If I Only Knew(35)

I want . . . I want . . . I want to know if this is real or not.

I want to remember what it feels like to be kissed, wanted . . . touched.

And I want it to be him that shows me.

But there’s a part of me that isn’t sure if it’s the right thing or not. I worry this will only complicate things.

I open my eyes, looking for answers in his stare, wanting to know if I’m overthinking this or if maybe he’s kidding. I see the confliction, longing, and hope swirling around, but there’s a softness on the edge of it all.

“I’m scared,” I admit again.

He closes his eyes, pressing his forehead to mine, and I move my fingers down his arm. Life is short. I’ve seen it first-hand. I’ve loved and lost, but somehow, I survived the hurt. I don’t know what this is or why I feel it, but I do.

Maybe it’s the way he looks at me sometimes. Maybe it’s how he treats my kids. Maybe it’s the way when I was falling apart, he held me together. Whatever the reason is, I like him. I feel something and tonight it’s impossible to deny.

“I’m a fool,” he says quietly.

No. He’s not. I am. I’m the fool who wants him but is too afraid. I bring my hands back to his wrist and say the words that have been on the tip of my tongue.

“Kiss me.”

Milo’s head snaps up. “What?”

“Kiss me,” I say again. “Kiss me before I change my—”

And he does. His lips press against mine and I freeze. Milo’s mouth is firm but not rough as he holds my head steady. I don’t move. I can’t because his lips are touching mine. My head starts to spin and I try to focus on the feeling of it, but I’m thrown.

He pulls back. “If you want me to kiss you, you better kiss me back, get out of your head.”

“I-I was just shocked,” I try to explain.

“Kiss me like you want me. Unless you’re too afraid, and would prefer I kiss someone else?”

He wants me to kiss him? Oh, I’ll kiss him.

“Shut up,” my voice is hard. I don’t want to think about him kissing anyone else.

“Make me.”

“Fuck you!”

“If you’re offering . . .” Milo tosses back. “Or you can prove that you’re not afraid and show me you know what you’re doing.”

“You want me to kiss you?”

His nose brushes mine. “Yes.”

“Fine.”

Asshole. I’ll show you what kissing me is like.

I grab his face and lean over the console. I kiss him hard, unyielding, and with everything I have. He’s just as rough with me and suddenly I’m back in my seat again with him holding me. I push against his lips as he leans harder against me. His tongue slides across my lips but I don’t let him in.

Milo lets out a low groan that boarders on a growl when he tries again. That’s right, buddy. I’m not meek or mild. I can blow your fucking mind.

Finally, I open my lips just enough and when our tongues touch, I’m gone. No longer do I have any control of this kiss. Milo has seized it from me or maybe I’ve given it to him. Either way, I couldn’t care less. His hands tangle in my hair, holding me to his mouth as I grip the collar of his shirt.

I’ve been kissed, but never like this. Never have I felt weightless and yet aware at the same time. No one has ever made my head swim or heart race like this. I crave more. This is a kiss that women dream of.

The movie scene is set, lights are dim, and all anyone can focus on is us.

I move my hands to his neck, holding on because I might float away.

Milo devours my mouth, and I couldn’t fight him if I tried.

With each brush of our tongues I melt deeper into his arms. Even in the car where there’s no space, I can’t get close enough to him.

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the window and I shove him off me.

Oh my God.

I struggle to catch my breath. The windows are completely covered and the heat inside the car is stifling.

Another knock. “Umm Mom?” Ava’s voice is full of amusement. “Are you and Milo okay?”

“Shit,” I mutter.

“Do you guys want to explain why the car is foggy?” she asks while cupping her hands to the window trying to see in.

“What the hell am I going to say?” I ask him.

“That you’re an adult and for her to mind her business. Or that you and I were snogging and you like me.”

“What the hell is snogging?”

“It’s kissing, Mom. You know, like in Harry Potter . . .” Ava explains. “Seriously, Mom I know you’re in there. I can hear you.”

Damn it. I can’t believe I got so carried away. I shift my dress so its back in the right place and she knocks on the window again, which causes me to jump.

“Jesus!”

Instead of Milo trying to fix his shirt, hair, or anything else that got messed up, he leans over me, pressing the window down.

“Can we help you?”

Ava grins and looks at me. “Thought it wasn’t a date? And your lipstick is totally ruined.”

When I was a teenager, I never got caught making out with my boyfriend. As a grown adult, I get busted by my teenager. Oh, the irony.

“Go inside,” I say.