Stop Anxiety from Stopping You: The Breakthrough Program For Conquering Panic and Social Anxiety(17)

2. I am not Worthy.

Problem: Perhaps, underneath, you wonder if you are good enough or “worthy” of good social connections or experiences.



Solution: “Affiliation” or being close to other humans is a basic human need. There is nothing you need to do to earn it; you are already deserving of it. If you do not feel this way, please ask yourself, “What makes me not worthy?” A lot of the time, the answer is “nothing” and it frees you to move on. Sometimes the answer reveals an insecurity you have about yourself and your social desirability: “I am not very attractive,” “I am not very eloquent,” or “I do not have a great sense of humor.” At other times there is just a vague sense of not being good enough. No matter what your personal answer is, it is very likely that you are applying perfectionistic standards here. No one has flawless beauty, 100% perfect elocution, or unfailing humor. Beauty queens have their photos airbrushed to remove flaws, professional speakers fumble and make errors, and great comedians make bad jokes from time to time. Shift the focus to your strengths and you will start discovering what you bring to the table, rather than what you lack.



3. I am Helpless.

Problem: If you struggle with social anxiety, it is not uncommon to start over-relying on very social friends or family members in order to feel more comfortable. It can become a crutch to only engage in social situations with people with whom you feel “safe.” It limits you socially, and it reinforces the belief that you just cannot do it yourself.



Solution: I encourage you to reduce and then eliminate these crutches as soon as you are able to. Engage in your feared behaviors without “safety people” or “safety objects.” It is just a matter of practice before it gets easier.



Write down any negative social anxiety beliefs that may apply to you, including those that may not have been listed above:





4. There’s A Right Way to Act in Every Situation

Problem: When you struggle with social anxiety it feels like there is an exact way to act in every situation, and when we fail to do so, or believe that there is a strong chance that we will not be able to do so, our anxiety spikes. To make matters worse, we sometimes doubt that we can figure out what that exact right way to act is, and we may suffer mercilessly trying to bridge the gap or avoid the situation altogether.



Solution: I would encourage you to start noticing when others who you admire make social mistakes or “break” the social code slightly. What are the consequences? How do they handle it? Is it possible that it largely goes unnoticed, or is quickly dismissed?



Safety Behaviors

We all do things to make ourselves more comfortable if we can. In the case of social anxiety, this can turn into a ritual that silently promotes and exacerbates anxiety. For example, you may always have a glass of wine before you feel okay socializing. It is not that you have a problem with alcohol; you have just developed a ritual and you now feel handicapped without it. Some examples of safety behaviors are:



?Always needing to be accompanied by people you know well in social situations – without an otherwise obvious necessity to do so.

?Always having a drink or two at a party or social gathering before you feel relaxed enough to socialize.

?Always engaging in an activity at a social gathering with the purpose of avoiding socializing, such as regularly cleaning up, helping the host with serving food, or any other activity that gets you out of just being a guest.

?Feeling the need to carry around an object with you that you feel safe with: a rabbit’s foot, your lucky rock, or even your anxiety medication that you usually do not need.

?Asking for reassurance repeatedly (e.g. about appropriate social behavior, what you wear, how you come across, etc.)

?Over preparing for a presentation or performance.

?Having to repeat a behavior before you feel it is okay to be out socially: This can be excessive grooming or spending a very long time to apply makeup, do your hair, or select just the right clothing. Having to look in the mirror very carefully, having to recite a prayer or an encouraging statement, or feeling the need to read certain pages in your anxiety book in order to feel “okay” to socialize.



Safety behaviors are a form of avoidance. They block you from fully feeling your anxiety and also from the benefit of watching your anxiety diminish on its own. For this reason, it is important to work on eliminating any and all safety behaviors from your repertoire. Start by making a list of all the safety behaviors you practice and ranking them from easiest to toughest to give up. Then, start by eliminating the easiest one, and then move toward the more difficult ones. If this proves challenging, you may wish to seek help from a friend who can hold you accountable or retain the services of a licensed therapist who specializes in treating anxiety.

Think of any safety behaviors that you currently have and write them down below:





Social Anxiety Key Fears — Your Personal So What

Think about your key fears. The clues often lie in activities that you avoid or endure with a lot of anxiety. It is often helpful to ask yourself what would happen if what you imagine – the worst of it – actually happens? I call this your personal so what. It works like this:

For example: If you are afraid of public speaking, ask yourself: