Stop Anxiety from Stopping You: The Breakthrough Program For Conquering Panic and Social Anxiety(11)

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10. Mindreading


Problem: Mindreading is the act of assuming you know what other people are thinking and the inferences they are making about you. These inferences are generally skewed in the negative direction. If you are anxious or feel like you are about to have a panic attack, it may sound something like this in your mind: “Everyone will notice that I am panicked and assume I am weak or incapable of managing my emotions!” or, “She can tell my hands are trembling and she probably thinks she does not want to go on another date with me!”



Solution: In general, mindreading is wildly inaccurate. Not only are we usually way off, we forget that other people spend a large majority of their thinking time focusing on themselves and their own problems. They are also unlikely to make only negative interpretations about what other people do. If you engage in mindreading, next time remind yourself that the person is likely not thinking about you in much detail, and if they are, they are just as likely to make neutral or positive interpretations as negative.





11. Overgeneralization


Problem: Overgeneralization takes a singular event or instance in your life and applies it broadly across situations. For example, you may say to yourself, “I had a panic attack while shopping last year. I should probably only shop with another person or avoid malls and grocery stores altogether.”



Solution: The next time this happens, try saying to yourself, “This was one event, and I am not going to make broad assumptions about what will happen. I will just wait and see.”





12. Personalizing


Problem: Personalizing refers to taking someone else’s actions as directly related to you or a response to your behavior. For example, “He is frowning because he can tell I am nervous and not doing a good job.” “She is not being friendly because she can tell I am a nervous wreck inside.”



Solution: The reality is that other people’s behavior is based largely on what they are experiencing and who they are. We are likely not to have enough knowledge about what is going on in their world to draw accurate conclusions. Next time this happens, try saying to yourself: “Their reaction is probably about them, and not about me.”



13. “Shoulds”

Problem: “Shoulds” are the rules we play by and we are taught them in childhood. I should brush my teeth, shower daily, keep my word, right a wrong, etc. The problem comes when we try to apply these rigid rules to our emotional life. “I should not feel anxious. I should control my emotions. I should be able to stop how I feel.”



Solution: Our emotional life simply does not function by such rules. I encourage you to start noticing and letting go of these emotional shoulds. They are neither necessary nor beneficial to the management of panic or anxiety. Try to maintain a measure of flexibility and self-compassion the next time you encounter an emotional “should.”





14. Labeling


Problem: Labeling refers to giving yourself a negative label for experiencing anxiety, such as “loser,” “weak,” or even “anxious person.” It sounds like this: “I am such a loser for staying home and panicking today,” or “I am the most anxious person I know; I will just have to get used to feeling this way.” Labeling is destructive because it berates and belittles us and diminishes our capacity for growth.



15. The grass is greener on the other side!

Problem: We have all felt it at one time or another. It just seems like other people have it easier. They are naturally able to take life in stride, to manage anxiety, or to be happier!



Solution: I find that what seems natural or effortless is often the result of years of practicing certain habits. It is like watching a master ballerina perform; the movements are so natural that we forget they have been honed for a decade or even two! I invite you to dismiss the facade and to take what seems effortless with a grain of salt. If you struggle with this, I suggest that you adopt a mantra for what you are working on. A mantra, also called an affirmation, is a statement of positive intent that you repeat to yourself daily.



For example:

I am learning to master my anxiety better and better each day.

A life that is more peaceful and calm is on its way as I practice new skills.

I am learning to think differently in order to stop panic from stopping me.





16. Self-Pity


Problem: Struggling with anxiety and panic can be exhausting! When we are drained, our thinking can plunge into a downward spiral, and we can reach a place where we start to feel sorry for ourselves. This, in turn, can make us feel even worse and more alone than we already do. If this happens to you, it can sound like the following: “Why me? Things were okay; they were good. What did I do to deserve this? I feel so miserable!”



Solution: Self-pity is toxic and it is shortsighted. I invite you to practice self-compassion instead. Be kind to yourself, without spiraling into the negative vortex of self-pity. If you are practicing self-compassion, your thoughts sound like this: “I am really struggling with anxiety right now, but I know if I keep working on it I can get better.”