Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(60)

“I realize falling to your death is not a disease,” Jeremy said as he hoisted Jack onto the stairs, “but it will kill you just the same.”

As soon as Jack found himself safely on the steps with his back pressed firmly against the wall, he immediately began to spit on his wrist and scrub it with his shirt tail. He nodded at the severed arm and said, “You really need to get that taken care of.”

“Oh, it’s not as bad as it looks,” Jeremy said. “Besides, Zombies don’t feel pain. I’ll just sew it back on when I get the chance.”

The pirate bodyguards finally figured out where Jack had gone and came spilling onto the stairs after him.

“Huh, no pain… is that so?” Jack glanced from the pursuing pirates to Jeremy and said, “Look, don’t take this personally, but—”

Planting both hands on Jeremy’s chest, Jack shoved the Zombie down the stairs. Jeremy tumbled head over heels, dropping his arm as he went, and bowled over all the pirates just like a giant-sized version of the famous children’s game, Knock-Down-The-Pins-With-A-Ball. The horde of pirates and the lone Zombie all crashed out of sight.

And that’s how the pirates fell down the shaft.

Conveniently, their disappearance from the stairs cleared the way for Captain Head to come lumbering around the bend.

“Bravado!” he wheezed, sounding like a steam engine about to explode. “You won’t get ridda me that easy!”

“I’m really getting tired of this,” Jack sighed.

“Yer tired?!” Captain Head exploded. “Try luggin’ an iron skull up a hundred flights of stairs! Now, hold still and I’ll finally gut ye proper!”

And that’s precisely what he started to do.





47



THE SHORTEST CHAPTER IN THE BOOK


The third buckle burst open.

Then the fourth.

Then a screaming mass of furious shadows exploded from Demog’s chest cavity.

Best not to linger here.





48



FACING THE FACE OF THE FACE OF FEAR


Paul and Seeboth glared at each other across the expanse of the sacrifice platform.

The prince pointed the Singing Sword at Seeboth’s chest. “This ends now.”

The dark wizard extended his arms to his sides and waggled his fingers in challenge. “I’m right here.”

Suddenly he pointed over Paul’s shoulder and cried, “Get him!”

Paul looked.

Although he had just fallen for what would one day be regarded as the oldest trick in the book, considering how young the world was and how new the trick was, the fact that it worked this time is somewhat less surprising.

Seeboth sprinted for the stairs.

Realizing his mistake, Paul lunged after him and tackled the wizard, sending the two of them rolling down the stairway.

Left alone, Laura raced to the altar.

“Quick, we have to get these off!” she said.

She and Princess Luscious strained valiantly against the chains that bound the princess, but their efforts had no effect.

“Hurry, Laura!” Princess Luscious said. “I give you permission to rescue me this time!”

“I’m working on it!” Laura squinted. “But you’re kinda blinding me!”

It was true. Princess Luscious continued to glare, ripe with all the terrible energies of uncreation awaiting their release. She tried to cover herself to no avail. “Sorry,” she said. “Just unlock me so we can go!”

“I’m trying! But there’s no key!”

“Ooh!” Princess Luscious pointed toward the stairs. Her arm beamed like a spotlight. “His belt! It’s on his belt!”

The key in question did indeed dangle from Seeboth’s belt, a belt that was currently bouncing down the stairs as Seeboth and Paul tumbled to the roof of the Shadowkeep. At the last second, the pair narrowly avoided cutting themselves in half upon the edge of the Judgment Blade. The weapon still stood tall and sharp, embedded deep within the last step.

Upon reaching the roof, Seeboth kicked Paul aside and lunged for Judgment’s handle… but the sword refused to budge.

BAP!

Judgment of a different sort, in the form of Paul’s fist, punched Seeboth in the face and sent the dark wizard reeling.

Paul approached the sword reverently, the sword of the greatest knight who ever lived, and reached out to clasp its handle. With one easy motion, he drew the majestic Judgment Blade from the stone.

Choirs of angels began to sing — although that was really just the Singing Sword feeling inspired by the moment — and a holy light bathed him — although that was really just the wild green lightning buzzing along the length of the blade — and a tidal wave of shadows tackled him — although that was really just Fear Incarnate come to finish the job it had started.

Paul rolled away from the stairs and Judgment clattered from his hands.

Smearing the blood from his nose, Seeboth picked up the weapon and pointed it at Paul. “Enough of your heroics! Demog, finish him! I have a spell that’s boiling over!”

Seeboth wheeled up the stairs and left Demog’s Fear Essence alone with the prince. The cloud of darkness swooped in on Paul before he could rise, the shadows congealing into Fear-Luscious once more. Paul tore out the Singing Sword, but Fear-Luscious just sneered and jammed her shadow fist into his face. Her ghostly cold fingers sank through his eyes and fanned out into his mind.