If I Only Knew(36)

“Your hair is all jacked up.”

“Enough,” I give her my best mom voice. “Inside.”

She laughs. “This is great.” Then the child does something I might actually beat her for. She grabs her phone, takes a photo, and then runs inside. “Hashtag, busted!”

“Ava! Get back here!” I yell as she closes the door. “Oh my God! What was I thinking? What the hell was I thinking?”

I lean back and tears begin to form. I’m so stupid. I shouldn’t have kissed him. I’m an idiot. Milo works for me and he’s trying to take my damn job. Seeing him any other way is stupid. This could be what he wants.

“Danielle,” he says my name, but I can’t look at him. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine. I have to go. I never should’ve been here with you. I’m a total idiot. Why did I kiss you? Why did I let myself think this . . .?” I trail off and get out of the car. My heart is racing as the consequences of my error catch up to me. I kissed him. In front of my house where my freaking daughter saw.

Clearly, I wasn’t thinking. I was being so selfish and I didn’t take any of the reality like my kids, my job, my life into account. I just wanted his stupid, perfect lips.

The cool night air hits me and I start to walk, but these fucking shoes hate me and I sink into the grass, and fall.

As if this night could get any worse.

“Really?” I say looking toward the sky. “Really?”

I start to get back up, but Milo’s hands are already on my waist helping me.

“Stop,” I say pushing him away. “I don’t need help. I’m fine and you need to go.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

I get to my feet, slip the stupid shoes off and trudge barefoot toward my door. I can’t believe I let myself slip like this. I was so caught up in being conflicted that I let my stupid emotions get the better of me. I wanted him so much. I wanted to be wanted more than anything and for all I know this was a game to get me to let him in.

How easily I caved.

“What the hell is going on?” Milo asks as he grabs my arm, stopping me from climbing the steps to my house.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

I try to pull my arm back, but he won’t let go. “This was a mistake.”

“A mistake?” he asks.

“What are you, a parrot? Yes. This. Whatever that was.” I point with my shoes to the car. “Can’t and won’t ever happen. I don’t know what this is that you’re doing, but I’m not playing around. I have other people to think about and I can’t lose my job because you’re getting me to . . . whatever your plan is . . . won’t work.”

His hand drops. “You think that’s what I was doing? Playing some silly game with you?”

My chest tightens when I see the hurt flash in his eyes. “Yes! I know what you want and the fact that you could play on my emotions to get me to be so dumb is low. I need to go inside.”

Pulling away, I suddenly feel stupider than I did before. I’m emotional and a sense of guilt is hanging over me.

I know Peter’s gone. I know I’m single, but all I could think about when Milo was touching me was how much better his lips felt.

How Peter was never possessive.

How Peter didn’t kiss me that way.

How Milo was different and I liked it.

God, I’m a horrible person.

“Do you really think I’m pretending? Did you not sense the way I wanted you all night and even the days leading up to it? Do you think I make it a point to support people I barely know the way I’ve tried to do with you? If this was a game, as you so say, why would I help you? Wouldn’t I let you fall and laugh at the outcome?”

“I don’t know what to think, but I’m not a child who can go around making out with employees!”

He laughs. “Please, that was hardly making out. We’re grown-ups, blowing off steam and clearly you’re attracted to me, not that I blame you.”

“You arrogant asshole. You were coming onto me all night.”

“Was I? I was rather busy with Kandi if you recall.”

“Wow, I was right about you. We’re all pawns in your little chess game. Here I thought you were a good man, my bad. Won’t make that mistake again. You’ve told me all along who you are. I should’ve listened the first time. You’re exactly what your family says.”

Milo takes a step closer, his back is straight. I can sense the pain my words just brought him. It was a low blow, but he’s not exactly fighting fair either.

“I’m not this man, Danielle. Make no mistake, I’m not the good guy you want, but I’m not the villain either. I’m not playing a game to take your job. I kissed you because I wanted you, but clearly I had an error in judgement as you pointed out.”

Milo’s hurt is gone and has been replaced with anger and disappointment.

“I didn’t—”

“You don’t have to say anything else. I think you’ve made yourself rather clear on your feelings about me. I’m sorry you feel that kissing me was such a mistake. I’ll ensure you don’t make the same one twice. Besides, it was just a kiss. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things, does it? Not like we’re ever going to be more once things shake out the way I plan. Goodnight, Danielle.”