Confessions of a Curious Bookseller(31)
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to pick a bar or a historic landmark or what, so I suppose I’ll wing it. I love walking from Washington Square park and across the other parks (it might all be one park for all I know, but to me they are different) until I get to Penn’s Landing, where I can walk along the river. Old City has such a romantic layout, with cobblestones, horse-drawn carriages (make sure to look where you are stepping!), and people dressed in colonial garb. I have always wanted to walk through there arm in arm with a nice man. Perhaps someday I will. The cemetery on Pine Street is also quite lovely and relaxing. Sometimes there is a man who sits among the graves wearing a Viking helmet (horns and all) and just stares out at nothing. One can never know what one might stumble on in Philly, which is why it is such a glorious city.
The Brass Tacks
A man. (I am not a lesbian, though I did kiss a girl on the playground when I was five. I don’t remember much except for the cat poop we discovered shortly thereafter in the sandbox.)
Preferably of Irish descent, though I am open to all cultures and backgrounds.
You must like cats.
You must like reading books.
You must be okay with me drinking a little.
I am not a social butterfly, so maybe a more socially adept man would be good for me?
Muscular.
Hygienic.
Handy.
I respect your religious beliefs, but I am not interested in going to church/temple/mosque with you or hearing about your superstitions.
Conclusion
If you are tired of casual, meaningless couplings, are looking for a long-term relationship, and are okay with gray-haired women (I will not dye it for you), then we might have a shot. Additionally, you MUST be okay with being third in importance after my cat and my bookstore.
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:04 AM
To: Staff
Subject: Excrement
Dear Sam or Kyle,
Can one of you please own the task of donning some rubber gloves and taking care of the biohazard outside the front door this morning? I would appreciate it if we handled it before opening the store.
At the moment I am indisposed in my upstairs apartment dealing with a sudden refrigerator leak, so thank you in advance for your swift attention to this matter.
Thank you,
Fawn, Owner
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:08 AM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Excrement
Gross! Is it human?? Why would someone do this?
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:13 AM
To: Staff
Re: Excrement
Sam, Kyle,
I do believe it is human. I think I saw a Corn Pop in there. Also, I don’t know why someone would choose to make a bowel movement on the front steps of our store. In times like this, I ask not why but how we can solve the issue and move on.
Fawn, Owner
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:15 AM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Excrement
Hi Fawn,
Respectfully, this is a biohazard, so maybe we should get the city involved.
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:19 AM
To: Staff
Re: Excrement
Respectfully, Sam, I don’t believe you will become sick if you put on gloves, throw it in a plastic bag, and dispose of it in the trash can outside at the corner.
Fawn, Owner
From: Kyle Krazinsky
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:23 AM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Excrement
Hey Fawn,
How about we just wait for it to freeze over and pick it up then? And while we wait, just throw a blanket over it?
Best,
Kyle
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 9:30 AM
To: Staff
Re: Excrement
Staff,
I’ll clean it up.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 28, 2018 at 7:18 PM
To: Staff
Subject: The Grumpy Mug Calling
Dear Staff,
After we closed, I received a call from Mark at the Grumpy Mug accusing one of us of placing the excrement in front of his store. If he calls accusing us of such things again, please inform me immediately. I am sickened that he would think I was capable of such a heinous act.
Along those same lines, we cannot keep going as we are and hope to stay successful. We all need to put our heads together and think up what we can do to help turn things around. I believe a good start would be adding a coffee stand to our arsenal. It will be at no extra cost to us, as I have a large jug of Folgers that has been sitting on my refrigerator for god knows how long and plenty of plastic cups from a picnic a couple of years ago. Please let me know what you can contribute from your own homes, and that way it won’t end up costing us anything extra!
Also, many thanks to whoever filled up the bowls of food for the alley cats. If you do so and notice the bag is getting low, please let me know and I’ll run out and buy more.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Sat, Dec 29, 2018 at 8:18 AM
To: Mark Nilsen
Subject: Garbage
Dear Mark,
Today I walked outside to discover a trash bag in front of our building with old food and other questionable and rancid substances within. I went through it (with rubber gloves) and found, much to my surprise, that it was from your store due to the many receipts inside. Congratulations, by the way—it looks like your hippie customers are big spenders indeed. Either they have excellent jobs or (more likely) they are running up their credit cards—an unsustainable act to be certain, so it would be unwise to rely on their business for much longer if that’s the case.