Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(57)

1. The world was not flat.

2. No one could take seriously something called “The Day of the Great Shucking”.

3. They completely misunderstood the actual size, location, and nature of the Giant Oyster and its Pearl of Doom. But do not worry, in another story someone else will eventually figure all that out. And you needn’t worry yourself about the dire consequences that ensued because, as I said, that is entirely a different story.



These days, all respectable astrologers, stargazers, and wise men agreed that the world was round, along with every other planet orbiting the sun.

They were only partially correct.

It turned out that one of those worlds, was, in fact, quite flat — the fifth world from the sun, a vast disk wheeling its way between a small red planet and a giant gassy planet. The disk was called Nimalys by its inhabitants. Creatures composed of pure thought, the Nimalyns spent their days logicking their way across their world, mixing their equations one with another to calculate new integers that would grow up to become even more complex Nimalyns. They encoded the secrets of the universe into the skin of their odd, flat world, transforming the entire planet into a monument celebrating knowledge and discovery. Nimalys held the answers to everything.

Which brings us back to our story.

At that precise moment, every planet in the sun’s grand necklace had converged to form a perfectly straight line, and they were all doing something rather strange.

The strangeness started with the world farthest from the sun. A tiny sphere of cold, dead rock, it began to shimmer in a very unplanetlike way then suddenly blasted a seething bolt of angry, magical energy toward the next planet. The next planet somehow amplified the bolt like a magnifying glass then blasted it on to the next world, and so on and so on. Each time it advanced the bolt became stronger, now passing through a planet surrounded by rings, now a giant planet with a great red eye, and now on to Nimalys, the most oddly wonderful world in the universe.

Unfortunately, the structural integrity of Nimalys — just a delicate crust wrapped around a smear of molten mantle surrounding a wafer-thin core of gold — was ill-suited to handle such an influx of arcane rage. With a shriek of “E = WTF?” the Nimalyns and the only flat planet in the entire universe exploded. The resulting asteroid belt would serve as a grim reminder of the destructive power of superstition over logic.

But to put your mind at ease, the destruction of Nimalys did not deflect the magical beam of energy in any way. The beam successfully made its way to Earth so Seeboth could finish his spell.





The white-hot bolt of light slammed into the full moon before lancing straight down into Princess Luscious.

Her back arched in shock.

Her body glared like the sun in a desert.

Her eyes spat tentacles of lightning.

The force of the event toppled Seeboth and he fell beside the altar, stunned.

Princess Luscious now burned with the power to unmake the universe.





44



CONVERGENCE


While Jeremy the Zombie brushed the dust from Jack’s head and shoulders and Jack undid the straps around each of Laura’s toes, Paul used the Singing Sword to slice away the last of the heavy bonds. When they had all finished their tasks, Paul offered his hand to help Laura step free of the cumbersome torture machine.

This time, Laura accepted.

“Thanks,” she said. “Now we’re even.”

Paul smiled. Things were finally looking up. “Let’s go,” he said.

The trio turned, only to discover that Paul’s smile had been premature. Things had begun looking downward once again, for a mass of Captain Head’s burly pirate bodyguards completely clotted the archway into the room. They had just fought their way through the cavern below and climbed a seemingly endless flight of stairs to get there, and they were not in a good mood.

Captain Head was not yet with them. Climbing so many stairs for a man of his girth would take a little extra time, but his bodyguards could get started without him.

Ready to fight, Jack scrabbled at his empty scabbard, only to remember that he had dropped his sword when he started climbing. “Wait!” he cried as the pirates began to surge inside. “Wait, don’t attack yet! Unarmed swashbuckler here!”

Jeremy the Zombie handed his severed arm to Jack. Jack brandished the limb without thinking until he saw the hand at its end clench into a fist.

“Whoa!” he cried, flinging the arm aside. “What are you doing? That thing could make me diseased!”

“My apologies, sir,” said Jeremy. “Since those pirates are about to make you dead, I thought it was better than nothing. Won’t happen again, sir.”

The four of them backed away from the advancing cutthroats. With only one sword between them, the situation appeared dire. Pushing Laura behind him, Paul braced for the coming attack — then Laura screamed.

It seemed odd for her to scream so soon because the pirates had yet to charge forward and begin the application of pain. Paul glanced at her to see what was wrong, and then he wanted to scream as well.

Zombies had swarmed through the hole in the wall and were streaming along the back of the chamber, effectively flanking them.

Pirates to the front.

Zombies to the back.

And nothing but a hole in the wall beside them leading to a very long fall.