Happily Ever Awkward (The H.E.A. Files, #1)(48)
Because most gods tend to look the way we want them to look, I will avoid describing either of the contestants in much detail. As with all things related to religion, their appearance is best left open to your interpretation.
The first god was dark and brooding, and his name was Gauron.
The second god was fatherly, bearded, and amiable. His name was Jahalael, and he was blowing on the dice in his hand.
“Hey, no blessing the dice!” roared Gauron.
Jahalael winked at him and rolled the cubes, producing the sound of thunder. Literally, the sound of thunder, loud enough to be heard around the world. The dice grumbled to a stop, each displaying a single pip — known in certain circles as “Sea Serpent Eyes.”
“You lose, Jahalael!” laughed Gauron. “Your little prince is dead!”
One of the lesser gods standing near the table noticed Paul among them.
“Hey, who let the vapor in?” he demanded. “This club is supposed to be restricted!”
When Jahalael saw what the lesser god was referring to, he hastily ushered Paul through a side door.
Outside the casino, a field of golden clouds rolled gently past. A plaque on the door they’d just come through read:
HOLY PERSONNEL ONLY
As Paul stumbled along behind Jahalael, a group of beautiful, scantily clad angels drifted down and attempted to force-feed grapes to him. So confused and disoriented was he that he swatted them away as if they were mosquitoes.
“What’s going on?” he asked. “Where am I?”
“Oh, this?” Jahalael asked. “You’re dead.”
Paul’s mouth dropped open and one of the gorgeous angels promptly shoved a grape into it.
“Came as quite a shock to me, too. I had a lot riding on you,” the god said.
Paul spat out the grape. “I’m dead? I’m really dead?! But if I’m a ghost, that means you’re…”
“Jahalael the Omnipotent.”
Jahalael slipped on some tinted spectacles. This god wasn’t just omnipotent; he was omnisuave.
Paul instantly knelt, his face buried in the clouds. “Oh, my Lord, most high Jahalael, I meant no offense! Please do not smite this pathetic worm! Glory to your name! Glory to your name! Glory—”
“Please, that’s enough,” Jahalael said, trying to pull Paul back to his feet. “Thank you. Get up, you’re embarrassing me.”
At that moment, the casino’s side door banged open and Gauron burst out, trailed by an entourage of lesser gods. He made a beeline straight for Jahalael. “You’ve had enough time to lick your wounds. I want what you owe me.”
Jahalael held up both hands and tried to calm his rival. “Hold on. Double or nothing, my champion still completes his Quest.”
“Your champion is dead!”
“A technicality.”
“He doesn’t stand a chance down there!”
A sly look crossed Jahalael’s face. “Then let’s up the stakes. If he fails again, I’ll forfeit my godhood to you. I’ll become mortal. However, should he succeed, you yield to me so I alone am sovereign here. Is it a bet?”
“Ha!” Gauron scoffed. “Don’t be foolish! You can’t win!”
“Then what have you got to lose?” Jahalael took a carefully calculated beat, one he had been planning for eons. “Or… are you simply afraid?”
That stung Gauron. “So be it! For all of heaven!”
He whirled back into the casino surrounded by his toadies.
Paul stared, dumbfounded. “Why… why does everyone keep betting on me?! Look, I couldn’t rescue Luscious the first time!”
“Well, you’re definitely the underdog here,” Jahalael agreed. “But I see greatness in you, Paul. Why else would I gamble the fate of the universe on you?”
One of the angels had managed to sneak another grape into Paul’s mouth, but it was unclear whether he choked on the piece of fruit or upon Jahalael’s words. “Wait a minute, did you just say ‘fate of the universe’?”
“Well, yes, a Spell of Unmaking pretty much means universal apocalypse.”
Paul’s shock had reduced him to a state of simply repeating whatever anyone said to him. “‘Spell of Unmaking’? ‘Universal apocalypse’?!”
“The Spell of Unmaking is why Seeboth needs to sacrifice Luscious,” Jahalael said. The god draped himself across a tuft of cloud, languidly crossed his legs, and began ticking off points on his fingers. “He’ll be able to undo the seams of reality, render the gods powerless, and gain total power over the omniverse. It’s quite spectacular, actually, but the proper alignment of planets only occurs once every thousand years—”
“I’m not qualified for this! You can’t put this in my hands!”
“Already did.” Jahalael leaned forward and whispered, “And not so loud — the other gods don’t know. They think it’s just the princess thing.”
“Lord, please, you have to tell them!”
Jahalael laughed as if that were the funniest thing he’d ever heard. “Oh, Paul, they’d never agree to the bet if they knew. Just trust your god. I’ve been planning this for a long time. That, and I’ve got a little gambling problem.”