I Love You to Death(9)

Eventually it’s Luke who moves. He leans over me, scoops out the dead fish with his hand and takes it somewhere to get rid of it. I feel his whole body as it presses against mine and it’s all I can do not to explode in response.
Because when he does this, it all comes flooding back.
The longing to be touched again, to be comforted as he has unknowingly just done. No matter how much I pretend I don’t want it, I still do, I still want all of it. It’s so unbelievably painful, still so raw. But, no matter what I think I might want, it’s overridden by the fear. The fear of what could and what I know will happen in the end.
Only when he’s gone, do I get up. Only when he’s gone, do I let out the breath I didn’t realise I was holding. Only when he’s gone, do I blink away the tears that have somehow formed in my eyes. And it’s only when he’s gone, that I finally let myself register the warmth from when his body touched mine, the warmth that I want so badly and which I now realise is missing.
I move away from the counter so by the time he comes back, I’m doing something else. I’m far enough away that he can’t touch me again. Luke doesn’t say anything, just watches me for a minute as if trying to work out whether he should say something more, before turning and heading back into the kitchen.
I don’t look at him at all.
I can’t.
∞

That first touch, that unexpected but not entirely unwanted first touch. I can remember when it happened for the very first time, so clearly, even now. His name was Adam and I fell desperately in love with him. What began as a high school crush turned into so much more because for some reason, he took a chance on me. I’d never thought I stood a chance, but really in the end, it was him that didn’t. I just didn’t know it at the time.
I’d admired him from afar for so long, a typical unrequited school girl crush I had no intention of doing anything about. It wasn’t just that he was a year above me and therefore way out of my league; I was also too shy, too afraid of the rejection. Adam was the kind of guy who stood out, but who managed to do so without being a complete dick about it. He was good at sports and friendly to everyone, and although he was part of the "in crowd," he wasn’t the most popular guy in school. I’d seen him with a couple of different girls from time and time, but had never heard the rumours like I’d heard with some of the others. He just seemed to be the kind of person who everyone really liked, but who was also nice to people at the same time. I think that was part of his appeal, he was nice and he was hot, but it was like he had absolutely no idea about it. Still, I knew I was never going to be one of the people he spoke to, let alone had anything to do with.
But for reasons I still don’t understand, apparently he’d noticed me too and in the end it was Adam who made the first move. I was in the library at the time, trying to do some homework. He’d wandered over and was standing there just staring at me.
"You want some help with that?" he finally asked.
I looked up and saw him standing there, waiting for my answer. I didn’t know what to say. Of course I needed help, but did I really want to admit that to him of all people?
"Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but the look on your face kinda suggests you might?" he continued, the start of a smile forming on his mouth as he said it.
I didn’t know if he was making fun of me or not, none of his friends were around, so I breathed out, took a chance and said, "Yeah I don’t really understand it actually."
So Adam sat down and that was the start of it. I was sixteen at the time, he was a year older and from that day on, he’d ask me if I wanted help with my homework. It started off as just help. I’d be in the library every lunch anyway and every couple of days he would come in. He just kept asking me and so I kept on saying yes.
Then one day he asked instead, "How come you’re always in here at lunch?"
I felt myself blush. I was in here every day because I had no one out there to talk to, but how could I tell him that?
"Ash?" he said gently, his fingers reaching out and lightly touching my arm.
And that was when I felt it. The fire that immediately jolted through me in response to his touch, it was like nothing I’d ever felt before, indescribable and I’m sure my face flushed even more. If he hadn’t realised earlier, he surely must know now that I liked him. But I couldn’t even tell him why I spent my lunches hidden in the library, much less admit how I felt about him, so I just shrugged in response and ducked my head, hoping he wouldn’t see my embarrassment.
He must have, but his response to it surprised me. I nearly fell off my chair when he said, "Maybe you could have lunch outside with me one day?"
When I looked up at him I could see he was serious. I didn’t know what to say. I’d never been asked out by a guy before and now I felt even shyer. But his fingers were still lightly brushing my arm and he looked sincere when he said again, "I’d really like to have a lunch with you, not just help you with your homework."
"Why?" I couldn’t help but blurt out.
He smiled at me then, his fingers gently moving over my skin. "At first it was because I thought you were cute," he said, blushing a little now too. "I used to watch you sitting in here chewing on your pencil, a look on your face like you were trying to solve all the world’s problems. But then, when I finally worked up the courage to come and talk to you, I realised it was more than that." He was definitely blushing now and it made me feel a little better, made me start to think he meant what he was saying. "Then I started to realise how much I liked hanging out with you," he continued quietly.