Blessed Tragedy(6)

I have to be dreaming. Everything that's happened in the past twelve hours can only be explained by psychotic hallucinations brought on by grief. What other explanation was there for the fact that I'm pulling into Denver in the backseat of my brother's minivan two days after my mom died with my dad and all of my brothers? The same family who has been all too happy to tell me how selfish I am for following my dreams at all costs were now escorting me to tonight's concert when we should be getting everything ready for the funeral.

“Do I even want to know?” I asked, arms folded tightly across my chest.

“Sorry Moo,” Mark said not at all apologetically from the middle seat, “it's another promise we made to mom.”

Hearing them all talk about promises they made to mom killed me. They had the chance to make promises. They made promises that involved my life without taking my feelings into account. I doubled over sobbing, my exhausted mind unable to process everything.

“Hey,” Matt said unbuckling to climb into the back seat next to me. “It's okay Moo.”

I really wish they'd quit calling me that. If they call me that in public, I'll kneecap their asses too. I don't care if it's Dad. Kneecaps will be crushed Tonya Harding style.

I'm not sure I'll ever get used to the nurturing side of Matt. Maybe he's only being that way because of everything that's going on and life will go back to dysfunctionally normal at some point.

“Hey, look at me,” Matt said softly. Mark joined us on the bench seat and I knew it was going to be an emotional night. The last time I had two brothers comforting me was probably when I was seven years old. “Mom made us promise that if there was any way around it, you wouldn't miss a show. Mark called Colton while I was talking to you in the kitchen to let him know what was going on.”

I looked from one brother to the other and then to the front seat. “You do know what type of music we sing, right? What are you guys doing while I'm in there?” It seemed ludicrous to think they'd come to the concert. Not only did they have better things to do but there was far too much grit and not enough folk in our music to suit their tastes.

“Mark warned us,” Mike called back from the driver's seat. “He said you guys aren't that bad as long as we try to pay attention to the lyrics and ignore the rest.”

I started crying harder. I knew Mark had come to some of our shows and was proud of me, but it meant the world that he was willing to stick up for me to the older two. And it was overwhelming to know that my entire family was going to be in the audience when I walked on stage tonight. Realizing that the entire family wasn't going to be there made me break into a full-on ugly cry complete with hyperventilation. Why couldn't this have been happening sometime in the past so Mom could have seen me too?

“Moo, you gotta calm down,” Mark whispered in my ear. “You know Colton's gonna give you shit if you're crying like a baby.” He was right. It'd be done in good humor but it would be merciless and would go on for years.

“I don't know if I can do this,” I wailed. It was the first time in five years that I couldn't imagine getting myself pumped up and running out on stage. I lived for it. The screaming crowds and heat from the lights fed my soul.

“I know you promised mom but I really can't. They already made changes because I wasn't going to be here,” I said trying to place the focus on business. “I can't just expect them to change it up again.”

Mark pressed his fingers under my chin to keep me from going on. “Maddie, I already talked to Colton. He was surprised when I told him but said he'd take care of everything. Now, can you please promise me you'll go out there and kick some ass tonight? I've seen you do it. Let them see it,” he said pointing at our brothers and father. “Show them that it's all been worth it.”

The sign hanging over the freeway showed that we had four miles to the exit. That meant four minutes on the highway, three minutes on surface streets and however long it took to get through security. That wasn't much time to prepare my straight-laced, closed minded family for what they were going to see.

“Did you tell them that this,” I said pointing to my outfit, “is going away as soon as I step on that bus? I don't need Dad having a heart attack when he sees me on stage tonight.”

My dad turned in his seat, “Moo, I've seen pictures of what you look like on stage. I don't like the outfits and you don't need all that makeup and crap hanging off your face, but it's all worth it for the light in your eyes.”

Another wave of sobs overcame me as we pulled up to the red light at the bottom of the ramp. Matt and Mark rubbed my back trying to assure me it'd be okay.

“Aww, Maddie, don't cry. I'm sorry it took this to get me to come around,” Dad said pinching the bridge of his nose to hold back his own tears. “There's so much I'd do different if I could but I can't. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and I know your mom was sorry too. We can talk more about that later, just know I'll suffer through whatever crap I have to if it means I get to see you live and in-person.”

I wiped the tears from my eyes as Mike pulled up to the security shack at the back of venue. I needed to get my act together before getting out of the van. If this is what they told Mom they'd do, I didn't really have any choice but to go on stage and put everything I had into every song for her.

“Let's do this. And FYI, anyone calls me Moo while we're here; I'm likely to come unglued. I can't expect you to call me Rain, although I'd prefer that, but Moo is simply unacceptable.”

My declaration was met with snickers from all three of my brothers while Dad tried to remind them to respect my wishes. I shook my head in disbelief that these were the same brothers I'd convinced myself hated me which led to wondering why we couldn't have found a way to get along sooner so we hadn't lost five years of time together.

“I'm gonna jump on the bus for a minute to make sure the guys are decent. Mike, can you run and get me something to eat? Nothing heavy, just a salad or something. When you get back, they should let you right through and you can park back here.”

“Yes, ma'am.”



Jon and Travis were still scrambling to sit when I opened the bus door. Their plan to pretend they hadn't been watching my brother's minivan failed miserably.

“Hey boys, mama's home.” I flopped into one of the captain's chairs near the front of the bus thankful to be back in the place that made my life make sense. Between the emotional drain I was expecting and the freight train of confessions that hit me on the way here, I was barely holding it together.

“So, they just drop you off and they're running away?” Travis asked as he handed me a cold beer.

“Nope. Apparently Colton has passes for them. He and Mark are in on this shit together.” I looked to the back of the bus to see if the bedroom door was open. I wanted to have a word with Colton before the guys got back. He could have given me a heads up. “Let's pretend it's just another night. Too much shit to get into right now. I need to grab a shower but they'll to be back. Where's Colt?”

“He's inside taking care of some shit. One of his guitars got damaged after the last show and he's trying to figure out who to kill,” Jon said as if it was just another day at the office. Colton probably was trying to keep from hurting someone, especially if it wasn't a back-up piece. “Just go do what you have to. Mark's with them so he can play buffer if shit goes south.”

Remembering everything my brothers told me in the past thirty minutes, I didn't think that was going to be a problem. I was more worried that the guys were going to think I'd lied to them about how my family treated me to get them to stay away. Mark might wind up having to be the buffer between me and the band instead.

“Okay,” I conceded. “After talking to them on the way over, I don't think that'll be a huge issue. Maybe take them in and show them around while it's not insane. That'll help the shock factor tonight.”

“Don't worry, I'm good with family.” Travis wrapped his arm around me and pecked my cheek. I'd have been more confident if his breath wasn't giving away the fact that he already had a pre-show beer buzz in the works.

It was definitely good to be home. I sighed, realizing I'd be yanked back out of my comfort zone as soon as the show ended. “Go, get beautiful. Colton already put your shit in your dressing room. Take your phone and we'll call you after the grand tour.”





Chapter Four



Walking through the empty halls, I tried to clear my mind of everything except tonight's performance. I'm a creature of habit. When I don't get to go through my “game day routine” as Colton and Jon call it, I have issues taking the next step towards show time.

Instead of heading straight to my dressing room, I decided to do a quick walk through to get my bearings and hopefully find Rain. Bottles of water filled the opening behind my main riser. Lubrication spray for my throat was sitting in front of the drums on Jon's platform. A quick chat with the tech told me my guitar was ready to go for the few songs I'd need it for. There was only one person who could make it seem like I had been here all day and I needed to remember to thank him later.