Midnight Sun (Twilight #1.5)(111)

I inhaled a generous gulp of air.

Esme's anxious look continued to grow deeper.

What is it? Please tell us, she thought tentatively.

Only a brief second had passed before I finally bowed my head downward as if I were admitting a great shame and delivered the words I was terrified would hurt my family. Judas had nothing on me. I sunk into the nearest chair.

"Bella...well, she...she knows, Carlisle." I had never struggled with words like I did when Bella was involved.

His eyes grew wide, his thoughts in an uproar of intense confusion and concern.

Bella knows? About us? She knows about us? ... "Edward, what is going on? Is everything okay? Should I be worried?" Carlisle's thoughts spilled from his mouth like a stream of water, so rapid I didn't have time to respond to one of them.

At the same time I brought my glance to his and he focused on my blameworthy expression. He observed my look and then reassured himself that I hadn't done something foolish. Boy was he wrong.

This all happened in a tenth of a second. My mind still hadn't fully comprehended all his thoughts.

Of course I shouldn't be worried, everything will be fine. Okay. Now, "what exactly does Bella know?" he asked, zealous.

I ignored his enthusiasm at the prospect of Bella knowing our secret. Was it an act? Surely my words would cut deeper in a minute. He hadn't really had time to settle on the thought.

"She knows everything about me!" About us, I amended internally. "She put the pieces together and I just...I couldn't keep lying to her." I figured the truth would be better than lies right now.

Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't tell her himself. Carlisle contemplated mentally. The way she has changed him...I can't describe it. She would be his perfect pairing. Why not change her? he murmured in thought.

Excellent, Esme beamed. Was she excited about this news too? Was this not the huge betrayal I thought it would be?

"She is the best thing that has ever happened to you, Edward." Carlisle cut into my thoughts. "I'm so glad she knows," he whispered softly to me. "It was to be expected. But now, maybe it's time to move to the next step."

My head snapped up.

Esme nodded in agreement.

"Next step?" I shouted. "Move to the next step?"

Was this the conclusion? An immortal life? I couldn't be responsible for such a brutal act. It felt like a brick was sliding down my throat into the pit of my stomach.

"You want me to what...ask her to die?" I shot up like a bottle rocket. "Ask her if she wished to be doomed to go to hell? Are you insane?"

The thought of her burning with the fiery thirst day by day or the first initial three days of begging for death as her veins burned with venom - my venom - nearly sent me over the edge.

I was hoping beyond hope that this would not come to some sort of vote like what nearly happened after I saved her from the van. To make her into the appalling creature that I am or bring on her early death...no, there is another option. There has to be.

I looked to Carlisle. If anyone's opinion mattered it would be his. He froze for just a fraction of a second and then sighed heavily. I studied him for a few seconds, apprehension etched into my face, easily reflected in his golden eyes. Also, I could see my face from two viewpoints perfectly. There it was, my pain jerking down the corners of my lips.

"I can't imagine hurting her, bringing her to her death."

"If it's a matter of self control...I can offer my services," Carlisle proposed.

"A vampire, forever frozen at seventeen...forever doomed to our existence." Carlisle flinched at my words. "I just can't...you can't! How can either of you possibly think her knowledge of our existence a good thing when this is the conclusion?" I shouted.

There were a few murmured agreements throughout the house. Jasper was quiet but thought the next step or death should be the only options. But, after Alice's request he seemed to try his best to keep his thoughts to himself.

"Who is to say she couldn't live out her mortal life?" I paused, chagrin obvious in my tone. "I haven't killed her." But I could. So easily.

But you haven't killed her, you even saved her life, I thought to myself, the little devil sitting on my shoulder. Not yet, I amended. The guilt was plainly splayed across my face.

Couldn't Carlisle tell I was scarcely clutching onto my humanity - just barely by my fingertips when I was around the sweet seduction of Bella's blood and her enticing pulse? Each second around her was like crawling through the desert and happening upon water that was poisonous. So seductive.

If being human is what you wish for her and you feel that you can't offer this...then maybe this is the time to leave. Carlisle offered as a choice. He saw me flinch and changed tact. I just don't want you to make a mistake by denying yourself your true mate by keeping her human. He spoke silently to me."If you wish to keep her human, then that is your decision. We will not demand her death, or her transformation." Carlisle added, trying to calm my frenzied nerves. At the same time he was letting everyone in the house know this was his final word. And they are to abide by it. No deaths, no transformations. The end. "You have amazing self control. I believe that you will make the right decision."

Shock. Yes, that was the emotion I was feeling; stunned, surprised, astonished...I looked up and stared at him incredulously.