Confessions of a Curious Bookseller(19)
Speaking of, what would you like? Anything from the bookstore (except for the rare books) can be yours—just name a title! For me, I don’t want much. As an aside, do you think Joseph can get good deals on microwaves? The “2” and the “Minute Plus” button are defunct on my current microwave, so instead of putting the timer on for 12:00 minutes, I have to put it on for 11:59. I also use “Defrost” quite a bit, and lately that button has been finicky.
I must be getting old because I have started to freeze my baked goods and leftover dinners just like Mother does. Call me crazy, but it sounds like something that only a Depression-era survivor would do. Or perhaps it is lengthening her life span and her memory—preserving her baked goods, thereby preserving her life and her imprint on the world. If this is true, she probably can’t bear to see her own food go moldy. It must feel like someone walking over her grave.
Wish me luck tomorrow. I will be very busy in the next two months, so don’t get your hopes up for me visiting you or the parents. I will stay young by staying busy—even if it kills me!
Fawn
From: Florence Eakins
Sent: Thu, Dec 13, 2018 at 10:23 AM
To: Fawn Birchill
Re: Christmas!
Hi Fawn,
Please don’t do too much for us this year for Christmas. To be honest, I’d do away with our gift exchange altogether, but I know how much it means to you to have something to open. If that hasn’t changed, let’s keep things modest? I’ll see what we can do about a microwave, but no promises. Joseph’s employee discount isn’t as great as you’d think, and of course the boys want literally everything they lay their eyes on, haha, so Christmas is always an expensive endeavor.
Is Mom sending you coupons in the mail? She keeps bringing paper-clipped stacks over to us every time she visits, along with cutout comic strips, and I almost went berserk on her yesterday. We literally don’t have the time to sift through those coupons or read the comics that she insists we adhere to the fridge. I can’t sometimes with her. I’m this close to telling her to stop.
Flo
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 13, 2018 at 11:39 AM
To: Jacob Whitney
Subject: Important Issue, Pick Up Phone
Dear Mr. Whitney,
Thank you for delivering the books this morning as promised; however, there is one thing blatantly wrong that I fear you were, might I say, keeping from me throughout our correspondence.
I’ll put it rather bluntly, Mr. Whitney. I believe I have been fooled, and I believe you think me a total idiot to accept these books. If I had been there receiving the shipment myself, I would have noticed the issue immediately and refused them. Unfortunately, my slow-witted employee accepted the books and not only that but has loaded the shelves of the Mark Twain Room with 850 copies of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.
What, Mr. Whitney, am I to do with 850 copies of the same book? Do you honestly believe that 850 people will walk into my store all wanting Tom Sawyer? Additionally, they all seem to be from the 1960s at the earliest, and many bear childish renderings of male genitalia in the margins.
You may have seen the advert I recently published in the Philly Weekly announcing that I will have close to a thousand various Mark Twain books. I have already received emails from people all over Pennsylvania regarding this, excited to see the diversity of the rare and varying books I will have for sale. So not only have I been cheated, I have subsequently cheated my customer base, and that I cannot abide. What am I to tell them?
I demand that you refund me the money and come by to take back the books, for I do not have any use for them in my store. This has been an enormous disappointment, and I am just sick to my stomach over it. My eye alone has broken its twitch record. I can barely see out of it! And this all culminating with the advent of the Grumpy Mug down the street and their delightful CONSTANT Christmas music pumping from their store eight hours a day, welcoming in passersby with promises of hot chocolate and a bright, warm, comfy place to sit while they read whatever books they sell (probably a measly variety, I’m sure). I thought for certain my business would be turning a new corner this year, but clearly I was wrong. How on earth am I to offer anything different now? Without a specialization, how am I to compete?
You may collect the books Monday through Thursday anytime before noon. Just let me know ahead of time so that Kyle has time to pack the books back up. I would deliver them myself, but the only address I have for you is a post office box, and I doubt the post office will let me leave 850 books on the floor by your box.
I appreciate your prompt response.
Best,
Fawn Birchill, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
Dear Fawn,
I know this couldn’t have been my daughter’s meat loaf because hers isn’t as good. Did you leave this or did someone else? Thank you if it was you. It makes me think of my daughter.
—Jane, your tenant
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Thu, Dec 13, 2018 at 8:32 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Strategy
Dear Staff,
Due to the plethora of Tom Sawyer books, I have had to think long and hard about a solution. I’ve decided against putting out another advert stating that the books have sold out before I said they were to go on sale. I feel that is also going to be cheating my customers. I have not yet heard back from Mr. Whitney regarding when he will be coming by to pick up the books and refund me the money, so it might be best to just keep going with the sale as planned and see what, if anything, we can sell. I believe we should be up-front about it to our customers, but spin it in a rather positive way by telling them that Tom Sawyer is by far Twain’s best book and everyone should own a copy. And with every Tom Sawyer sold, we will throw in a free candy cane. I am hopeful. This snafu couldn’t have come at a better time of year, where almost anyone will buy anything as long as it is pushed enough and something free is thrown in.