Not Pretending Anymore(73)
“Time of death, 6:38PM.”
Kayla and I had clung to each other in the minutes that followed. I’d managed to stay strong until a howl escaped her—then we both fell apart. She wanted to say her goodbye first because she needed to go break the news to Siobhan. So I waited by the nurses’ station to give her time alone. Then, when she was done, I went in.
Taking my father’s hand, I stared down at his now-lifeless body. It was surreal that he was gone. I’d only just reconnected with him, and now I’d never see his smile or hear his laugh again. Tears streamed down my face.
“Hi, Dad. I don’t know if you can still hear me, but I have so much I didn’t get a chance to say.” I shook my head and swallowed the lump in my throat. “You were a good man. I know I didn’t always make you feel like I believed that, but you were. You were kind and patient, forgiving and honorable. I was stupid to let so many years go by without having you in my life, and I’m so glad we had these last few months to get to know each other again.” I wiped tears from my cheeks. “I know I can’t take back what I did, but I want you to know that I’ve learned from my mistakes. Time is too valuable to not be with the people you love, and I love you, Dad, with my whole heart. I also love Kayla and Siobhan. I know how deeply you care about them both, so I’m going to make sure to be a part of their lives from now on. I know you’d want that for all of us. They’re forever my connection to you. Thank you for bringing them into my life.” I stood and leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I love you, Daddy. I’ll see you again one day.”
Will was waiting outside of the curtain when I came out. After I spent some time with Kayla and Siobhan, he drove me home. On the way, I called my mom and texted my closest friends, including Declan, to let them know Dad was gone. When we finally walked into my apartment, it had felt like a year passed since I’d left yesterday. I looked at the time on the clock as I set my purse down on the kitchen counter.
“Oh my God, Will. It’s almost eleven o’clock. Your shift started at eight, didn’t it?”
He rubbed my arms. “Kurt Addison was on tonight. He owed me a favor, so he’s going to stay until I get there. I’ll go in and relieve him in a little while, and then I’ll work on finding people to cover my shifts for a few days.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
He kissed the top of my head. “I want to. This is going to be a tough week for you.”
I leaned against his chest, suddenly exhausted.
“You haven’t eaten anything in more than twenty-four hours,” he said. “Do you want me to make you something?”
I shook my head. “I’m too tired to even chew. I think I’m going to take a quick shower though.”
“Okay. While you do that, I’ll make you some soup.” He winked at me. “There’s no chewing involved.”
I took a long, steaming-hot shower and slipped into a furry bathrobe. My face was puffy from all the crying, and I left my hair wrapped in the towel because I was too lazy to brush it. Basically, I looked like hell, but didn’t have the energy to care.
In the kitchen, Will had set two bowls of steaming soup on the table. He pulled out a chair for me as I padded into the room.
“I found chicken noodle and tomato soup. I figured the tomato soup involved less chewing, but seeing that it expired a year and a half ago, I thought you’d be better off with a few noodles.”
I smiled and sat down. “Thank you.”
“Oh, and I almost forgot…” He turned around and grabbed something from the counter. “You also had this hidden behind the cans.” Will placed a shot glass filled with M&Ms on the table. “Do you hide candy for emergencies or something?”
My heart felt heavy. Yet again, Declan had found a way to remind me of him—not that my thoughts were ever too far away.
“I guess I just forgot I put them there,” I said.
After we ate our soup, I couldn’t wait to curl up in a ball in my bed. Will climbed in behind me and snuggled for a while, but eventually he had to leave for the hospital. He must’ve thought I was sleeping as he ever so carefully slipped out from the room. Rather than let him know I wasn’t, I kept my eyes closed and stayed quiet.
I hadn’t slept in more than a day and a half; I was physically and emotionally exhausted, yet I couldn’t fall asleep. I kept thinking about how much time I’d wasted, how many years I’d kept my distance from my father—and now he was gone. It was a real reminder that life moved fast, and it was so important to spend as much time as possible with the people you loved. I couldn’t go back, but I could make that a priority in the future.
CHAPTER 28
* * *
Molly
My father knew a heck of a lot of people.
Three days later, my sister Lauren had arrived from London, and we sat in the front row of the funeral parlor as what seemed like an endless stream of people stopped by to offer their condolences for the second day in a row. I was pretty sure anyone who happened to have a heart attack this afternoon might be shit out of luck, because every doctor and nurse in the county was at the wake. My dad and I had worked at two different hospitals, and the turnout was bigger than I’d anticipated. Even my mom came, which made me happy.