If I Only Knew(41)

“Like I said, I was an accident. And I’m sorry for his family and all, but there’s a chance he abused his wife and kids – that’s what I heard anyway. So if that’s the case, maybe it’s not the worst thing that could have happened.”

And I lose it.

I’m out of my seat, unable to control my emotions a minute longer.

“Liar!” I scream out. “You stole him from us and you have no remorse! How dare you!”

“Order!” The judge calls.

I continue to yell, but I don’t know what I’m saying. Just anger and devastation come out from my lips. That bastard killed my husband in cold blood and now he’s trying to tarnish his memory.

Milo’s arms are around my waist, pulling me out of the courtroom while the judge bangs his gavel and yells for order over and over.

My heart is pounding so hard in my chest I worry I’ll bruise. I hate him. I hate that I’m so weak and I came here anyway.

When the door closes, I collapse in Milo’s arms. He holds me to his chest as I fall to pieces. I cling to him, trying to bury my face because no one should see me.

“It’s all right, Danielle,” Milo tells me as I sob. “You’re all right now.”

I’m not all right. I’m a crazy person who lost it in the courtroom. No one will remember Peter’s smile. They’ll see his psycho widow screaming at a man on trial. I did this. I know better, but I couldn’t stop myself.

Anger replaces my shame and I suddenly don’t want comfort.

“No, it’s not!” I push back out of his arms. “I just delivered the defense a small victory. I did that. I gave them something.”

“You gave them nothing.”

“I did!” I tell him. “I fucking know better. I need to leave. I knew I couldn’t handle this. I can’t handle anything because everything I touch falls apart.”

Milo grips my arms, stopping me from walking away. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”

“Did you miss that scene in there, Milo? Did you close your eyes and miss the lunatic that went crazy in there?”

“You don’t see how magnificent you are. You’re handling the weight of the world and you don’t give yourself any credit, do you?”

I’ve done nothing but fuck things up left and right.

“Please,” I scoff. “I don’t deserve credit for anything. Don’t you get it? I destroyed everything!”

He’s not hearing what I say, though. He takes two strides forward and pulls me in his arms.

I may be falling apart, but he’s holding me together. Milo leans his forehead against mine. “You don’t see yourself.”

I wish that were true. But I saw everything I just did, and none of it I like. “You only see what you want,” I say.

Milo lifts his head, wiping the tear that’s slowly falling, leaving little black rivers against my skin. “I see you. I wish I didn’t sometimes. You can continue to push back, and that’s fine, but I’ve been dealing with people doing it to me my entire life, Danielle. I’ve gotten bloody good at fighting back and I’ll fight for you.”

I’m not pushing him away. I’m breaking apart. There’s a difference. All my fight is gone. Watching that was too much. “You don’t want me, I’m damaged.”

“And I’m not?”

“Not in the same way, Milo.”

He rubs my cheek with his thumb. “All of us are imperfect. All of us have flaws. All of us are undeserving of something, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want more.”

Another tear falls as I look at him. “Why are you here? Why did you come for me?”

“Because I needed to see you.”

The walls that are usually around him are down. There’s a vulnerability in his eyes. Something I saw the other night, and it shakes me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m emotionally raw or because of what he’s shown me the last few weeks, but I lift my hand to touch his face. “What’s happening with us?”

Milo brings his lips to my forehead and places a soft kiss there. “I don’t know, but I’m not sure I’m strong enough to stay away from you.”

I look up at him, realizing that even during this nightmare of a trial, I wanted him. I wished he would be here so I could lean on him. He’s been there for me in a way I didn’t expect, and I find myself craving him.

“I’m not either,” I admit.

Slowly, Milo brings his lips to mine. Softly he kisses me, and for one second, I don’t feel like I’m a mess. I feel safe, and that’s a very bad thing to feel in his arms.





Chapter Nineteen





Danielle





“So you burst out screaming at the defendant?” Heather asks while pouring a glass of wine.

“Yup.”

“Not your finest moment, huh?” Kristin giggles as she tucks her legs under her butt.

I roll my eyes. “Obviously not.”

“Well, I can’t say I blame you, Danni. You’ve been holding in a lot of crap and trying to pretend life is great,” Heather’s voice is full of compassion.

I don’t know what else to say at this point. If I cry too much, I feel like a burden. If I don’t break down, I’m too strong. There’s no right way to handle things.