Stop Anxiety from Stopping You: The Breakthrough Program For Conquering Panic and Social Anxiety(15)

In order to overcome social anxiety, it is necessary to first understand the social anxiety mind game and to correct the anxiety lies. Second, it is important to challenge any thinking errors and beliefs that drive social anxiety. Third, it is time to look at any behaviors that you are avoiding or enduring with intense anxiety and to start systematically engaging in those behaviors again until they no longer produce the same effect.

Every person who experiences social anxiety feels it a bit differently. Below is a partial list of situations that may produce social anxiety. Please read it over and see which may apply to you:

?Eating or drinking in public

?Trying to ask someone out on a date

?Speaking in public

?Taking part in a performance, such as being in a play ?Singing on stage or participating in karaoke ?Giving a toast at a wedding

?Speaking to someone in authority

?Returning a purchase to a store

?Attending a party or social gathering

?Hosting a party or social gathering

?Urinating in a public bathroom

?Speaking up in class or at work

?Talking with someone you do not know well or who is a stranger ?Entering a room after the meeting or a party has already started ?Being observed while you wo

?Calling someone who you do not know well or who is a stranger ?Dancing in public

?Making eye contact with someone you do not know well ?Being the center of attention

?Talking with or being introduced to people of authority ?Being teased or criticized



Please write down any additional situations not covered by this list that produce social anxiety for you:





CHAPTER IX.





Social Anxiety —





The Lies





“You have brains in your head you have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go.” —Dr. Seuss





Your social anxiety lies to you in the following ways:



Lie Number 1: People can tell I am anxious and they will judge me harshly for it.

The truth is, most of the time people are unaware of your internal state. They are also fairly focused on themselves, and so they are probably thinking about their own problems and feelings. Sometimes you may have overt signs of anxiety: you turn bright red, stammer, or you sweat profusely. I would say that most people are still not going to jump to the conclusion that you are anxious. For example, they may think you are feeling warm, ate something spicy, or are getting sick.

Let’s assume that someone does notice your anxiety. What would that mean? Your social anxiety tells you that they will think less of you. The truth is they probably will relate to you or at the very least empathize. It is our imperfections that make us human, relatable, and able to connect.

Think about someone you know who is so together that they appear “perfect.” How relatable do you find that person? How much do you like them and want to be emotionally close to them? The answer is probably not much – they are too difficult to relate to! Now think for a moment of your closest friends whose flaws you are well aware of and have come to accept. How much do those flaws affect your view of them as a great person and a good friend?

The good news here is that your anxiety is personal and largely noticeable only to you. On the rare occasion that people may notice, I would venture to say it simply makes you more endearing and more likable!



Lie Number 2: There is always a right and a wrong way to act in a social situation.

If you noticed the all-or-nothing thinking error here, way to go! This is a false dichotomy. Social situations are complex and nuanced – there is no one right way, and searching for one is fruitless. In fact, each culture and sub-culture has many variations on what is considered appropriate social behavior. We all do the best we can socially, and if we make a mistake, all we can do is to learn from it and move on.



Lie Number 3: I have to try to control other people’s opinions of me.

Thousands of years ago, the famed Greek philosopher Plato said: “We cannot control our reputation.” It is still true today. Let’s give up this illusion of control as quickly as we can by focusing on what we truly can do – live with integrity by acting on our values and keeping our word. Let go of the rest.

Some people are in the business of reputation management and witness the engineering of perception in their daily work lives, so it is hard to believe that we cannot control it. I hold it to be true that while our actions and words can influence our reputation, they cannot control it entirely. People are free to make up their own minds, regardless of how much we may not want it to happen.



Lie Number 4: Other people are very critical of mistakes.

Your social anxiety is telling you that other people will be harsh and critical of you if you make a mistake.



Bob was brutally teased in middle school. He was smaller in stature than other kids his age and had a stutter. This made him extremely cautious of public speaking. Though he outgrew his stuttering a few years later, he still felt that he might stumble over his words and be teased and embarrassed. As an adult, he became very nervous at any speaking opportunity. As a result, he avoided speaking up at work, even when he thought it would benefit him professionally.