Blind Kiss(72)

What in the hell?

The room started spinning. Suddenly, I started to cry—huge, body-wracking sobs. He brought my hands to his mouth and kissed them. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I never meant to hurt you.”

I sobbed for minutes but it felt like hours. I was breathing hard, trying to comprehend it all, trying to see what my future would look like. Weekends swapping Milo. Me, alone in our huge house.

My heart was filled with grief for my failed marriage, for my uncertain future, but there was also an undeniable feeling of relief. He was letting me off the hook. He knew that if it were up to me, I would stay, just to keep our family intact. He was still kissing my hands. Did I even hear him correctly?

I finally calmed down enough to speak. “Did you say you’re filing for divorce?”

“Yes. I want you to be happy, Penny. And I can’t make you happy.”

“I don’t want to be with Gavin, if that’s what you think. I don’t want Milo to have divorced parents.”

“I know you don’t want to be with Gavin. I spoke with him this morning.”

“You did?”

“We just made small talk, but I realized he’s pretty into his girlfriend, Briel. He encouraged me not to make any rash decisions, but the decision was already made up in my mind.”

“Oh” was all I could say.

“For the last month, I’ve had the same thoughts about Milo at least ten thousand times. About what this would do to him. I also thought about how badly I didn’t want to fail. What would it say about us that we couldn’t endure? We love each other but we can’t make our marriage work? And then I realized Milo is almost off to college. He’s smarter and more mature than we give him credit for. We can give him more love this way. I’ve been terribly selfish, Penny. I want to take advantage of these last few months with him. I want to take him camping, fishing, and hunting. You’ve been his mother and his father lately, and I’ve been totally absent—both physically and emotionally. That wasn’t fair to him or to you. And as far as failing, I don’t give a shit anymore what people think. When I realized my anger came from not being able to make you happy, I only saw one solution. And now my mind’s made up. God, you are so precious to me still, but I’ve turned you into a shell. I don’t want to see you this way anymore. We both deserve to be happy, don’t you think?”

I nodded. “What will we tell Milo?”

“Your mom is bringing him here in a half hour. We’ll figure it out.”

Within thirty minutes, I ordered a very stiff margarita and planned out what we would say to Milo. We knew we had to keep it simple.

“You don’t seem upset anymore,” Lance said to me.

“Of course I’m upset. I’m heartbroken, but these last few years have been hard on me. I’ve totally given up who I am and I didn’t communicate with you like I should have. This is the most we’ve talked to each other in years. And this is definitely the most we’ve ever agreed on. I’m so sad about what’s happening, Lance—I wanted things to work out between us. But I think you’re right. We’ll just keep going in circles if we don’t end it now.”

“You agree we’d be fighting a losing battle?”

“I agree that we need a change, and this seems to be the only solution.”

When Milo walked in, I noticed he was looking more and more like his dad every single day. He had big eyes and a face that looked a little sad, even when he was smiling. Today he looked especially worried. He had handled the separation beautifully, and we’d talked enough for me to know that he wasn’t oblivious to our problems. He was as emotionally intelligent as he was academically intelligent, but he was my baby boy. How would I explain to him that the life he once knew was over?

The moment Milo pulled up a chair and sat down, I leaned over, kissed his cheek, and started crying.

“Mom, please don’t cry. Whatever you guys are about to tell me, I can handle it.”

Lance was still holding both of my hands in one of his. He reached out and side-hugged Milo. “We love you, son.”

“But you’re getting a divorce?” Milo said.

All Lance and I could do was nod.

Milo lowered his head. “Well, I guess that’s that.”

“You’re not upset? You don’t have questions?” I said.

“I am upset. I’m sad for you guys, but I’ve been sad for you guys for a while. I just want you to be happy.”

I broke down in tears and dropped my head into my hands on the table. Milo rubbed my back. “It’s okay, Mom. I’m going to college in the fall, so you don’t have to worry about me.” The reminder of Milo leaving drove the stake in deeper. He’d applied early to MIT and gotten in. Soon enough he’d be across the country, in Boston.

“I’m going to rent an apartment at that complex down the street until Milo leaves for college,” Lance said. “I have an appointment with a broker in the morning.”

“And then what?” I asked.

“I think I’m going to transfer to Denver.”

I looked up at him in shock. “Why?”

“Fort Collins is too small. We need to put some space between us.”

I squeezed his hand, and we all sat in silence as we waited for the check to arrive.