Confessions of a Curious Bookseller(26)
Mom has decided that she’s worried about how much money you spend on taking care of the alley cats, as if it’s her business. And the coupons! OMG, she won’t stop with the coupons. If you haven’t heard from me in a few months, send a search party. The coupons have likely crushed me to death.
Flo
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Thu, Dec 20, 2018 at 7:18 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Subject: Mark Twain books
I was thinking about the books, and I got this idea. What if we put out an ad to schools and youth organizations and stuff like that? They tend to buy in bulk, right?
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 20, 2018 at 8:01 PM
To: Staff
Re: Mark Twain books
Angela,
What a fine idea! Surely that will be an easy way to rid us of these albatrosses. It is a comfort to know my employees care enough to strategize on off-hours.
I’ll send out an advertisement at once!
Many thanks,
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 20, 2018 at 9:30 PM
To: Jacob Whitney
Subject: You Win
Dear Mr. Whitney,
I am writing to concede my position on this book dilemma. I hereby relieve you of all ownership or responsibility of these books. I have devised a strategy, and I may be able to spin this manure-covered straw into gold. Simply put, our correspondence here is over. Enjoy your rum, and don’t stand directly under the coconut trees—the fruit tends to fall.
Sincerely,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
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From: Mark Nilsen
Sent: Fri, Dec 21, 2018 at 4:09 PM
To: Fawn Birchill
Subject: Gossip about my store
Hi Fawn,
So, I saw that review where “Sybil C.” complained about my store, and I’m a little shocked. We keep our bathrooms exceptionally clean. Also, to attack my five cats is a pretty low blow. I’m not sure why you’re doing this. Can we talk?
And also, I know it’s you. Sybil C. is supposed to stand for Sybil Crawley from Downton Abbey, right?
Mark
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 21, 2018 at 5:01 PM
To: Mark Nilsen
Re: Gossip about my store
Dear Mark,
Though I haven’t been inside your store, many of my customers have. Unfortunately, I cannot control their opinions regarding your establishment. If some find the bathroom to resemble a filthy porta potty, then there is nothing I can do. Or if they feel as if your (is it really five?) cats all act as if they fell into a can of paint and had to drink their way out, there is also absolutely nothing I can do. Surely you saw that I attempted to defend your store, and what I was writing was not slanderous, as Sybil wrote it first. Your claim that I am Sybil is both insulting and sickening. You may not know me very well yet, Mark, but understand that as you get to know me, you’ll find that I am nothing but honest, upstanding, and fair. Regarding what else I’ve been writing on phillysmallbiz.com, it is not slanderous in any way. Perhaps if anything I am being too kind, as I have never set foot in your store and have nothing on which to base my kindness.
This effort to explain myself has gone on far too long. I am too busy to put out petty fires and must go back to my helm and run my ship like the admiral that I am. I do hope that we can put this misunderstanding behind us and become friends. Stop by the store sometime!
Sincerely,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a The Adventures of Tom Sawyer specialist store)
P.S. I hear that you sell alcohol after five and your store becomes a sort of book bar. It is an interesting combination, mixing alcohol and reading. Whenever I try this at home, I end up falling asleep and waking in the middle of the night confused and dehydrated. Do you often have to scrape dozing people off couches and chairs? Sounds like more trouble than it’s worth!
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Dec 21, 2018 at 6:34 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Staff Cuts
Dear Staff,
I am going to cut one of you the week of Christmas (twenty-sixth to the twenty-eighth). It isn’t worth me paying all three of you to sit around sucking on candy canes and dusting the banisters. You can draw straws and let me know who wins!
Also, the holiday party will be held January 2 from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m. at the store. There will be Domino’s pizza, mulled wine, and soda. Feel free to bring something like beer or a tray of sandwiches or cookies. I will try to make some cookies if I find the time. Please RSVP, and feel free to bring any significant others!