I Love You to Death

I Love You to Death By Natalie Ward


∞
Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.

Most people live and die with their music still unplayed, they never dare to try.

but

If music be the food of love, play on.

∞



Unknown; MK Ash; W. Shakespeare



Zero is neither positive nor negative only empty, absent, nothing.
∞

Playlist:
1. The Kill – 30 Seconds to Mars
∞

I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t do this. I just can’t keep going through this.
The whole room is spinning. I am so drunk, but all I want to do is keep on drinking. I want to drown in it, want to block out this pain and this hurt. I want to feel nothing, I want to be empty.
I really want to sleep but it’s too painful, too scary. Another drink, I need another drink. Passing out would be a much better option.
Shit, the bottle is empty.
I move along the shelf and grab the next one, it’s almost empty too. I’m swaying to the spinning room now. The whole world feels like it’s spinning, spinning to my pain. I wonder what that sounds like.
"Oh god," I cry out loud. There’s nobody to hear me, nobody to see me as I pick up the plain white envelope with For Ash written across the front of it.
Sam, oh Sam how did you know? How did you know Sam?
I can’t read it, don’t want to read it, because then it will be real, and it can’t possibly be real. I don’t want it to be real.
"Oh god Sam, please, please come back to me."
The hardness of the wooden floor slams into me. I’m on my knees, the floor is wet with alcohol and my tears.
I don’t want to be here. I can’t do this anymore.



If zero is nothing, then by definition, one is the probability of an event that is certain to occur
∞

Playlist:
1. One – U2
2. Cut – Plumb
3. Running Up That Hill – Placebo
∞

There’s only one certainty in life.
Death.
No matter what anyone says, it’s the one thing you can’t avoid, can’t put off, and can’t stop. It’s inevitable, and unfortunately it can happen when you least expect it.
It’s been the story of my life.
∞

I was only one minute old when it first started. I’m twenty-five now and it still keeps happening to me. People dying, all around me, people just keep on dying.
I didn’t even realise it had anything to do with me at first, that I was the one doing this to all the people I loved. But it kept happening, and it got closer and closer until one day, it got so close there was simply no other explanation and that’s when I knew.
Since then, especially since the last one, I’ve been alone. I’ve kept myself apart from all the people around me. I’ve avoided making any real friends, don’t spend too much time with any one person and I definitely can’t let myself fall in love again. Because now I’m afraid, afraid of killing them, but most of all, I’m afraid of becoming attached and then losing them. It literally destroys a part of me every time and I’m really not sure I can handle any more of it.
Losing Sam broke my heart. I felt like it was literally ripped from my chest and I was left struggling to breathe, fighting just to survive. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to suffer that loss, that pain, that crippling agony I can still feel even now, weeks after he died.
He was the only person I told all of this to, the one person who I confided my deepest, darkest secrets in. I was only nineteen when I first met him and I’d already lost six people by then. By the time I eventually told Sam, we’d been together for almost a year. I should have told him earlier, I know that now. Had I known for sure, I never should have been with him in the first place, but I was young and I fell in love and I wanted him, simple as that. He came into my life at a time when I really needed him and that made it very hard to walk away.
After I told him, he did take it all very seriously, even though I don’t think he ever really believed me.
"Maybe it’s just dumb luck Ash?" he would say, trying to convince me. "You know, just the wrong place at the wrong time?"
As the years went on, a small part of me wanted to believe that was the reason, although really, the evidence was stacking against me. But, he was still alive. After years of us together, Sam stayed alive. Whenever we talked about it, whenever I suggested we break up so he would be safe, or when I half-heartedly picked a fight with him out of fear, he laughed a little. But not in a demeaning way, more of a – you’re silly, but cute and I still love you kind of way, before he kissed me and said what he always said.
"But I’m still here babe."
God I really wish he was. I miss him so badly. Miss the easy conversation we had and the easy silences we could sit in. I miss just seeing his face every morning when I wake up or the press of his lips on the back of my neck every night when I go to sleep.
In the end though, I never could convince him to leave and I couldn’t find the courage to walk away from him either. It was selfish of me I know that now, but like I said, I was in love with him and I needed him.
But now he’s gone and I have no one. I’m lonely and I’m miserable. I wake up every morning hating my life and the way I have to live it. I want to have friends, I wish I still had my family and I really want someone to love, someone who loves me in return. I really just want Sam back.