Confessions of a Curious Bookseller(15)
And may I remind you that, though quite successful, I am not ready to spend $300 for four people. I really don’t want to resort to a pizza delivery for our holiday party, but it’s looking closer to reality. What if we left out the pepperoni and the prosciutto? That would leave it at $200, and then with the discount of 40 percent it would only come to $120—quite affordable! And since nothing should be done for free, I will offer you a lifetime discount of 20 percent on all my books. How does that strike you? Do let me know.
Yours in business,
Fawn, Owner, The Curious Cat Book Emporium (a Mark Twain specialist store)
P.S. What does a catering company do for a holiday party? Do you eat your own food, or do you hire another catering company? I’ve always wondered.
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Tue, Dec 11, 2018 at 8:45 AM
To: Staff
Subject: Alphabetization
Dear Staff,
A comes before b, and b comes before c. If you cannot learn to properly alphabetize, then I will hold an after-hours seminar on the fundamentals. I wonder how many people walked out of my store and went to the Grumpy Mug when they couldn’t locate Dickens because he was tucked between Tolkien and Tolstoy.
Joyce comes after Ben Jonson, not before.
Fawn, Owner
From: Gregory Harris
Sent: Tue, Dec 11, 2018 at 9:12 AM
To: Fawn Windsor
Subject: Christmas in the tropics
Fawn!
Writing to you from a beach in Turks and Caicos. Just went for a morning run, and now I’m bumming around. I wish I could take off my real estate hat and just enjoy myself, but like a lion amid a herd of gazelle, I look around and all I see is fresh meat.
I’ll be here until mid-January. My family is joining me in a couple of days. We rented a beach house together that overlooks a cove. It’s very desolate out here, which I prefer. In order to get anything in town, I have to hop on a quad and drive it down the beach! How are your holidays so far?
Gregory
From: Fawn Windsor
Sent: Tue, Dec 11, 2018 at 9:34 AM
To: Gregory Harris
Re: Christmas in the tropics
Dear Gregory,
A Christmas gathering in Turks and Caicos sounds lovely. I think your family has the right idea. I for one will be shackled to the family estate assisting with a large event where we will attempt to be merry and bright but will instead probably end up trying to push each other into the fireplace. It doesn’t matter how much tinsel I place around or how big and decorated the tree is. It never seems to push the holiday spirit beyond our hard, stubborn exteriors. Christmas is a strange holiday for families that don’t get along. We dislike each other for 364 days out of the year and then childishly expect a single day of gift giving to wash all the bad blood away. Being around my family during the holidays is like watching a bad play. Phrases like “thank you,” “so delighted to see you,” and “Happy Christmas” are jumbled in their mouths and caught between their teeth, struggling to make their way out and to sound halfway truthful. We playact liking anything that is given to us. Instead of being grateful as I turn the horrible knitted hat in my hands, I instead think of how I can sneak it into the bin when no one’s looking . . .
One of these years, Gregory, I am going to adopt your idea and flee to somewhere tropical, leaving the tepid festivities to my miserable sister who cracks her signature pained smile when she gets something she doesn’t like. Pretending to like something you hate is so important on Christmas, for it keeps the peace. If we end up fighting on what should be the happiest day of the year, then we are all doomed. In a funny way, though, I love the comfort of being surrounded by people on Christmas, even if I can barely stand them. As of late, the numbers of family and friends stopping by during Christmas have decreased, and I find myself less surrounded by those that were once so loyal to me during the holiday season; however, I cannot take it too personally. I understand that things change, and people can be as transitory as the tides. That said, it is a comfort to have loyal people by my side because their presence teaches me that I am not all that horrid to be around after all.
Have a wonderful time down there, and wear lots of sunscreen!
Much love,
Fawn Windsor
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Tue, Dec 11, 2018 at 8:07 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Tills
Dear Staff,
For those of you who left early today and didn’t settle the tills with Angela, I want to inform you that the machine is accurate and that sales are indeed abysmal. I know during our meeting we all denied giving away books to people who come into the store, but I cannot stress how important it is to no longer do that. I see bodies in the store, but no one is buying. Can you please watch where they go after they leave? I fear it is to the Grumpy Mug. If that is the case, we need to pull out all the stops this Christmas. We shall not be donning our gay apparel this Christmas, shipmates, but instead donning full battle gear. Report back to me as to how many customers go to the Grumpy Mug, and if the numbers are what I think they are, we have to change tack.
Fawn, Owner
December 11, 2018
We will get through this. I will get through this.
I don’t visit my bank account landing page anymore because the numbers are enough to invoke the eye twitch, so lately I just wait for the email alert telling me that I have less than fifty dollars in my account. That’s when I throw another fifty in from my paltry savings and have a glass of wine.