Not Pretending Anymore(81)

When the song changed to a slower one, I left the dance floor and headed for the bar.

Belinda smiled from ear to ear. “Damn, boy. I’ve never seen you dance like that.”

I grabbed a napkin and wiped my forehead. “Yeah, well, I’m trying to forget about shit, you know? Dancing my troubles away.”

“When is your flight again?”

“Thursday night. You’ll still be seeing me until then.”

Belinda pouted. “I’m sure gonna miss you.”

“You need to take a vacation and come out to California.”

“I promise you, I will.” She smacked me over the head with her dishrag. “What’s going on, Dec? I know you’re not devastated to leave Wisconsin. So there’s got to be something else you’re trying to forget. You’ve seemed down ever since you came back from Chicago.”

I hadn’t gone into much detail since returning from Molly’s dad’s funeral. But what did I have to lose now? “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone before?”

“Of course. But is the only reason you’re telling me because you’re half in the bag?”

I laughed. “No. I swear.”

“Okay. Just didn’t want you to regret it.” She leaned in. “What’s the big secret?”

“I think I’m in love.”

“With me?” she said without batting an eyelash.

That made me cackle. “Well, with you, yeah. That’s a given. But I was referring to someone else in this case.”

She smiled knowingly. “Molly…”

Letting out a long breath, I nodded. “Yeah.”

“You’re only now just realizing this?”

I sighed. “I always knew I cared deeply for her. But after this last trip to Chicago, I’m a hundred-percent sure I’m actually in love with her. And I don’t know what to fucking do about it.”

“So you realized you’re in love with Molly, but you’re not going back to Chicago.” She scratched her head exaggeratedly. “Yeah…that makes a lot of sense.”

“I know it doesn’t seem right. But the situation isn’t that simple.”

“If you love someone, you have to tell her.”

“Not if I don’t think I’m what’s best for her. If you love someone, you want what’s best for them .” I paused. “I told you about my depression. What if I can’t get a handle on it, or what if it gets worse over time?”

“Have you told her about it?”

I sighed. “I told her during this last visit. She was wonderful and supportive.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“The problem is, even if she accepts it, she may not really understand what she’d be getting herself into.”

She shook her head. “No one knows what they’re getting into long term or what the future holds. That’s a risk you take for love. I’ll bet she’s stronger than you think. And if she loves you back, she’ll accept that you have some bad days.”

The wheels in my head were still turning against me. “Okay…well, even if you’re right, she’s currently with someone else.”

“What does she say about her feelings for this other guy?”

“Last I checked, she hadn’t told him she loved him, even though he’d said those words to her. But that doesn’t mean she won’t get there.”

Belinda’s eyes popped wide. “Uh…hello? That’s a pretty big clue that she doesn’t love him.”

“That could have changed by now, though.” I leaned my head in my hands. “Regardless of her feelings for him, I have no clue if she feels the same way about me as I do her. She cares about me. We’re good friends. And she’s attracted to me—or at least she was at one point. But that doesn’t mean she feels as strongly as I do.”

“So ask. What’s the worst that could happen?”

I sighed. “I’m afraid of turning her life upside down. She’s been through a lot recently. I don’t want to cause trouble or confuse her if she’s in a happy, stable situation.”

Belinda shrugged. “She couldn’t tell you for sure that she loved this guy…”

“She was also in a weird place when she admitted that. Her father had just died—not sure she could feel anything at all.”

Belinda leaned her chin into her hands and smiled. “Is she the first girl you ever loved?”

There was no question. “Yeah. Without a doubt.”

“What made you certain you love her?”

I sighed. “There was a point at the church when I had to sit behind her and her boyfriend.” I shook my head. “It felt so unnatural…so painful. I felt like part of my heart was beating inside her, and I couldn’t get to it. I wanted so badly to be the one comforting her. And I felt literal pain. But it didn’t hit me until I was on the plane coming back here that the feeling of pain? It was actually love.”

Belinda shocked me by wiping a tear from her eye. “Declan, you have to tell her.”

My eyes widened. “Oh my God. I can’t fucking believe I made you cry just now.”

“I’m crying because what you said is beautiful. And I’m crying because I feel really bad that I’m gonna have to beat your ass in a minute.” Her tears gave way to laughter. “Dec, it would be tragic if you let her go without a fight.”