I Love You to Death(71)

He stops for a minute. He’s absently stroking my hair and I want to tell him he can keep going, that I’m listening to him. I run my fingers along his arm, but he’s staring across the room, his eyes not focused on anything and I’m not sure he notices.
"My Dad was so pissed when he found out," he continues quietly. "He tracked me down and came all the way to Boston. Came all the way out here to yell and threaten me. Threatened me with everything; money, my inheritance, disownment. He didn’t realise the only thing I’d ever wanted was choice, freedom, to be able to make my own decisions. But no amount of yelling at him got that message through and he couldn’t change my mind either. In the end, he figured knocking some sense in to me was the only other option."
"What?" I ask, shocked.
He looks down at me and smiles sadly. "Yeah, nothing like a punch in the face from your old man to finally get your brain in gear."
"Oh shit Luke, I’m so sorry," I whisper. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a family out there somewhere. A family who would do something like that. I wonder if they’ve ever even heard Luke play, if they even realise how fantastic he is.
He looks down at me, gently tucks my hair behind my ear as he says, "It’s okay Ash, it was a long time ago now. And yeah, at first it was rebellion on my part, the whole school and tattoos thing, shaving my hair off even. I mean I wanted to change everything about me; who I was, how I looked. I didn’t want to be his son anymore, didn’t want to be the person he’d created, didn’t want to see that person looking back at me in the mirror every day. I just didn’t want to be me anymore, you know?"
Yeah, I really do.
"I mean I was pissed they’d never listen to me, just listen to what I wanted. But when he did that, when he thought hitting me would prove how much he supposedly loved me or that he knew what was best for me, well, that’s when I knew he’d already given up on me. That’s when I knew changing things, walking away from him, was the only way."
I’m looking at him as he tells me this. He doesn’t seem sad at all and I don’t understand why. "Have you tried talking to him again? I mean don’t you want to have a family?"
He smiles at me now, properly this time. "I do have a family Ash. I have the guys in the band, I have Mia, and I have you," he says seriously, his blue eyes holding mine. "I won’t lie, it took me a while. For a really long time, I was so angry with him and everything he’d done. But in the end what I realised about everything I did and everything he’d done, was that I was finally making the choices I’d always wanted to make. Now, I was standing up and fighting for the things I’d always wanted to have and do, but had been too afraid to try. Finally I was living exactly how I’d always wanted to and realising this, well it let me change, let me become the person I wanted to be. Finally I became me."
He pulls me closer as he continues, "And the same goes for you Ash."
I feel my broken heart stutter as his lips brush against my cheek.
"I’ve wanted to be with you since the first minute I saw you. The very second you walked back into that shop and I felt my heart stop when I looked at you. I knew right then, I would do absolutely anything for you. Nothing about that has changed for me," he says, his words soft and so very sincere.
I’m silent, watching him speak, unable to tear my eyes away from him now. My heart is pounding in response to the words he’s just said, at the possibility of what he might really be saying.
He stops, takes a deep breath and continues, "And what I’m trying to say Ash, what I learnt and what I know deep down, you understand better than anyone, is that life is too short to live without the things you want, to not fight for the things you love."
Now my heart stops.
I don’t know what to say or if I can even speak right now. I feel overwhelmed at everything he’s just told me. At trying to picture him growing up in a family like that; at seeing a man I’ve never met, hit Luke because he’s so ashamed of him; at Luke walking away from it all and making the decision to change. But most of all, at the idea that Luke still wants to be with me, despite everything he now knows about me. I feel my heart stop at the surreal possibility of it all, at the idea that Luke isn’t afraid of me or what I might do to him. That he could possibly want to do this.
With me.
"Why?" Is the only thing I can think to ask.
"Why what?"
"Why me Luke?"
He lets out a soft sigh, burying his face in my neck. I feel his lips against my skin as he says, "I can’t explain it Ash. I look at you and I just can’t look away. I look at you and even though I see all of the sadness and pain you carry, what I really see is a beautiful soul buried beneath it all. A beautiful soul, who desperately wants to be happy. Who I want to make happy, more than anything else in the world." I feel his soft kiss on my neck and hear him whisper, "I see what I once saw every time I looked in the mirror Asha. Someone who feels trapped, lonely, alone and….I, I can’t explain it, I just want to fix that for you."
My body shivers in response to the slow breath he takes against my skin before he continues, "I just want to take all of that away for you Ash, make it all disappear. I thought it was working, it seemed to be before today happened. I thought you were happy, I thought I was making you happy, that you were happy Asha."
Luke pulls back and smiles sadly at me again and I understand what he’s saying. It was working, but then today happened and everything changed. I thought it was over, I thought the worst had happened to him and I was lost again. Then when he survived, I thought for sure he would walk away, that we would be over, we had to be. But now he’s saying this to me and he wants to stay and he wants me to be happy again and he wants me and I just don’t know what to think.