Blind Kiss(70)

“Come here,” I said.

Gavin was silent, standing at the side of my bed, watching Milo nurse. He blinked rapidly, like his mind was on hyperdrive.

“What?” I said.

His mouth opened like he was going to say something, but he shut it and shook his head.

“Say something, Gavin.”

With his hands in his pockets, he bent to kiss my forehead. He let his lips linger there. I felt his body jerk a bit and then I felt moisture in my hair. He was crying.

“Gavin. Look at me.”

When he pulled back, there was so much pain on his face. It hurt me to look at him. Tears actually fell down his cheeks. He stood there, shaking his head.

“Please, you need to say something.”

He took a deep breath. “You’re so beautiful right now. Seeing you like this. I’m happy for you, I really am, but I gotta go, Penny. I can’t be here when Lance gets here.”

“Why?”

His silence was deafening. He took two more deep breaths and said, “Because he has everything I want.” He shrugged. “I gotta go.”

“Wait, you can’t leave. I want you to be the godfather. I already asked Lance if that was okay with him.”

He laughed in that hysterical way people do when they’ve been crying. “You’re not religious, Penny.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I guess I do. I can’t believe Lance is okay with it.”

“Well, it makes the most sense. Kiki’s going to be the godmother.”

“Are you saying I’m like a brother to you?” He was stroking Milo’s peach-fuzz-covered head.

“No, because it just makes the most sense.”

“I’d be honored, Penny,” he said, but his face was full of anguish.

“I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to keep you close.”

“I know, but it hurts to be this close.” He bent and kissed the top of Milo’s head.

His face was inches from my breast, but I didn’t flinch. When he stood up straight, he wiped his eyes and attempted to collect himself. He laughed again.

“What?” I said.

“At the moment, I think I’m more jealous of Milo than Lance.”

I shook my head. “There’s my Gavin.”


GAVIN AND FRANK left about twenty minutes before Lance showed up. I tried to take a mental picture of Lance’s face the moment he laid eyes on Milo. He was so proud and excited to see him; I almost faded into the background once he took Milo into his arms.

“What do you think? Can you believe I did it without any medication?”

Lance didn’t look at me. His eyes were glued to Milo. “I’m just glad this little guy came into the world safely.”

I wanted the credit, of course, but Lance wasn’t getting the hint.

“Well, it was terrifying.”

Finally, he looked down at me. “But you seem fine now. Are you in pain?”

“Strangely, no. Just sore.” But I was sad. I was sad that he had missed the birth of our child. That he had missed the grueling car ride, and the fear I felt when I thought I was going to give birth on the side of the road. I knew he couldn’t help it, that he had arrived as soon as he could, but Milo’s birth was the first of many moments when I felt let down by Lance.





33. Two Months Ago


PENNY

Over the fourteen years of my marriage, I learned how easily Lance could distance himself when things got hard for our family.

In the first few weeks after Milo’s birth, Lance took on more hours at work and more clients in the name of furthering his career, but I knew it was so he could get out of the house. My mom, Kiki, and even Frank had helped me out, but I needed my husband. Meanwhile, Gavin kept his distance in Denver, looking for the next girl to focus his energy on. We kept in touch by phone, but it took him a long time to adjust to the fact that I was married with a child.

At home, Lance couldn’t handle hearing Milo cry all day, which is what he did almost constantly for the first three months of his life. Once, in the middle of the night, I had asked him to go to the nursery to change Milo and rock him back to sleep. I was exhausted from staying up with him all day and night. Instead, Lance brought Milo into our room, laid him next to my head, and changed his diaper. I had asked why he did it and he blew up at me. I had told him I needed to sleep and he had said, “But I have to go to work tomorrow and you don’t.” He always wanted me to be awake if he had to be. I never asked him to get up with Milo again after that night.

There weren’t many options for me in the years after I had Milo. Sure, I could have left Lance and gotten a job, but there was more to it. I did love Lance, and I knew he loved me. He was also extremely levelheaded about our future. He worked hard and made investments and planned vacations—he was so reliable in that way. He was romantic, too. He’d bring me flowers, chocolates, and lingerie for no reason at all. He’d write beautiful messages in greeting cards. After a few years, I got comfortable in my relationship with him. I even became more like him. I took on his sense of humor and his OCD about germs. He insisted that we keep an immaculate house, and I complied. Gavin had predicted I’d change to suit Lance’s needs, and he was right.

Every so often, though, Gavin would pop into our lives and disrupt the image Lance was trying to create. Before Gavin found out his father was sick, he was completely untethered. He’d had a slew of girlfriends over the years, the longest relationship being his most recent one, with Jenn. Three years they spent together, never committing to more than a casual relationship, though I know she wanted more, which is why he eventually broke up with her. Before Jenn, every time Gavin broke up with a girlfriend, he’d show up in Fort Collins and want to hang out with me and Milo. This irked Lance. He kept quiet about it out of respect for me, so I tried to return the favor by telling him everything we did together. But I hid my true feelings. I made Lance believe Gavin was my brother, and not a man I held so dear to my heart.