I Love You to Death(8)

My life has become all about hiding things, myself especially. Having one version I show to the world and one, the real one, which I keep just for me. Trying to live like that is hard, confusing and exhausting. But I don’t have a choice; I have to keep them separate. I have to make it work, so I figure I have two possible options.
The first is living but staying away from everyone. Of course running away might help, but where would I move to? I know Boston and like living here. I don’t know where else I could go. Plus the same problems would eventually arise. People meet me, people want to get to know me, and people end up dying because of me.
The other, more obvious one is death. I have considered suicide, briefly. I’m not going to lie, it scares me. I don’t want to try it for the simple reason that I don’t actually want to die. What I want is to stop everyone else dying. The problem is I can’t seem to do that, so I’m forced to resort to option one.
Option one is in many ways, harder. So I do the only thing I can, I stay afraid, I keep my distance and I bury it. I pretend and I lie to everyone around me that my life is completely normal. Even though I know, deep down I’m really only lying to myself.
∞

At work the week after the email incident with Luke, I decide it’s best if I just ignore him. I’m not sure what inspired him to contact me like that, but for his own sake it’s best if I don’t encourage it.
Under any other circumstances, his attention would be flattering. But after everything that’s happened, it’s just too dangerous. The problem is, Luke seems determined not to ignore me now. It’s like he wants to talk to me. Now it’s not just a case of me asking, "Hey Luke, want a coffee," and getting a, "Yeah sure thanks," in return.
Now it’s, "Hey Ash, how are you today, you do anything interesting last night?"
What am I supposed to say to that? No I didn’t do anything interesting. I never do anything interesting because I can’t do anything interesting by myself and I can’t ask anyone to do anything interesting with me. But of course that’s not what I say to him. Instead, I become the other me and I lie. "Yeah, hung out with a friend, watched a movie, you know."
He smiles in response and says, "Cool, maybe we should catch a movie sometime," in an off-hand way that half makes me think he doesn’t really mean it, and half makes me wonder if he does. My mask stays in place though. I smile, say nothing and go back to whatever it was I was doing.
Problem is, the mask occasionally slips and when it does, the real me gets out.
And that’s what happens today.
We have these two fish in a little tank on the counter in the shop. They’re nothing special, just regular gold fish, but I like them. I never had a pet growing up which is probably for the best when you think about it. Even though I have no real interaction with these two, I like coming in and finding them in the mornings. I feed them, maybe chat to them a little and then just get on with my day. This is pretty much what happens today. Except when I come back to the front after taking Luke his coffee, one of the fish has jumped out of the tank and is now flopping around on the counter.
"Shit," I say without thinking.
I don’t realise how loud I’ve said it until Luke comes out from the kitchen. "What’s up, everything alright Ash?"
I’m trying to pick the fish back up. It’s half jumping out of my hands, its last breath leaving its tiny body, and half slipping out. When it falls on to the floor, I bend to pick it up.
"Shit," I say again, dropping it back into the water. Luke is standing beside me now, a half smile on his face as he watches me try and rescue this stupid fish that’s apparently just decided to commit suicide. As I stand there watching the tank, one fish swimming alone in the bowl and one fish having thrown itself to its death, I can’t help but wonder if this is a sign or something. If maybe I should be seeing more here.
Which is the better option – all alone or all over?
Watching the dead fish now floating on the surface and the other fish coming up to it, as though it’s trying to ask what’s wrong, I wonder whether I should even be thinking about this at all. Should I just stop thinking and actually do something? The idea makes my head hurt and I have no idea what any of it means.
And just like that, I can feel myself slipping. Suddenly the mask I try so hard to keep in place, feels like it’s falling off. Suddenly every painful secret that I hold inside of me wants to come out, as though they’re all trying to escape like this stupid, dead fish. I can feel myself sliding and even though I’m trying desperately to hold on, today it’s just not enough.
With my hands on the counter, I lean down and press my head between them. "Shit," I mumble again.
"Hey Ash, it’s just a fish," I hear Luke say gently.
A deep breath escapes me. Of course it’s just a fish. It’s nothing more, it’s not a sign.
"Yeah I know Luke." My voice is flat and sounds foreign, even to me. "Just a stupid fish."
And that’s when I feel it. His hand. On my back. Gently rubbing it.
He doesn’t say anything, just slowly rubs circles on my back. I’m too scared to move, to even acknowledge what he’s doing. How did we go from me making him coffee, to him comforting me because of a stupid dead goldfish? This shouldn’t be happening. No one has touched me since Sam and now Luke has done it, twice. Inside, my body is rebelling, trying to tell me to get up, trying to make my head lift up off the counter and my legs walk away from him. Move, I’m screaming on the inside, while somehow remaining frozen in place on the outside. This isn’t good, he really shouldn’t be touching me.