FADING (A novel)(121)

“That’s when I thought I could never leave. But, I’m really hoping for New York. I think I can go now and be okay. I’ll miss you like crazy, but if I got the opportunity, I’d have to at least give it a shot, you know?”

When we finally make it to the front of the line, we get fitted for our purple caps and gowns. I hand over my paperwork to order my honor cords and stole. Jase laughs at me and all the bells and whistles I have to wear. I just shake my head at him. I was still able to maintain my perfect four point this year, which makes a solid four years.

“Want to grab a coffee before we go?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

While standing in line for our drinks, I spot Kimber from across the room. I shoot her a quick text letting her know we are here, and I see her start heading our way.

“God, this place is packed with every douchebag around!” she snaps as she joins us.

I laugh at her as we walk over to take a seat at an empty table. “Did you order your cap and gown?”

“No, did you see that line?”

“Kimber, you have to get it ordered today. It’s the last day.”

“Come with me,” she begs in a whiney voice.

Taking a sip of my drink I say, “Too late, I just did it.”

“Jase?” she says in a singsong voice, but her face drops when he tells her, “Sorry, I went with Candace.”

“You guys are hookers! Why didn’t you call me?”

“Because you were in class,” Jase tells her while I laugh. She’s going to be one pissed off chick when she has to stand in that line alone.

“Well, stand with me anyway.”

“I can’t. I have rehearsals in an hour. I have to run home ‘cause I forgot my dance bag.”

“You guys are really sucky friends, you know?”

“What are you doing tonight?” Jase asks Kimber.

“Aside from standing in that long ass line, nothing. Why?”

“Come out with Mark and I.”

“Drinking?”

“When do they ever not drink?” I butt in.

“Then I’m in! I’ll call you when I can find my way out of this f*ckin’ crazy ass vortex,” she complains as she stands up.

“Where are you going?” I ask.

“To go get my cap and gown. Alone.”

Jase and I laugh at her when she walks off.

“Well, I better run too. I gotta get to the studio.”

“Okay, well I know tomorrow will be busy for you, but if we don’t talk before then, I want to wish you luck now, sweetie. I am so proud of you, and we will be there to watch you.”

“Thanks, Jase. Love you.”

“You too.”

?????

“How have you been dealing with the blame?” Dr. Christman asks after I sit down on the couch.

“I don’t know. I guess I still feel responsible in a way. I can’t get past how my actions led to his actions. I know his actions were wrong, but I still feel responsible for leading him there.”

“You can’t hold your past responsible for your future.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“You can’t hold the past Candace responsible for the future Candace. You’re holding your future self responsible for something your past self didn’t know anything about. You can’t judge your past behavior because of the way things turned out. You had no way of knowing what would happen next. It’s only because you do know that you judge your past self.”

“I struggle with that. I get what you’re saying, but I can’t seem to see past all the poor choices I made.”

“Well, we will continue to work on that. For now, let’s transition and talk a little about tonight. How are you feeling?”

“I feel good. I feel like everything you and I have done has really helped me finally connect to this piece the way I always should have. I used to use Ryan’s pain to draw on, but I feel strong enough now to pull from my own.”

“That’s wonderful.”

“I just have to remind myself that it’s all right to feel it. It’s just a feeling and it will go away, and I will still be okay.”

“And the more you can deal with these emotions in a rational manner, the more your sleeping should start to improve. The goal is still to wean you off of the pills.” She flips the page of her notepad and continues taking notes.

“I know. I’m just scared.”

“But you just said that your emotions will come back down and you will be okay.”

“The day stuff seems so much easier than the nightmares. They are so real to me.” I don’t have the vivid nightmares when I take my pills, but even on the pills my sleep is still restless and filled with night terrors. I’m terrified that if I stop taking them, the bad dreams will start up again.

Crossing her legs, she asks, “So, tell me, what do you think is causing your restless sleep?”

“At this point, it’s a lot of things. I still feel like I’m mourning the loss of Ryan. I miss him. A lot. I miss what we had. I wonder what he’s doing now. If he’s seeing anyone. If he ever thinks about me. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.”

She leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “There is no right or wrong way. These thoughts are completely normal. Do you feel like you need more closure?”