FADING (A novel)(120)

“Just remember that a spike in emotions is okay. They will spike, but they will come down again and you will be okay.”

“When I get anxious, I feel that there will be no coming back down. I feel like everything is about to spiral out of control.”

“That’s very common after the kind of trauma you’ve been through. It’s normal to be afraid of feeling, but whatever you’re feeling, you need to understand that those feelings will not be permanent. Instead of running from your feelings, I really would like for you to stay in them. Try not to shut down. Think about your anxiety level, and when it gets high, I want you to see that you’re still okay.”

I nod my head and say, “I think that doing something like that at work is a good place to start. I’m not alone, and sitting here with you thinking about it, I can rationally say that nothing would happen. That I would be okay.”

“Good. And how has your sleep been lately?”

“Restless.”

“Are you still on your sleeping pill?” she asks.

“Yes. Honestly, I’m too scared to wean off of them.”

“That’s okay. You’re making progress in other areas, and so we will keep focusing on that before approaching your nightmares.”

After the session is over, I head over to Common Grounds to pick up my schedule for next week. When I walk in, I see Roxy behind the counter. She walks around it and comes to give me a hug.

“I’m so glad you decided to come back. I’ve missed you. I’ve been stuck working with Sarah, and all she talks about is her stupid dog.”

I laugh at her and say, “Thanks. I’m so sorry for—”

Cutting me off she tells me, “Forget it. I’m just glad you’re here, hun.”

I walk to the back room with her, and she gives me the schedule for next week. It feels good to be back here. Even though Dr. Christman helped me to see that this place is a trigger for my irrational feelings, I feel like this will be a good starting point for me to try to overcome them.





Chapter Thirty-Nine


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“So how are you and Kimber doing?” Jase asks me as we stand in the long line to buy our caps and gowns for graduation.

“Really good. We’ve both been busy getting everything wrapped up for graduation. But we spend several evenings a week hanging out.”

“So are you excited about tomorrow night?”

“You have no idea. Excited and super nervous,” I say as the line slowly moves forward. Tomorrow night is our final production, and I have been living and breathing dance for the past few weeks.

“Well, Mark has been dying to see you dance.”

“I wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to make it.”

“Yeah, Ryan has a new band that alternates Saturday nights.”

Looking down to the ground, I am a little caught off guard by the mention of Ryan’s name. I know Jase is still friends with him, but he makes a point to not mention him around me.

“Sorry,” he says.

I look back up at him and tell him, “It’s fine, Jase. I know you’re friends.”

“So, can I go there?”

Letting out a sigh, I nod my head and he says, “He misses you. He hasn’t been the same since.”

“Neither have I. But, it’s done. It’s been almost two months.”

“So, that’s it?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been pretty busy trying to sort my own issues out,” I tell him.

“I know you have. And I’m proud of you.”

We take a few steps as the line continues to creep forward. “I just need to be alone right now. I realize how much I was clinging to people. I did it with you, and I did it with him. In a way, I guess I’m glad this all happened. It forced to me to finally find the will to try to pull myself out this hell. But, I had to do it alone.”

“I understand. I really do. So, how is everything going with all of that?”

“We’ve been talking a lot about the attack. Dr. Christman really wants me to stay in the moment, feeling the power of those emotions without shutting down. The more we do those exercises the less scary it is talking about it.”

“That’s really good. I’m really glad that you’re doing this. I always felt so helpless. I never knew what to tell you.”

Grabbing his hand, I tell him, “You always said the right things to me. You always made me feel safe.”

He kisses my forehead and asks, “How are your night terrors?”

“I’m still taking my pills. She told me that the more I can cope with my anxiety and triggers during the day and realize I’m okay, then the night stuff should work itself out naturally. But for now, I still take them.”

He slings his arm around my shoulder and kisses my head. “You’re pretty amazing, you know that?”

“Stop embarrassing me. So, tell me about you. Any job offers yet?”

“I have an interview at Dean Allen on Monday.”

“That’s great! So, you’re definitely staying in Seattle?”

“Yeah. It’s home for me. I love the city, and Mark is staying, so it only makes sense. What about you? I know you were thinking about the Pacific Northwest Ballet.”