Not Pretending Anymore(82)

“I can’t let her go if I don’t have her in the first place.”

She rolled her eyes and whacked me with her dishrag again. “You know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think you’re scared. You said you don’t want to cause confusion, but if causing confusion is a concern, a part of you must know she has feelings for you—feelings that would mean she has a choice to make.”

That definitely made some sense. “Maybe…”

“By not saying anything, you stay in this safe place—she remains in your life, but never the way you hoped. You’re letting fear make all of the decisions here. Get your head out of your ass and see it for what it is.”

I chuckled. “Damn. I’m losing my straight-shooting therapist in a few days, aren’t I?”

Belinda held up a finger and left me momentarily to visit the DJ. When she returned to her spot behind the bar, Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m The Only One” started playing.

She spoke over the music. “Listen to the words of this song. This is the attitude you need to take with Molly. There is no other person who will love her like you do, even if life ain’t perfect all the time. You’re the only one, Declan. You know that deep inside. And the first way you can prove that is to risk getting your heart broken. Silence is regret. Inaction will always translate to regret in the end. If you never say anything, you’ll never know.”

I rubbed my temples. Belinda had given me way too much to think about tonight. She knew it, too, because she stopped talking and poured me another drink.





CHAPTER 32




* * *



Molly



It was one of the most grueling natural labors I’d witnessed in a long time. It was also another testament to the fact that Will Daniels was one damn amazing obstetrician.

“It’s a boy!” Will proudly proclaimed through his surgical mask as he pulled the baby out of our patient, Karma’s, womb. She’d been in labor for over twenty-four hours and had refused all drugs. Karma and her husband, Joshua, had chosen not to find out the baby’s sex, so they were just realizing they had a son.

“I can’t believe it!” Joshua proclaimed.

The excitement of a new baby being brought into the world never got old. It didn’t matter how many night shifts I’d endured. Each new life was just as amazing as the last.

Several minutes later, someone asked, “Do you have a name?”

The new mom smiled. “Declan.”

That stopped me in my tracks.

Declan.

Tears formed in my eyes. Declan had confirmed that he’d chosen not to come back to Chicago after his Wisconsin gig, and I hadn’t been able to get over it.

I didn’t understand why his not returning had this sort of impact on me. I mean, him going back to California was always the plan. But I knew there was a good chance I might not see him ever again.

I wiped my eyes. “Declan is a beautiful name.”

Will returned from washing his hands, took one look at my face, and squinted. He obviously knew I’d been crying but didn’t pry.

Will Daniels was a good man. I knew that now more than ever. He was the whole package. The real deal. And he’d told me he loved me over and over. And yet…I still couldn’t say it back.

We’d gotten into a couple of arguments lately regarding my moodiness and my inability to explain why I was sad. What was I supposed to say? I’m sad because the guy you hate for me to be around may never be coming back? I’m sad because I don’t quite know why I don’t love you?

But I realized it didn’t matter why I apparently didn’t love Will enough to say it. What mattered was being honest with him. And the truth was obvious. I couldn’t return his sentiments, and I wasn’t sure if I ever would.

Later, when he caught me in the break room, I couldn’t seem to look him in the eyes. And in that moment, I knew I’d reached my breaking point. I couldn’t do this anymore. Will Daniels might have been the perfect man, but he wasn’t the perfect man for me . He deserved someone who could profess her love for him without hesitation. I knew there would be a line of women waiting to take my place the second he went on the market again. Why waste his time if this wasn’t going to work out?

“Will…can we go out to the courtyard and talk?”

The look of disappointment in his eyes told me he knew exactly what was about to go down. He nodded and followed me outside.

And I broke up with one of the greatest men I’d ever met. Only time would tell if that was the biggest mistake of my life.

***

The following evening was my night off, and I decided to do something I’d been putting off; I invited my little sister, Siobhan, over for a sleepover. She’d just turned ten and was still struggling after Dad’s death. According to Kayla, Siobhan felt less alone around me because we had the loss of our dad in common. Kayla thought it would be a good idea for us to spend a little more time together. Hence, the sleepover. It was a nice distraction for me, as well.

While we noshed on pizza on the living room floor, my sister stuck her little nose where it didn’t belong.

“What happened to your two boyfriends?”

My eyes went wide. “Excuse me?”

“You have two boyfriends, don’t you? Will and Declan? They both came to Daddy’s funeral.”