Gaining Miles (Miles Family #5)(23)

I understood exactly what he meant. How was I after finding out about my ex-husband’s lengthy infidelity. After an ugly and frustrating divorce. After the father of my children had almost cost me my home and been sent to prison.

“The truth?”

“Yes,” he said, his voice emphatic.

“I’m getting better.” I put my glass down and took a deep breath. “I put on a brave face for everyone, but when I found out that he had a mistress, I was devastated. I’d spent years staying strong for my kids. I was very good at it. But that almost broke me.”

My eyes welled up with tears, so I paused. I didn’t want to cry. Not here. Not now. Especially not over my bastard ex-husband. But these were feelings I’d never shared with anyone. It felt good to speak them aloud.

“So much of my life was a lie,” I said, my voice quiet. “I didn’t know the woman I’d become. How had I turned into a person who’d let a man walk all over her? I let things go and ignored the way he treated me, trying so hard to keep everything together. I did it for our kids, and for Salishan. Really, for everyone but me.”

His eyes were full of sympathy and kindness as he looked at me. “I’m sorry, Shannon.”

I took a deep breath. “I bent, but I didn’t break. And now that it’s all over, I can move on. I’m ready. So, to answer your question, I wasn’t okay for a while. I was terribly hurt and alone. But so many good things have happened in the last couple of years, they drown out all the bad.”

He reached across the table and took my hand, stroking the backs of my fingers. “I wish I could have done more to help. I understand what it’s like to almost break.”

I sensed something in his voice. A vulnerability—perhaps a willingness to share. I put my other hand over his. “Does it have something to do with why you came to Salishan all those years ago?”

“It does. I suppose my truth is that I was trying to disappear. I’d been going from place to place for a while by the time I landed here.”

“Why were you trying to disappear?”

He took a deep breath. “Before I came here, I was married. My wife and I had a son. We’d named him Benjamin, after me. Called him Benny. When Benny was two, he and his mom were hit by a drunk driver. They were both killed instantly.”

My eyes filled with tears. “Oh Benjamin, I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

He met my gaze. “It’s okay. Really. Up until maybe ten years ago, I couldn’t have choked that story out without needing a hell of a lot of whiskey. Took me a long time to heal after losing them.”

“I can’t even imagine.”

“Sometimes, that thing you fear—the worst thing you can imagine—actually happens. I lost everything that night, including a lot of who I was. I tried to drink away the pain for a while, but that didn’t get me anywhere. So I left. Moved to a new town. I didn’t feel any better there, so I left again. Kept doing that all the way across the country. Until I got here.”

“What made you stay?”

He smiled. “Cooper.”

“Really?”

“Not just Cooper. It was all of them. But Cooper started it. Do you remember the day we met?”

“I do. Cooper ran off and you found him in the vineyard.”

He nodded. “You said you’d baked cookies and offered me one. Cooper gave me this look. It was so serious. Like he was telling me I better come to your house and have a cookie. So I did. I met your boys and those kids… they got to me. I’d been keeping people out, trying to stay numb. And they just waltzed in and took up residence right here.” He tapped his chest above his heart.

“You stayed for them?”

“I didn’t think of it that way at first,” he said. “I thought just one more season, then I’d go. Another year would pass, and I’d tell myself maybe I’d stay one more. Meanwhile, your boys were growing, and I was teaching them things. Walking in the vineyards and showing them the plants and trees. Teaching them how to build fires and whittle sticks. Then Brynn came along, and I couldn’t imagine not being around for them. Not seeing them grow up.”

“I can’t believe I never knew.”

“Well, I never told anyone. And don’t get me wrong, I didn’t see your kids as replacements for my son. Nothing could ever replace him. But they saved me. They gave me a reason not to give up on life. A reason to plant some roots.”

“They were your family,” I said.

“They are my family.”

“I don’t know what we would have done without you,” I said. “You were a dad to them in so many ways. Maybe you weren’t trying to be. But you were the man they needed. You still are.”

He cleared his throat. “Thank you. It’s good to hear you say that.”

“You were the man I needed, too.”

“That was obviously more complicated,” he said with a grin. “I won’t pretend I didn’t have feelings for you before I should have. I did. But I wasn’t going to overstep.”

I traced my finger over the rim of my wine glass. “I feel like I wasted so much time. You were right here, and I could have…”

“Don’t think like that,” he said. “Mostly because dwelling on your regrets is no way to live. Believe me, I know. I almost drowned in regret. But who knows, maybe it wouldn’t have worked out before. I think we both needed to be ready.”