Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(59)

Seeboth wheeled on Laura, outraged. “You?! But how?!”

Laura sniffed, feeling fairly proud of herself. “Pretty standard counterspell, actually. Surprised you didn’t know it.”

Paul leaped to his feet and charged forward once again.

“Blast it!” Seeboth snapped.

He wheeled back toward Princess Luscious, hoping to finish the sacrifice quickly, but he had made the mistake of backing too close to the altar, and even though she couldn’t see him clearly, Princess Luscious could hear his voice. She lashed out with her foot, channeling all her fear and anger and outrage into the kick, and her kick subsequently channeled it all directly into his groin.

“Oopf,” was all he said.

Judgment clattered from his hands and Laura scooped it up. Hunched over and clutching his crotch, Seeboth staggered toward her. She panicked.

“Paul! Catch!”

She flung the sword at him.

Paul ducked and it barely missed his head.

The blade flew down the steps.

A voice said, “Dammit! Not again!”

There was a flash of green light.

There was a flash of red light.

There was silence.





One of the interesting things about being a magic book is the fact that I can travel through time. The spell is called “Flashback” and I use it only sparingly, for it can prove quite deadly to the flow of a story. Should one’s Inciting Incident and one’s Denouement ever meet accidentally, well, I’m sure you can imagine the narrative paradox that would result.

I am about to cast Flashback, but keeping everything I just said in mind, I will only be jumping back in time fifteen seconds, and I will only be moving us to the bottom of the stairs.

Please brace yourself. Sometimes the transition can be bumpy.





A hole ripped open in space and unleashed a deluge of putrid water. The flood splashed across the roof of the Shadowkeep, carrying with it one very large, very wet, very angry Demon.

Reaching up through the spray, Worrt waved his paw. The portal pinched shut and the disgusting torrent ceased. Spluttering, Worrt rolled to his feet. He had resumed his ten-foot stature and shook himself dry like an oversized hellhound.

A puddle collected around his feet.

He was in a foul mood.

“I hope somebody’s prepared to get their arse kicked for this,” he said to no one in particular.

He stood at the base of the stairs leading up to the sacrifice platform. Although he couldn’t see what awaited him there, the light of wild magic blazed into the sky. It could only mean one thing.

“Seeboth,” he growled as he started up the steps.

At that moment, a pinwheel of green lightning wrapped around the blade of a magic sword came spinning down the steps.

Right at him.

Too late did he realize what was about to happen.

“Dammit! Not again!”

With a flash of green light, the tip of the Judgment Blade touched Worrt’s chest and, with a burst of red light, the Demon’s body burst into a thousand pieces that vanished in every direction, scattered across the reaches of time and space.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Judgment’s blade embedded itself in the last step.





And now let us return to the previous timeline, already in progress.





As the flash of red light faded, Laura yelled, “You were supposed to catch it!”

“You threw a flaming magic sword at me!” Paul yelled right back. “How am I supposed to catch that?!”

“My power! Damn you — all my power was in that sword!” Seeboth raged.

That declaration got Paul’s attention. He turned toward the wizard and hefted his Singing Sword.

Seeboth frowned and muttered, “Perhaps I should’ve played that a bit closer to the vest.”





46



A HELPING HAND


A cylindrical shaft pierced the core of the Shadowkeep, plunging from its upper floors all the way to its foundation. A series of irregular stone steps spiraled along the inner wall and climbed in a clockwise fashion, the one way up or down the tower. Because these treacherous stairs had no railing, the only thing likely to catch anyone careless enough to fall was the ground.

Whooping with triumph, Jack dodged from the torture chamber and carelessly stumbled onto these stairs.

He began to race upward, the open shaft yawning to his right, and he made the mistake of carelessly leaning over to take a look. The moment he did so, he carelessly slipped on a loose stone.

And that’s how Jack fell from the stairs.

However, he managed to catch the edge of a step before the shaft completely swallowed him.

Unfortunately, it was the same step with the same loose stone that had tripped him to begin with, and now the loose stone gave way.

And that’s how Jack fell from the stairs a second time.

However, before the shaft completely swallowed him yet again, a hand clasped his wrist and jerked him to a stop.

Unfortunately, it was a hand attached to a severed arm. Jeremy the Zombie leaned over the steps, clutching his own severed arm in his good hand. He had extended the severed arm as far as he could in order to catch Jack before it was too late.

Though Jack dangled over a shaft fifty stories above the ground, he still recoiled from the undead hand and refused to touch it. “Diseases! Remember what I said about diseases?!” he cried.