FADING (A novel)(118)

“I’m worried about you,” he says as he looks me in the eyes.

I turn my head so I don’t have to look at him. “Don’t.”

“When was the last time you’ve eaten?”

“Ryan, don’t. Just say what you need to say.”

He reaches for my hand, but I pull it away as he says, “I love you. I know you don’t believe me, but I do. No one has ever affected me the way you do, babe. I swear to you . . . I swear I didn’t know. I didn’t, Candace. Not at first.” When I hear his voice crack, I look up at him and see the tears that fill his eyes, and I have to look back down.

“When I saw you at the coffee shop I thought it was you. I thought you were that girl. But then I kept thinking, ‘What are the chances?’ I didn’t know because you looked so different than from that night. And then I found out that you were friends with Mark. Every time I saw you, I felt myself being drawn to you in a way I’ve never felt before. I had myself convinced that my head was playing games with me, and I honestly did not think you were that girl. It wasn’t until I saw your tattoo when we were in bed. That’s when I knew. When I found that girl, I saw her tattoo—your tattoo.”

“Ryan, please,” I whimper, but he doesn’t stop.

“When I saw it, I broke. I didn’t want you to be her. I had already fallen so hard in love with you and realizing that it was you f*ckin’ killed me. Everything started making sense to me. How scared you always were with me when we first met, how afraid you were when I tried to touch you. Everything made sense. But, I didn’t know how to tell you. And then you told me you loved me, and I know how hard that was for you. I just couldn’t hurt you,” he says, now crying.

“But you did. You lied to me. I let you see all the parts of me that weren’t pretty, but you knew all along. And when I finally opened up to you, you already knew.” Lowering my head into my hands, I cry. I cry hard. “You let me give everything to you. You had to have known that you couldn’t hold on to that secret forever. I would’ve eventually found out, and you still let me fall for you like I did. I feel so stupid and used, like you just felt sorry for me or pitied me.”

“I never pitied you, babe. I have only ever loved you. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”

He reaches out to hold me, but I push him back and stand up from the couch.

“I can’t do this. You can’t say those things to me.”

Standing up and taking a step toward me, he says, “I know I f*cked up. I f*cked everything up so bad. I know all you wanted was someone you could trust. I wanted to be that for you, and I f*cked it all up. But, I didn’t know what to say; I was scared. You’ll never know how f*cking sorry I am.”

“I knew better. I knew I shouldn’t have let you in like I did. But, I can’t see you anymore. You have to stop calling and texting. I need you to just not exist for me because I can’t do this. It hurts more than I thought anything possibly could.”

“Candace, please.”

“Just go.”

He doesn’t move. He just stands there. A part of me never wants him to move, but I know he needs to. I can hardly bear to see the pain in his eyes and the tears running down his cheeks.

“Please, you have to go. I can’t do this,” I plead with him.

Looking at me through his tears, he chokes out, “You have to know how much I love you.”

“Please, Ryan,” I say with closed eyes. I just need him to go because I can’t take the excruciating pain any more. My eyes stay closed until I hear the click of the door as it closes behind him. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t stop myself from watching him get into his jeep. I feel like I need to scream for him to come back, but I don’t. I just let him drive away.

My heart hurts so bad, I swear it feels like I’m dying. I can’t take this anymore. I know I can’t live like this. I can’t do this on my own. I’ve tried so hard. But I just can’t do it anymore.

?????

It’s been just over a week since Ryan walked out of my house, and I finally hit my bottom. I finally had to surrender, and I knew I had to stop clinging onto people. I had to stop running to Jase. He would never be able to save me. And I no longer had Ryan to cling to. But even if I did, he wouldn’t be able to save me either. I knew it was up to me to pull myself together and get help because all I wanted to do was fade away.

The first time I went to see Dr. Christman was the day after I saw Ryan. We decided that I would see her twice a week. During our first session, I basically told her everything that had happened since August: Jack, Kimber, my parents, Ryan. I told her about how I grew up and why I didn’t seek therapy earlier this year when everything was falling apart. I really like Dr. Christman. She’s helping me to see that what Jack did wasn’t my fault. I still harbor guilt about it, but not as much as I used to. She’s helping me learn how to tolerate my emotions and not avoid everything that I consider my triggers, like my fear of crowds or my thoughts of Jack.

Today is our fourth session. When I walk into her office and sit in my usual seat on the couch. “Hello, Candace. How are you feeling since we met earlier this week?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“And what does that mean? What’s ‘okay’?”

“I’ve been trying to eat better, which I think is good. But, I haven’t been sleeping well, so I’ve been really tired.”