Not Pretending Anymore(83)
My sister was more astute than I’d thought. And apparently, she thought I was polyamorous.
How to answer… “While in a fantasy world, a woman might be able to have two boyfriends and get away with it, in this world, most of the time, you only have one. Will was my boyfriend. Declan is my friend. Neither is currently my boyfriend.”
She tilted her head. “Why?”
No way was I getting into this with a ten-year-old.
“It’s complicated. But let’s just say, I didn’t love him the way I should have.”
She crossed her legs. “Why not?”
I blew a breath up into my hair. “I’m not sure. You know if you do love someone, but…it takes a little longer to figure out if you don’t sometimes.” Wiping my mouth with a napkin, I said, “Most of the time, it’s just a feeling. And once I realized Will wasn’t the one for me, I didn’t want to waste his time.”
“So how do you know if you love someone?”
That reminded me of my dad’s funeral and Declan’s words that day after I’d asked him the very question my sister had just asked me. “You know you’re in love if every little thing you’ve ever been scared of suddenly doesn’t seem half as terrifying as not spending the rest of your life with that person.”
If I stopped to analyze what I’d been feeling these past several days, it was fear—fear that I’d lost Declan. From the moment he’d told me he wasn’t coming back to Chicago, I could focus on little else.
Oh my God.
I finally answered her. “Siobhan, I think there’s more than one way to know you love someone. And one of those ways is losing them. Sometimes we don’t realize we love someone until it’s too late. Until they’re gone. I think that might be what’s happening to me.”
Her eyes practically bugged out of her head. “You love someone? Another guy? Number three?”
I shook my head and laughed. “No. Not number three. I love Declan.” I paused, gauging to make sure. Wow. Yeah. It sure is. “It’s Declan.”
She gasped. “Are you gonna tell him?”
I shook my head. “Maybe? I don’t know. I need more time to think about it. I only now just figured it out.”
“Okay.” She smiled and resumed eating her pizza as if this whole thing was no big deal.
It was to me.
We watched a movie after that and shared a giant tub of popcorn. But all I could think about was my realization about Declan. What did it mean? He was leaving Wisconsin for California in a few days. I still had a life here. Furthermore, what if he didn’t love me back? Then it wouldn’t matter how I felt.
I could only hope for some sort of sign in the days to come. I needed guidance on how to proceed. But I was especially glad I’d let Will go. Now I knew the source of my inability to love him. I loved someone else.
***
Later that night, Siobhan had gone to Declan’s room (yes, it would always be “Declan’s room”) to sleep, and I’d retreated to my own bedroom.
About ten minutes into my nighttime skincare routine, I heard my sister call me from across the hall.
“Molly!”
“Yeah?”
“Can you come here?”
When I entered the room, she was holding a piece of paper. “I found an M&M under the bed when I went to put my shoes there. So I went looking for more of them and found this.”
I took it from her. It was Declan’s handwriting.
And there were expletives.
Shit.
A bunch of sentences had been scratched out with a single line through them.
I read the note.
Fuck it. Let’s just try it.
I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to fuck you, Molly. But it’s so much more than that.
Maybe we should take it day by day and see where it goes.
I’m crazy about you, Molly. So let’s just do this.
What? My heart clenched. “Pretend you didn’t see this, okay? Go to bed, and we’ll talk in the morning.”
“Okay.” She shrugged. “’Night, Molly.”
“Goodnight.”
I took the note to my room and sat on the bed, rereading it over and over.
When did Declan write this?
I wracked my brain and couldn’t figure it out. But the timing didn’t matter. This proved he had wanted to be with me at one point, even though something had stopped him from telling me. This was all the answer I needed. I’d gotten the very sign I’d asked for. Now…what was I going to do about it?
CHAPTER 33
* * *
Declan
I had no idea if I was making the right decision. Sitting on the runway, I stared out the window while my heart pounded in my chest.
What if I’m too late?
What if she tells me she’s in love with him?
What if she can’t see a future for us as more than good friends?
The other alternative should have brought me relief…
What if she loves me back?
But instead, that thought made me sweat even more.
What if she loves me back?
What if she gave up the opportunity for a stable life with a decent guy, and all I could give her was long periods of darkness where getting out of bed to go to work was the best I could do?