Not Pretending Anymore(78)

Throughout the mass, I mostly stared at the back of their heads. It hurt like hell for another man to be sitting in my spot, giving my girl comfort. But in the end, Molly was most important, not my own selfish desires.

After the service, the pallbearers carried the casket out of the church, and Molly and her family followed directly behind. I kept my head down as she and Will passed so I wouldn’t make things uncomfortable. Outside, a hearse and a stretch limousine waited. I figured Will and Molly would ride in the limo together with her family, so I was surprised when I saw him kiss her forehead, pull his keys out of his pocket, and head to the parking lot alone. Molly looked around, and when our eyes met, she smiled sadly. I walked over, figuring I should probably say goodbye now.

I rubbed her arms. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m really glad that’s over.”

“Yeah, I bet.”

Over her shoulder, I saw Kayla helping her daughter and two older women into the limousine. When she was done, she scanned the crowd.

“I think Kayla might be looking for you.”

“Do you think she’d be upset if I told her I didn’t want to ride in the limousine with them?”

“I think you should do whatever is going to be easiest on you. It looks like she has family with her, so she won’t be alone.”

Molly held up a finger. “Will you give me a minute, please?”

“Of course.”

I watched as she walked over to her dad’s wife, and they spoke. Molly pointed to me, and Kayla’s eyes lifted to meet mine. She smiled. They hugged before Molly made her way back over.

“Are you going to the cemetery?” she asked.

“I was planning on it.”

“Can I ride with you?”

I was surprised, but wasn’t going to turn down a few more minutes alone with her. “Of course.”

Cars were lining up behind the limousine with their headlights on. I noticed the second car back was Will, and his eyes were on us.

“Does Will know you’re riding with me?” I lifted my chin and pointed to his car. “Because he’s watching us right now.”

Molly sighed. “No, I should probably go tell him.”

I nodded. “Why don’t I go get the car from the parking lot?”

“Okay, thank you.”

When I pulled the car around, Molly climbed in.

“Everything go okay?”

She shrugged. “He said it was fine.”

The hearse at the front of the long line of cars pulled away from the curb, and the procession followed. Molly stared out the window as we started to drive.

“Can I ask you something?” she said.

“Of course. Anything.”

“What scares you the most about dying?”

I glanced at her and back to the road. “I don’t know. I don’t think you’re in physical pain once your heart stops beating, and I like to think that there’s an afterlife of some sort. So I’m not necessarily afraid of the physical notion of death. I think what probably scares me the most is dying with regrets.”

“Like what?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know… I guess if I looked back and realized I’d worked really hard, but it was at the cost of neglecting the people I love. Or if I didn’t have a wife or a family for some reason.” I paused and glanced over at Molly again. “If I missed important opportunities because I was too afraid to take a chance.”

She nodded and continued to stare blankly out the window. “I don’t think my father had too many regrets…maybe some with how he handled things after he left us, but I feel like he made peace with that recently.”

I reached over and took her hand. “I think you gave him that peace, Molly.”

She sighed. “I’m so glad I had these last few months with him.”

I nodded. “I think it meant the world to him, too.”

A few minutes later she said, “Will told me he loved me a few days ago. It was the day before my dad died.”

It felt like I’d been punched in the gut, and all of the air was sucked out of my lungs. I had to take a minute to be able to respond. “Were you…happy about that?”

“He’s been really great through all this. I know you had your doubts about him in the beginning. I did, too. But I do think he cares about me.”

“Are you…in love with him?” I held my breath.

“I like him a lot.” She looked down at her hands on her lap. “But I couldn’t say it back. Not yet. I care about him, and we have a nice time when we’re together. We have a lot in common.” She shook her head. “I don’t know. Maybe my emotions are just all over the place because of everything going on with my dad and that’s making me unsure of my own feelings.”

I might not be certain about most shit in life, but one thing I now knew is that when you’re truly in love, you know it. And even if Molly wasn’t going to be with me, I never wanted her to settle for anything less than she deserved.

“I think you know it when you’re in love, Molly.”

“But how? How do you know?”

Just as she asked, we arrived at the wrought-iron gates of the entrance to the cemetery. The funeral procession slowed as we followed the hearse to Molly’s dad’s gravesite.