Back in the Saddle (Jessica Brodie Diaries #1)(76)

That last bit did embarrass me. Partly because it was part of feminine vulnerability to say you wanted to be touched, and partly because I was admitting I hadn't been. And frankly, I knew I was bad at hiding my loneliness.

Everyone was considering something different, even William, who was contemplative as he looked out over the bar. I obviously said too much—this awkward pause being the reason you talked only to women and g*y men about that stuff. Straight men couldn't handle the pressure of women judging them the same as they judged women.

"Is this a universal thing?" Ty asked slowly.

I tried not to laugh. "Women still aren't nearly as bad as men when it comes to acting on it, Ty. And your woman is better than most, don't worry." Candace looked at me with relief.

“Well, anyway, I need to head off,” I announced.

“Denied,” Adam said with resolution. “It’s Friday; you ain’t got nuthin’ else ta do.”

“Well, pee for a start. Unless you like a wet seat?”

Moose was first out of the booth. He had always been the gullible one.

I took my time in the restroom, wanting to sneak out but not wanting to be a coward, so just stalling in the meantime. When I was headed back to the table, intending to say good-bye, William met me in the middle of the bar. He stopped when he saw me and I noticed he tried not to let his eyes stray past my face, but failed. It made me feel marginally better about the night.

It was the small things.

"Hey, William. Uh, I'm going to head out. So..."

"Would you mind staying for one more beer? I was planning to leave after that, also."

"I probably shouldn't."

"Listen, Jess—Jessica.” William looked hesitant. “About what you said earlier. Um...of, you know, drought. You sounded somewhat...forlorn. It's not my business, but... I just wanted you to know that if you needed to talk, I’m here."

Oh hey, thanks for the salt. I’ll just pour it in the gaping hole in my chest.

I wanted to get mad. I wanted my temper to flare and to say something witty and cutting. I wanted anything but what was happening, which was to tear up. I let my head drop to hide my face, my body shuttering to stop the crying.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I always seem to say the wrong thing.” He moved closer to put his arms around me for comfort.

“No, I’m okay. You just surprised me, is all.” I hurriedly wiped the tears from my face. “I’m just going to say good-bye to the others.” I turned and walked toward the table.

“Jessica!” He called.

I kept going. There was no point in it. No point in anything concerning him. You just had to know when to say die. It took me until the issue was decomposing to finally admit it, but I needed to move on.

“Hey guys,” I said dejectedly, “I might just head out.”

“Wait, Jess. I’ll walk you,” Candace said as she scooted from the booth.

Waiting, I leaned against the wall, needing physical support from that last exchange. I didn’t realize I was a foot from Adam. When I did notice I started, then muttered a “sorry.”

“That shade ‘a blue don’t match your dress,” Adam said.

“What?” I was not in the mood for riddles.

“That layer of sad you got on. It’s draped on you like a blanket. It don’t fit.”

I nodded, barely keeping from rolling my eyes. “Okay, Adam. Well, I’ll see you around.” I pushed off from the wall as Candace stood.

Before I got two feet, William was in front of me, blocking my way. His delicious scent wafted to my nose, making my stomach cringe and my sexual factors roar to life. It was so unfair the effect he had on me.

He looked at Adam with facial sign language. Adam, seeing my panic and silent plea for him to stay, cocked his head, but nodded to William. As he walked away I thought I heard, “Make it right, man. She don’t deserve this. Make it right.”

“I’m sorry, Jessica,” William said to me quietly. Well, as quiet as you could in a crowded bar. “I was trying to do the right thing, but I was an ass just there. Please don’t leave because of me.”

My eyes misted again.

“Leave what specifically; the bar or the country?” I said with a hint of the anger I hoped would hide the sorrow.

Surprise flitted through his blank mask. “I...”

A tear rolled down my face and I dropped my head again. More tears joined it. It felt like the gremlins had finally gotten through. They ate and scratched their way out of my chest, which was now emptying its contents like puke on my shoes.

Hope was fleeing for good. Cold truth was floating down like ashes. It was done. The book on William was finally, solidly closed. And it hurt as bad as losing my first love.

Suddenly Candace was there with her arm around me. I was being led away from the table, not a sound being uttered to stop me. She got me outside and hugged me firmly. I was trying to control my crying but wasn’t doing a great job.

“Do you want me to go with you?” she asked.

I shook my head. I didn’t know her well enough to be consoled by her, sweet as she was.

She tucked me into a cab and sent me home with a promise to call tomorrow.

It was a long, dark walk to my cottage. There was no Gladis waving out the window or inviting me in. I had no one to make me some coffee and tell me encouraging words. I had only a dark residence of solitude. Just like William read in me. I was so utterly alone and lonely that I couldn’t stand it.