I Love You to Death(70)

If only they knew how much I blamed myself. If only they knew how much his death destroyed me too. If only they knew what kind of life it forced me to live. If only they knew what I’d done, what I’d lost.
I almost hated them for not being able to see the truth about me.
∞

Luke says nothing as I tell him all of this. Says nothing, just holds me in his arms, stroking my hair like he’s done so many times before. When I finish, I’m exhausted. My tears have dried up now, there’s nothing more inside of me, but Luke has never let go of me. It’s still freezing in my apartment and I reach for a throw rug to pull around us.
"Ash," he finally says. "You know this is not your fault, you know they were all just accidents right? You didn’t do this to anyone, you aren’t the cause of all this."
I shake my head. "No," I finally get out. "It’s me, knowing me gets people killed. I get all the people I love killed."
Luke smooths my hair back from my face and I feel his lips brush lightly over my forehead. "Deep down Asha, I know you can’t believe you’re the reason for all of this. They’re just unfortunate accidents that have happened. You aren’t to blame for this, for any of it," he says softly.
I look up at him, I want to believe him. I want so badly to believe that none of this is my fault. But I can’t, because it’s been happening for so long now and it’s always connected back to me.
"This is not something you are doing Asha," he continues, his voice gentle. "This is not something you are choosing to do to people. That’s not how it all works."
"I want to believe you Luke, I really do. You have no idea how much I wish I wasn’t doing this. That knowing me didn’t mean you ended up dead. But I can’t, I just can’t," I say, frustration building in me. "And I can’t let anything happen to you, I just couldn’t live with myself if it did. I can’t bear the thought of something bad happening to you," I whisper, seeing all of my sadness reflected in his face. "I really wish I could stop all of this from happening, but I can’t and because of that you and I….we…we…it’s…"
I can’t finish what I know I need to say.
Luke lets out a deep breath. He kisses me gently and I let him. I really need to let him go, but it’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking, because he pulls me even tighter against him, his arms wrapping around me as he holds me in his lap.
"Ash, the reason I don’t talk to my parents anymore…." His voice is very quiet now.
I close my eyes briefly, wondering what he hasn’t told me, what he could possibly say to make any of this better. He moves his fingers through my hair, gently down the side of my face, before continuing.
"When I was a kid, I had a really shitty childhood, I mean really shit. My parents were really strict, very controlling, my Dad especially. But he wasn’t a nice guy. He was not a nice guy at all."
Luke takes a deep breath before he goes on. "I was a smart kid, a genius everybody called me. And my parents, my Dad, he used that against me. He pushed it, pushed me. Forced me to study and study, all the time. Took me from my regular school and sent me somewhere else. With kids who were supposedly just like me. To study all these highly advanced math programs that I had absolutely no interest in studying. I just wanted to go back to my old school, to my old friends. But they wouldn’t let me. They told me I was staying, that this was where I belonged now." He takes another deep breath, kissing the top of my head. "But I never wanted to be there. I never wanted any of it and I never got to have a normal childhood. Never got to do the things I wanted to do. All I ever wanted was learn to play guitar and hang out with my friends, play video games and watch TV, just like a normal kid. I just wanted to be normal."
He stops again, running his hand over his face and his head.
"I remember being so excited when I was about sixteen. I won this stupid big math thing that I’d never wanted to be in anyway, and my parents were finally relenting and buying me a guitar. I’d been begging them for ages and they finally caved. I don’t know why, but when they gave it to me, it was a violin and a book of classical music. Said if I was going to insist on playing an instrument, then I was going to learn proper music. I was so pissed off. I mean what sixteen year old kid wants to learn the f*cking violin. I couldn’t understand why my parents never listened to me. Never heard what I wanted. I wanted a guitar and they’d promised me that, but then they ignored me and bought me a f*cking violin."
He’s not smiling now and I can see the frustration and anger he still feels.
"Then by the time I was eighteen, they’d made the decision about where I was going to college and what I was going to study. They never once asked me what I wanted. Not once. They just sent off the application, paid whatever fee was due and that was it, decision made and they’d never asked me a damn thing."
I watch as Luke closes his eyes. The lingering frustration is all over his face and I can’t help but wonder if he’s ever told anyone else this story.
"Eventually I lost it. I just couldn’t stand it and completely flipped out, had enough. I didn’t want to do any of it anymore. I didn’t want my parents telling me what I was thinking or what I wanted. Knew they had no right to tell me how I should be living my own life. I was sick of never being allowed to make my own decisions about anything. Sick of never being allowed to just be me, the person I wanted to be. So after a year, I dropped out of school and I left LA. I just left and ran, eventually wound up in Boston. Not long after I learnt to cook. I shaved off my hair and I got the tattoos. And I started playing my music, finally learning the guitar and playing the music I’d always wanted to play. Along the way, I met Jared and eventually, we started thinking about forming the band."