I Love You to Death(73)

It went something like this.
"Sam, I need to talk to you and I need you to take me seriously."
He looked up at me as he attempted to make us dinner. Sam was never really much of a cook, a bit like me. "Are you breaking up with me already?" he asked, a joking smile on his face.
"I’m serious Sam I need you to listen to this."
His smile disappeared.
"You being with me, it’s very dangerous. I don’t know what I’m doing here living with you, because there’s a very good chance it will end badly, that something very bad will happen to you."
"What?" he joked. "Are you like an axe murderer or something?"
"No Sam I’m not," I said, my frustration starting to show. "But everyone who gets close to me, everyone that I love, dies. It’s been happening all my life and I you really need to know about it."
He didn’t say anything, just stood there stirring something in the saucepan. I went on.
"I understand if you’re pissed at me, especially now. I should’ve told you before. But if you want me to move out, I will."
He stopped then, stopped stirring and walked over to me. "Ash, don’t say stupid things like that."
"You need to know this about me Sam and I really should’ve told you earlier, before we got this far," I repeated.
He grabbed hold of my hands and said to me, "Do you want to tell me what this is really about babe?"
So I did. I told him about killing my mother just by being born. I told him about grandad, Grace, about Adam, and I told him about Nate. Nate and the reason we ever got together in the first place.
Sam smiled when I mentioned him. "But Nate is the one who told me to come check you out. I would’ve come down sooner or later anyway and met you," he said, trying I know, to make me feel better.
"Yeah but you didn’t," I said softly. "You never met me until you had to. At Nate’s funeral, after I killed him."
"Ah Ash," he said, pulling me into a hug. "I think all of this is just a bunch of bad luck and you being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You aren’t killing people babe, that’s crazy."
My head was resting on his shoulder, facing away from him when I said, "I know I am Sam, and I’m afraid I’ll eventually lose you too."
He pushed me back then, put his hands on my shoulders, looked me right in the eye and said those fateful words to me, "But babe, I’m still here."
And that was it. That’s how I told Sam. I felt relieved to have confessed. Relieved Sam had listened to me and not walked away. But I was still scared, scared at the possibility of it happening again.
Shortly afterwards I looked up and smoke was billowing from the stove and filling the kitchen. Then the fire alarm started going off on account of dinner now actually being on fire. I turned to look at Sam, but he just laughed and said, "Now that was definitely my fault Ash."
I still wasn’t sure I believed him.
∞

Eventually Luke whispers to me to go to sleep, that he’ll be here when I wake up. He will stay here and sleep with me. But I don’t want to be here. I can’t be here in this place with him. We can’t fall asleep here, not together, not like this. I shake my head, "I don’t want to stay here Luke. We can’t stay here."
He takes my face in his hands, smiles at me because he understands now and says, "Then come and stay with me."
I look up at him. He is so amazing and despite my fear, I still want him so badly. "For how long?" I ask quietly.
He just smiles, kisses me again and whispers, "Forever."
And right then, deep inside my chest, my broken heart flips at that one word. Inside, all of those tiny shattered pieces start to fit back together at the possibility of a forever with him. I desperately want to believe it’s possible. I want to believe I can have this.
We pack some of my things. So many of my clothes are still at Luke’s place, I’ve spent so much time there, a part of me wonders how I ever thought I could walk away, could ever let him go. I know I was afraid, that deep down a part of me always believed this had to be too good to be true.
Before we leave, I go into the kitchen and take down the guitar picks he left there so many months ago. He smiles at me as I put them in my bag and together we walk out. I let him lock the door, carry my bag and take me out of there.
And just like that, I leave my old life behind and walk into a new one with him.
He takes me home. It’s warm in his apartment. He takes me to his room, pulls me into bed and holds me until I fall asleep. All I can smell is Luke. I feel safe here, lying on his chest, listening to his heart beat, listening to him.
When I wake up only hours later he’s still here, holding me in his arms. I move so our faces are only inches apart on the pillow. I feel exhausted. He looks the same and I wonder if he has slept at all. It’s only just dawn.
"Are you okay Luke?" I ask him quietly, running my hand over his hair, across his cheek. "Is your arm hurting?"
"I’m alright Ash," he says, pulling me tighter against him.
"I’m sorry about your family, about your Dad doing that to you."
He presses a kiss to my forehead. "It’s okay beautiful, it was a long time ago. I’m okay with it all now."
"What about Mia?" I ask. "Does she speak to them?"
Luke lets out a big sigh. "No she stopped speaking to him after she learnt what he did. I think she still speaks to Mom though, every now and then anyway, but it’s strained, I know that."