FADING (A novel)(124)

I lift my head and look at Ryan. He reaches up and strokes my cheek with his knuckles.

Shaking my head, still confused, I tell him, “Jack died tonight.”

He lets out a deep breath and leans his forehead to mine. When he does, I let out all my thoughts in a blubbering mess. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know where to go. I’m so confused. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Slow down, babe.”

“Should I be happy? Or relieved?” I ask, desperate for someone to tell me how I should be feeling.

“Well, what do you feel right now?” he asks as he tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear.

“Sad. And hurt. I don’t know why. It’s like all I can think about is Jack when he was good. Or when I thought he was. But I know he wasn’t. I know I should hate him. But, if I’m sad, does that mean I don’t hate him?”

“I think you’re just in shock. I think you need a little time to sort this out in your head.”

I lay my head back down on his shoulder, when he says, “Let me go get you a towel. You’re freezing.”

I nod my head and scoot off his lap and onto the couch. He returns with two big towels and wraps one of them around my shoulders. Sitting next to me, he pulls me back into him.

“You need anything to drink?”

I lean back forward and let my head hang down. Wrapping my arms around myself, I shake my head no. Ryan’s hand runs up my back and onto my shoulder as he tugs me back.

“Talk to me.”

I sigh and say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I was here until I was in front of your door.”

“I’m glad you’re here.” He cups my cheek with his hand and says, “I’ve missed you so much.”

His words hurt. They hurt because I know how he feels. I’ve missed him too. I’ve been trying not to. Trying so hard to not think about him, but he’s always been there. Without even thinking, I reach up and run my hand down the side of his face as I feel my own face scrunch up, and I start to cry again.

“Baby, don’t cry,” he says as he brushes his thumbs over my cheeks.

Being here, in his house, on this couch where we’ve made love, and in his arms, I just want to go back to when it was all good. When I didn’t know about the lies. When I was safe and we were so in love. But, I can’t. I can’t go back there again and make myself that vulnerable.

He leans down and presses his lips to my forehead, and I have to force myself to not take more. Pulling back, I shake my head and say, “I can’t.”

“Babe.”

“I can’t. It hurts so bad, I just can’t”

“I swear to you, I will never hurt you again.”

“But you swore you wouldn’t hurt me before and you did.”

Lowering his head slightly to look into my eyes straight on, he affirms, “I love you. God, I love you so much.”

He moves his head in slowly. I can smell his sweet minty breath. I’ve missed that smell. His lips barely skim mine when I pull back slightly.

“I’m moving,” I say on a hush.

Lifting his head up, he looks at me with his brows knitted together.

“I got a job. I’m moving to New York in two weeks.”

He looks down and shakes his head slowly as I say, “You can’t kiss me.” My cries begin to intensify. “If you do . . . I’ll never want to leave you.”

“Then I’ll come with you.”

“Ryan . . . I just can’t. I’m too scared you’ll hurt me again. I just need to be on my own. I’ve been working so hard to pull myself out of the hell I’ve been living in.”

“I know you have. I ask Jase about you all the time. He’s told me how well you’re doing. I just wish I could be around to see it, babe.” He chokes on his words and drops his head. When he looks back up at me, his eyes are rimmed with tears. “All I ever wanted was for you to be okay, to be happy.”

“I’m okay,” I affirm.

We sit there while time slowly passes. I thought I would always be with Ryan. I thought he was it for me. I wanted him to be it for me. A part of me stills does, but I push that part deep down, because it hurts to feel it. I love Ryan. Despite everything that happened, I still love him. I’m not sure how long it will take for these feelings to fade, but I really wish they would because missing him is excruciating.

“Do you think you could drive me home?” I ask after a while.

“Yeah,” he whispers, and I know he doesn’t want to.

He helps me into his jeep and drives me the few minutes to my house. When he pulls into my driveway, he asks, “Can I walk you in?”

“Ryan,” I sigh out.

He nods his head, understanding that I don’t think it’s a good idea.

When I grab the handle to open the door, he says, “I’ll never love anyone the way that I love you.”

I turn my head back to look at him, and I know my face is reflecting the pain that is wracking me as my tears fall. I nod my head, my only way of letting him know I feel the same way toward him. I can’t speak. I don’t know how. My sobs start to break through when I open the door and walk away from the only person I never wanted to walk away from.

?????

Leaving Ryan last night was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I sit up in my bed and look at the chaos in my room. All my belongings are strewn all over the place. I feel like this room is a reflection of how I feel inside: chaotic. I need order in my life. I resolve to pull my life together and move forward, starting with this room.