FADING (A novel)(119)

“What do you think is keeping you up?”

“It used to be Jack, but lately it’s been Ryan. He keeps flashing through my head, and when that happens, I get really upset. I know I need to move on, but it’s really hard.”

“It’s only natural that this will take time. You loved him, and that doesn’t go away just because he hurt you. But it sounds like he also helped you. Would you agree with that?”

Shifting on the couch, I say, “I suppose. But, it really just seems like a fa?ade. Like everything I thought he was helping me through wasn’t real because the whole thing was a lie.”

She flips a page over on her tablet and begins taking notes before asking, “But was it a lie? We know he held onto the secret of who he was to you, but were the feelings a lie?”

“I don’t know. I mean . . . they felt real.”

“If Ryan would have told you from the beginning who he was, if he was honest about that, do you think you would have let yourself feel what you felt for him?”

Taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I say, “Yes.”

“So, was it all a lie then?”

I shake my head and say, “I get what you’re saying, but I can’t go back.”

“I’m not saying go back. There was a betrayal, and you have every right to guard yourself against that, but don’t dismiss your feelings as a lie. He was able to show you that you are capable of loving, and trusting, and having faith.”

“I just don’t know how to move past him.”

She sets her pen and tablet down and leans back in her chair. “Well, that takes time, just like any loss we suffer. What is one thing you think you can do to help that process?”

“I don’t know. I guess . . . I guess I need to stop spending so much time thinking about why I can’t go back to him and just focus on the fact that I was already with him and it just didn’t work. When I think about why I can’t go back, it’s like I’m trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t, when I really need to focus on the fact that it just isn’t an option. He’s my past, and I need to start focusing on what I’m going to do about my future.”

“And what about your future can you focus on?”

“My dancing. I have my performance this weekend, so hopefully offers will start coming in this next week. I need to focus on making New York happen. It’s always been my dream.”

She picks up her notepad and begins to write as she says, “I think you have a good plan.”

We continue on to discuss issues about Jack and some of the paranoia I still feel about him for the rest of the session. After making my follow-up appointment, I stop by the house and grab my dance bag to spend the rest of the day rehearsing and focusing more on the thing I do have control over, which is my career, not Ryan.

?????

When I get home, I decide to start taking more control, like Dr. Christman suggested. I can’t keep avoiding situations that make me nervous and uncomfortable. I know I can’t keep hiding from my emotions because I’m too scared to deal with them.

I take out my phone, scroll down to Roxy’s name, and tap her number. After several rings, she answers.

“Candace, hey.”

“Hey Rox, do you have a minute to talk?”

“Hun, I always have time for you. How are you?”

“I’m doing better, actually. I wanted to call and apologize for my behavior and walking out on you. I’ve been going through some stuff, and I was out of line.”

“I’ve been worried about you. We used to always talk, but I feel like you’ve somehow gotten lost this year, and I wish I knew how to be a friend to you.”

“You are a friend. And I love you. It’s been a rough year, but I think I’m getting on the right track. It feels that way, at least.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“But, I was calling because I wanted to know if you’ve filled my position yet.”

“Your position will never be filled.”

“So, I can come back?”

“Always, hun.”

“Thanks, Rox. Can you get me on the schedule for next week?”

“Of course. Stop by in a couple days, and I’ll have the schedule out.”

“Great.”

“And Candace . . .”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you called me. You know you can always call, anytime.”

“I do know. Thanks again. I’ll stop by later this week.”

“Sounds good.”

“Okay, bye.”

?????

“So, tell me how things have been going?” Dr. Christman asks as she pulls out her notepad.

“I called my boss and got my job back. She put me on the schedule for next week.”

“What made you decide to do that?”

“You suggested that I stop avoiding situations that spike my emotions. Work has always been that place for me. It’s always been a place I feared Jack walking into.”

“What do you normally do when your anxiety peaks at work?”

“I go to the back room and restock.”

“And what are you going to do now when you start to feel that way?”

“I know I need to stay out in the shop.”