nicole opens the door and then knocks. “Hey, sorry I’m late. I couldn’t get Colin to sleep and God knows I’d get a hundred phone calls if I tried to leave him with his—” She stops talking, taking in the room. “—what the hell is going on here?”

“Danielle kissed Milo.”

She smirks at me. “Oh, I know all about that. Callum caught them in her office. Naughty girl. I hope you have some dirty desk sex while you’re at it.”

I drop my head in my hands. “I can’t with you people.”

Nicole laughs. “Did you think he wasn’t going to tell me? He said it was super uncomfortable to watch. That you were all panting and shit and Milo was super anxious through lunch. It seems you like a little British action too. Oh!” she yells and claps her hands. “We’ll be legit sisters!”

Kristin bursts out laughing. “All of our dreams right there. Being sisters with the nutcase of the group.”

“Please,” Nicole huffs. “You wish you had me as a sister.”

Heather giggles. “We wish we could erase the years you thought you were our sister.”

My friends are absolutely insane. There’s never been a doubt about this, but I’m not marrying anyone. Hell, Milo and I kissed—twice. That’s it.

“I think everyone needs to simmer down a bit. It was a mistake, okay? I’m clearly having a midlife crisis of sorts and this is just me . . . not handling it well.”

“Or you’re finally getting a second chance at things,” Kristin suggests.

“The fairy tale mentality is gone for me, Kris.”

“Right, because when I was considering going for Noah you were so pessimistic?”

She was a totally different story. Her husband spent years making her small and insignificant. He shit on her and she deserved to be happy again. I wasn’t miserable in my marriage when Peter was killed.

“It’s different and you know it. How can any of you even think this is a good, juicy story? My husband . . .”

“Don’t even,” Nicole cuts in. “Your husband was not our favorite person and you know it. Peter got better the last two years, but let’s be real, even you fucking hated his ass for a long time. You almost divorced him how many times? Don’t use Peter as your get out of love card.”

“Really, Nic?” Heather playfully slaps her arm.

“I didn’t think lying to each other is the way we do things in this group.”

Nicole looks at me and waits for me to say something. No, she’s right, in this group we don’t hold back and we don’t lie to each other. We’re honest no matter what and after our feelings are hurt and we act like the bitches we are, we hug it out and move on. Nicole never liked Peter.

Kristin does what she does best and tries to smooth it over. “You know that I loved Peter like a brother, right?”

I nod.

“Okay, then hear me with an open heart. Loving someone in the past doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love in the future, Danni. Maybe this thing will have been a make-out session. Maybe you’ll kiss him again and then walk away. But what if it’s not? What if he’s more? What if Milo is your next real love, but you weren’t brave enough to see?”

I try to hear what she’s saying. Somewhere inside of me, I want to be at peace with it. Peter wouldn’t want me to spend my life alone. He wouldn’t want our kids to not have a man to look up to and even love his children. That’s not how we felt about things. I don’t know that Milo would ever be his choice.

Or if he’s mine.

“Can we not talk about this?”

“Nope.” They all answer in unison.

Saw that one coming.

“Here’s the thing, we kissed two times. Two. That’s it. Milo has pretty much told me in no uncertain terms that he’s not a relationship guy. His own brother doesn’t think that highly of him.”

Nicole raises her hand. “In Milo’s defense, Callum can be a little judgmental. He didn’t exactly see the jewel I am until I pretty much forced him.”

“Yes, you’re a fucking diamond,” Heather laughs. “Or maybe cubic zirconia . . .”

“And fuck you, I’m every stone there is because we’re all perfect. However, we’re not talking about me, here. We’re talking about Danielle and her disaster of a love life.”

“How noble of you to allow me to have the floor,” I roll my eyes.

“You’re welcome. Please, continue,” Nicole instructs.