Back in the Saddle (Jessica Brodie Diaries #1)(79)

“After seeing you a few times I knew I wasn’t doing well keeping away from you. When I didn’t see you physically I thought about you. About your voice, your funny outbursts, the way you walk, all of it. All of you.”

As he paused, I took a moment to reflect. Was I seriously sitting here in my holy sweats hearing the Golden God tell me he thought about me? It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be happening... Did I drop some acid at the hospital without knowing it?

So maybe not reflecting as much as freaking out. I silenced my inner monologue as he went on.

“At the rodeo--" His jaw clenched. I could see he was reliving later in the night, when he wasn’t watching me so close. Like Adam, he hadn’t forgiven himself for that. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t his job—to him, he’d failed me. He slightly shook his head, not wanting to dwell. Not at the moment, anyway. I had a feeling he did plenty of that on his own time.

“That night in the trailer,” he went on, “you tossed and turned and called out for me. I went to the bed to see if you needed anything. You curled up into my arms. A perfect angel. Bitter sweet. I knew you deserved better, but I wanted for all the world to be with you.”

“William...” I desperately wanted to hear more, but this was obviously painful for him. It was killing me to see his turmoil, especially when all was forgiven. He liked me! I would deal with not being able to have him because his life was too busy, but it wasn’t me. It wasn’t my faults, this time.

“Let me finish, Jess. I owe you all the truth, regardless of how you feel about me. I have to explain.” He was still avoiding my gaze. “At Froggy’s I was barely keeping a leash on myself that whole night. I wanted to be near you, to touch you... I was holding tight to what little self-control I could muster. Everyone saw right through me, but for once I didn’t give a shit.

“When I thought you left with that…with your date, I tried to move on to other distractions. I tried to control the anger and jealousy. But you didn’t leave. And every time I saw you I wanted you. Even when you taunted me,” he laughed to himself. “Not often a girl does that, but still, I was bursting to share the joke. Then came the dance off...” He shook his head and finally looked at me. The raging desire in his sparkling sun infused eyes was plain.

“I thought it would be a fun amusement. Usually only chicks vying for attention did them, but why not? It would be funny. A way to interact with you without eyes watching. But, seeing you dance... My God you can move your body, Jessica. I lost control immediately. All of it. I couldn’t stop myself, couldn’t help myself. Pardon my frankness, but I wanted to rip off your clothes and have my way with you.” His face went red and he half shrugged. “I know I shouldn’t say that, but it was true. Lord in heaven... I meant what I said. I thought I shamed you with my actions; my desire. You are dangerous to me, Jessica. I have no self-control around you. I would bend over backwards to make you smile.”

His whole body heaved in a sigh. But he continued. “I decided I was going to say something about my feelings the next time I saw you. Ask you out. I had to. It couldn’t go on like this. But then you disappeared. You stopped coming around. It was like the light went out of my life. The fun out of my nights.

“I kept trying to get Ty to get Candace to invite you out with us. I was trying to be sly about it. Adam asked what I had said to you on the dance floor. That I probably brought this on myself. That’s when I knew what I said must have hurt you. I humbly apologize for that. It was not my intention.”

The sun was blazing its last as it slipped beneath the horizon. The sky was a fury of color.

I went to move to him, beyond speech now. Somewhere along the way I started crying. The hurt he caused me was acute, but seeing that he had felt the same way killed me. All that pain had been needless.

I forgave him for it, of course, knowing now that he was trying to do what he thought was the right. Trying not to hurt me, but killing us both in the process. I just wanted to be held. For all this pain and uncertainty to go away.

I still didn’t know if he resigned himself to accepting me into his life, or was just explaining the hurt so I knew. Him pushing me away now might kill me, but it would be a better pain knowing that he at least cared for me rather than thinking I wasn’t good enough.

“Almost done, Jess,” he said, looking out over the valley once more. “I had hoped to see you in the hospital. I saw your car in the parking lot and was determined to talk to you. Talk to you as I am doing now. You left so quickly, though, I thought the damage had been done, and you were done with me. The news of you leaving...” He took a ragged breath. I did, too; tears freely rolling down my face. “I had a bunch of work to do, so I wasn’t going to go out, until I got a text from Adam saying you were on your way to the bar. I even told Adam to go for you if you would have him, to keep you in Texas. To at least keep you close. He refused, though. Didn’t say why. I think he is overly fond of you. You are one of his favorite people, so I am not sure why he wouldn’t try for you.

“To end my rambling diary, I heard how desolate you sounded when you talked about...being touched.” William turned toward me, his whole body opening to me. “Jessica, I am so sorry if I caused any of that. I am so sorry if I caused you pain.” He went to reach to me, to wipe tears from my face, but he held himself in check. “I do want to be there for you, if even as just a friend. I hate to see you cry. Do you remember at the rodeo when you were back behind the trailer with the jazz music?”