The Candy House(84)
Facelift?
Carmine→Jazz
Too obvious. Stick with craggy.
Eric Platt→Jazz Attenborough Dear Mr. Attenborough,
It all checks out. The people are real. I’ve spoken with the writer, Jules Jones, who has remained close to Bosco Baines (of the Conduits) since writing about him in Suicide Tour. Could be great publicity for you.
Sincerely, Eric Platt
3rd Assistant to Jazz Attenborough
Jazz→Eric
Forward to Carmine, he will handle. 1st and 2nd assistants too busy.
FWD: Eric Platt→Carmine DeSantis
Dear Mr. DeSantis,
Please see below my correspondence with Mr. Attenborough regarding a possible interview to take place on one or more of his speedboats. I’ve spoken to the writer and it all checks out. I think it could be a great way to burnish Mr. A’s image as a silver alpha.
Sincerely, Eric Platt
3rd Assistant to Jazz Attenborough
Carmine→Eric
Silver alpha, I like that. Haven’t seen 70 y/o Jazz in swim trunks lately, have you?
Eric→Carmine
Yes, he’d just finished swimming when I came for my interview. Looks great for a senior: well tanned, well muscled, abundant gray chest hair, stringy/beef jerky abs.
Carmine→Eric
Can chest hair be dyed?
Eric→Carmine
Yes. My girlfriend is a makeup artist. She does it with a toothbrush.
Carmine→Eric
Tell the writer yes. One problem: Jazz wants me to replace you. If you’ll oversee the logistics, I’ll present them as my own.
Eric→Carmine
With all due respect, Mr. DeSantis, why should I settle for that?
Carmine→Eric
Ok let’s have it: hopes and dreams in five words or less.
Eric→Carmine
Screenwriter/Director
Carmine→Eric
I hereby pledge to read your next script and represent you if I like it.
Eric→Carmine
Thank you, Mr. DeSantis! Could you please include a quick witness signature?
Carmine→Eric
You’re learning fast.
Jules Jones→Ames Hollander VIA MONDRIAN
Dear Ames,
While I appreciate your trust, I need to get out of the middle of this. I’m anxious about weevils for the first time in a year, and I have too much on my plate to deal with a breakdown right now.
Yours, JJ
Ames→Jules VIA MONDRIAN
Dear Jules,
Fear of weevils outweighs incidence by 5,000 to 1, which is why they are classified as a Terrorist Weapon rather than a Surveillance Tool. That said, there may be a slight possibility of a breach in our friend’s case, so I’m moving her to the top of my NYC list. I knew her husband a little from my own dealings with NSA (great guy), but the government has a strict rule against outside cleaners, so there is no way he can be involved or even know about this. You are the obvious person, Jules. Will throw in a “tune-up” scan for you, if that helps.
Ames Hollander
Jules→Ames VIA MONDRIAN
Fuck. Going for a run. Too anxious to continue this convo and trying to lose weight.
Carmine DeSantis→Jazz Attenborough
Jazzy, I strongly suggest you do the speedboat profile with Jules Jones (SUICIDE TOUR) and Bosco (CONDUITS), and have taken the liberty of answering “yes” on your behalf.
Jazz→Carmine
How long have we worked together, Carmine?
Carmine→Jazz
My whole career, 23 years.
Jazz→Carmine
If I’ve had a single motto, from day one, what has it been?
Carmine→Jazz
I know I know, “No reunions.” But I thought that only meant with angry ex-wives and feckless offspring.
Jazz→Carmine
It means everyone.
Carmine→Jazz
Well you’ve never met Bosco Baines or Jules Jones, so it will be a reunion for THEM but not for you. On another note, why fire 3rd Assistant when his suggestion ended up checking out?
Jazz→Carmine
Don’t like to flip-flop. Replace.
Eric Platt→Jules Jones
Dear Mr. Jones,
I’m pleased to relate the news that Mr. Attenborough is willing to participate in the speedboat interview with you and Bosco Baines after his return from Belize next month. As security on his property is tight, can you give me a sense now of how many people would be present? The crew must be minimal, and we’ll need signed affidavits from each person present stating that the day will be deleted in full from any uploads to the Collective Consciousness.
Respectfully, Eric Platt
3rd Assistant to Jazz Attenborough
Jules→Eric
Dear Eric,
Excellent news. We are a no-frills crew consisting of myself, Bosco, a photographer/videographer, and my pal Lulu, a seasoned music producer and jack-of-all-trades.
Yours, JJ
Eric→Jules
Mr. Attenborough has fired me, capriciously, but Mr. DeSantis has quietly retained me to oversee this project. Long-shot question: Any chance your friend Lulu would be willing to pose as Mr. Attenborough’s new 3rd assistant until this shoot is complete, to free up Mr. DeSantis from playing middleman? Mr. DeSantis will assure Mr. A of background checks, etc.