I Love You to Death(7)

Okay, weird he worked it out; that he would even think it could be Asha. Weird he is emailing me at all.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: Thanks
Resourceful…..and you’re welcome - I hope it gets better soon.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Thanks
What are you doing right now?


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Thanks
Emailing you.


I was being a smartass, but this whole thing just felt too strange. Luke has never emailed me before. The only person who ever really does is Robert, with details about my shifts. No one ever emails me because there isn’t anyone to email me.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Thanks
Ok, I walked right into that one
I mean what were you doing before you were emailing me?


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Thanks
Listening to music, drinking, nothing.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Thanks
What are you listening to?


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Music
Lots of stuff, Stereophonics at the moment.


I don’t tell him what song.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Music
You need someone to listen and drink with?


Was he asking if I wanted to hang out with him? Possibly, probably. I didn’t know, but I was too far gone at this point anyway. I didn’t respond to him. He popped up again though.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE Music
Ash – am happy to come over or we could go out - whatever you want?
You ok?


Again with that question.
No. I’m not okay, of course I’m not, but I don’t want to drag him into it. I don’t need him to see me like this and I definitely don’t need him to get involved.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE: Music
Yeah, I’m ok, thanks. Am gonna crash now. Night


A lie I know, but one that had to be told.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: Music
Well anytime, you let me know.
Good night Asha.


It was a really weird exchange between us. Out of the blue and very unexpected. I stumbled off towards my bedroom and did what I’d said, crashed. As much as I tried to put this off, sleeping was inevitable. And once again, plagued with the same nightmare that always seemed to work its way through, no matter how much alcohol I’d consumed. As always, I woke before the sun had come up, a strangled scream in my throat and my body shaking and covered in sweat, visions of that one day burnt into my eyes and brain.
And once again, I wondered, when any of this was ever going to stop.
This morning though, when I finally drag myself out of bed, my computer is still on and there is one more message from Luke. He must have sent it shortly after his last email last night, but I didn’t see it.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I forgot
One other thing, my flatmate is organising a party in a couple of weeks.
Will you come along?
The guys from work will be there and I’d really like you to come…..


Shit. This is not good. This is definitely not good.
I know, despite what Sam’s letter said, despite what he asked me to do, this isn’t good. Because I just can’t do it.
I read his words again, trying once more to find a reason or a way out of all of this.

Dear Ash,
I know what you’re thinking. That this was your fault, that somehow, you caused this to happen. Let me say – YOU DIDN’T. I promise you, none of this is your fault - you don’t and never have caused any of it. It’s just dumb luck and wrong place, wrong time and a f*cked up way of you having to go through life. I know you wouldn’t cause me to die, I know that because I love you and I know that you love me.
You are, without a doubt, the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I would never trade however long I was with you, for anything in the world, because to me, you are the world. You are my world.
I want you to be happy Ash. I want you to stop thinking you are doing this to people and I want you to go out there and live life. Be happy, travel the world, fall in love again and live. Know that no matter what, I always did and always will love you. One day I know I’ll see you again, but until then please be happy. I love you.
Sam x

But it doesn’t matter how many times I read it or try and convince myself his words are real, I’m never going to believe them.
After everything that’s happened, I just can’t.



Everything splits in two reflecting the dual nature of life
∞

Playlist:
1. A Beautiful Lie – 30 Seconds to Mars
2. Bad – U2
3. Straight Jacket Feeling – The All-American Rejects
∞

At work I function pretty much like a normal person. I’ll smile at the customers, help decide which books they should buy and make their coffee for them. But it’s all a fa?ade, a mask that I wear to hide the real me underneath. The me I don’t want anyone to know about, the me that hurts people. The me that even I wish would just go away.