Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(52)
Demog’s project awaited him in a windowless torture chamber deeper within the Shadowkeep. Bony pillars held the chamber’s high, shadowy ceiling aloft like a cavernous ribcage. The space was surprisingly clean, its disturbing array of implements carefully organized and well maintained.
In the middle of the room, Laura hung suspended within the gears of an elaborate torture device. Hundreds of cords and straps entwined her body, stretching back through a complicated array of pulleys and pistons. Jeremy the Zombie slowly secured the final straps.
“I apologize for your accommodations, my lady,” he said.
Laura tried to look around her, but the straps circling her face and neck prevented much movement. “Is this… a torture chamber?”
“My master’s hospitality does leave something to be desired,” the Zombie replied. “I’m sorry—”
“Jeremy!”
With a weary sigh, Jeremy said, “Urrr…”
Demog prowled into the room and admired Laura’s predicament. “Yes,” he said. “It looks good on you.”
37
BLOODY VENGEANCE
A baby gull fluttered on the beach beside Seeboth’s putrid lagoon, too weak to fly.
A short distance away, a hungry crab spotted the easy meal. Snapping its claws in anticipation, it scuttled toward the helpless fowl, right over the Singing Sword, which lay half-buried and forgotten in the sand.
The Sword began to sing.
Your insecurities,
Oh how they mortified,
You thought that you could never face
the curse you carried deep inside,
Still you faced up to the fight
When all you wanted was to hide,
And then I cried,
Because they killed you and you died…
Upon noticing the crab, the baby bird flounced away, but the crab closed in, its terrible pincers clacking, and it finally cornered the bird against a piece of driftwood. Its claws scissored wide— —and Paul’s hand erupted from the sand, sending the crab scurrying away!
The Sword took its song up a notch.
But you’ve escaped
From Netherspace,
You just opened up your eyes
And dug your way out of your grave,
The bad guys should have checked your pulse, They thought they’d taken your last breath, But how could they have suspected
You’d come back to get revenge!
Paul scrabbled clear of the sand, spitting and spluttering and blinking.
“Ta-DAH!” sang the Sword triumphantly.
Paul scooped up the weapon. “Good to hear you again,” he said.
“I’m so glad you’re not dead,” sang the Sword.
“Yeah, me too,” said Paul.
Their brief musical reunion was interrupted by a voice calling across the water: “You can relax now! I’m back!”
Punching through a wall of mist, the Sargasso Sphinx sailed into the lagoon. Jack stood at the helm with the self-assured slouch of a man who believes every ego-stroking thing a Demon perched on his shoulder might whisper to him. He was so busy listening to just such a Demon, in fact, that he failed to hear the creaking of a much larger ship as it emerged from the mist right behind him.
Paul, however, saw it immediately and tried to flag Jack down. “Look out! Behind you! Jack, look behind you!”
“Yeah, yeah, I see you!” Jack called, returning Paul’s wave but completely misreading its significance. “I know you’re relieved, but just calm down and give me a chance to dock.”
Paul could not calm down.
The reason for this was not, as Jack imagined, because Paul thought Jack could make everything better. It was because of the huge battleship bearing down on Jack at ramming speed.
“What is that?” sang the Sword in a tremulous vibrato.
“It’s a pirate ship,” Paul said.
In fact, it was the biggest pirate ship Paul — or the world — had ever seen. It was the kind of pirate ship that swallowed other pirate ships for breakfast the way a whale swallowed krill. It was the kind of pirate ship that struck terror in the hearts of any who stood against it right before its crew stuck their swords in the hearts of any who stood against them. It was the kind of pirate ship with the name Bloody Vengeance splashed across its bow. And it was the kind of pirate ship with Captain Head raging at its helm.
“It’s Bravado, me hearties!” bellowed his steam-shovel jaw. “Vengeance be ours! Fire at will!”
Rows of cannons arrayed along the ship’s bow eagerly began to go BOOM! Although cannons do not, as a rule, sound eager, that is precisely what these cannons did.
Before we follow the trajectory of those cannonballs, we must first take a momentary look deep inside the bowels of the Shadowkeep, where a legion of Zombies milled aimlessly about their holding pen.
Typically, these Zombies would be responsible for maintaining the Shadowkeep, keeping things clean, rebuilding outhouses, and serving drinks, but with Seeboth currently so focused on the Spell of Unmaking, they had nothing to do at the moment but wait for direction.
Then they heard the BOOM of the cannons.
All of their dead eyes immediately flared a savage red as the sound of battle triggered their combat enchantment, flipping them into Horde Mode. An undead security system, they shambled en masse down to the beach to protect their master and his property.