Blessed Tragedy(5)

When I shot out of my seat to leave, Matt grabbed me, wrapping his arms so tightly around my body I couldn't have moved if I wanted to. And that's when I felt everything I had left in me flood out like a breached levy.

In a moment of tenderness I had never experienced in my oldest brother's arms, we sank onto the kitchen floor and he rocked me. It seemed like we sat there forever with him rocking me and brushing my hair away from my face as I shuddered in anguish. He didn't try to say anything else until I was calm enough to understand his words.

“Hey, Moo, it's not what you're thinking,” he whispered. “She loved you more than anything. I think she loved you more than she loved any of us--”

“That's not true and you know it, Matthew,” I sobbed. If she loved me, she would have made them get me home in time. She wouldn't have tried to talk me out of doing what I love. She would have celebrated my successes instead of sighing in disapproval every time she looked at me or when we talked on the phone.

“It is,” he assured me. “Okay, so she'd never say she loved you most but she always wanted a little girl. When she got pregnant with Mike, we used to pray for him to be a little girl. And well, we got closer with Mark, but it wasn't until you came around that she got what she always wanted.”

I whipped my head up from Matt's shoulder when he mentioned Mark. “Oh come on, tell me you didn't know,” he laughed. I laughed with him, as wrong as it felt to be laughing when we were supposed to be mourning.

“I did,” I admitted, “but he's spent the past seven years trying to make sure you guys didn't know. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but people in this family tend to pass judgment pretty quickly.”

“You're right, but that's not the point right now,” Matt scolded. “Mama loved you. She didn't want us calling you because she knew you'd be driving past today. We all thought she had more time and she figured you could stop by when you drove through and that would be enough.”

For the second time in sixty seconds, my jaw was on the floor. “She did?” I asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, she did. Believe it or not, mom followed your every move online. When we knew it was getting close, Dad wanted to call you. She wore herself out begging him to let you keep doing what you love and said she'd wait for you. And as crazy as it sounds, I really think she tried. She loved you, Maddie-moo.”

That brought on a second wave of uncontrollable sobbing. I'd spent so many years staying away because I thought she hated me only to find out two days after she died that she kept track of what I was doing and where I was going. That was the first time I believed Matt's accusations that I was a selfish bitch.

Never before had I felt like I would lose it if I didn't talk to Colton immediately. Nothing was making sense and I needed him to translate life for me. I got off Matt's lap, gave him a peck on the cheek and ran to my room.

She really did love me. She knew what I was doing. She gave up seeing me so I could live my dream.





Chapter Three



“Madeline Grace,” Mike hollered up the stairs, “have your backside in a seat in five minutes or we're leaving without you.”

I didn't want to go anywhere. Everything Matt told me had given me the worst tension headache I could remember having in a long time. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to enjoy the fact that I had a bed to sleep in that didn't rock from side to side as we ambled down the freeway. And now, they were dragging me out of the house.

“Dammit Mike, I just got off the road,” I whined as I stomped down the stairs. “Think you could let me rest for just a little bit?” It was risky, using my over-the-road status as a reason to not go anywhere but I was too tired for wit.

“No can do, Maddie-Moo,” he sing-songed as he walked out the front door. “Get in the minivan; we have to hit the road.”

Matt, Mark and my dad were already in the van by the time I slid my way to the back bench seat. At least I'd be able to stretch out and get a cat nap. I didn't care if I only slept for five or ten minutes, I was beyond the point of exhaustion.

As I buckled my seat belt, I noticed the same smug expression on the face of all three of my brothers and my dad. Something was going on and they weren't telling me. I was used to it, had been for years, but that didn't make it any less infuriating.

It felt wrong to be piling in for a road trip but Mom wouldn't have wanted us to stop living when she was gone. The arrangements were made, the first family members would be arriving tomorrow afternoon and nothing would bring her back. Might as well see what they had planned and go with it.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary as my brother, Mike, eased the van onto the Interstate. It seemed early to be going to dinner but I figured we might be going to do some shopping in preparation for the barrage of family descending on us in the next few days. It wasn't until he drove past the last exit for the city that I started to wonder what was going on.

“So, do we have a destination in mind or are we all running away from home?” I asked with a hint of snark.

“You'll see, Maddie-Moo,” Matt said with a mischievous grin. It was a sight I had seen so infrequently it made me nervous.

“Really not in the mood for games today,” I sulked. No games and not a fan of surprises. They know this. I've always hated surprises. And if ever there was a time they'd be inappropriate, it was now.

When no one would answer me, I picked up my cell phone to text Colton.



On the road, no one will tell me where they're taking me. If you don't hear back, assume they've left me in a ditch somewhere.



I curled onto the bench seat trying to keep myself from getting worked up. The guys were tighter than a virgin at the beginning of prom and there was no way they were going to tell me where we were going. I had to do something I hadn't done in years. I had to trust my brothers and my dad.

Some time later, I was pulled out of my exhausted sleep by the sound of my phone chirping.



I'm sure they're not going to kill you, but always good to know who you're with just in case. I'll call you in about 30, k?



Yep, that works. Miss you.



Miss you too. It's not the same without our little storm cloud running around.



Bite me. Talk to you soon.



I looked at the clock on my phone and realized I'd been sleeping for over an hour. That meant we'd been on the road for almost an hour and a half.

“Mike, did you get us lost again?” I whined through the silence in the van. Matt and Mark were both sleeping in the middle seat and dad was staring listlessly out the passenger's side window. I wanted more than anything to unbuckle and go hug him but I didn't figure my sheriff’s deputy brother would appreciate waking up to my ass brushing past him on my way to the front seat.

“Nope, I know exactly where we're going,” he called back smiling into the rearview mirror. “Mark, get your ass up,” he said reaching behind his seat to slap Mark's leg.

“I'm up,” he grumbled.

“Sure you are,” Mike laughed. I rubbed my eyes, certain I was still dreaming. Everyone seemed so normal. Even if it wasn't for the fact that the men had just finished planning our mother's funeral, this was too normal. It felt like we were a functional family. “Everything taken care of?”

Mark glanced down at his phone, “Yep. I'll forward this text to you so you know what to do.”

The only thing worse than non-verbal discussions was when they talked about things right in front of me in a way I couldn't understand. I slumped back in my seat and dialed Colton's number.

“Hey, how's my favorite storm cloud holding up?” he asked as soon as the call connected. I'd never been a fan on nicknames; I'm pretty sure that made those close to me want to use them even more.

“Fuck you,” I snapped. Any trace of a good mood was overshadowed by my brothers planning something and I didn't want to deal with Colton's taunting on top of it.

“Hey now, don't snap at me. I'm assuming since we're talking that they haven't killed you and thrown the corpse in a ditch yet?” There was something off with his tone. After spending every day for five months and nearly every day for five years with someone, you learn to pick up on little inflections.

“No, still alive but they've got something shady going on,” I grumbled. I caught the sight of more buildings out of the corner of my eye and took a minute to pay attention to my surroundings.

“Fuck me,” I blurted.

“Madeline Grace Neumann,” my father said sternly. “You will kindly watch your language while you are in our presence.”

“Haha, Maddie got in trouble... Maddie got in trouble--”

“So help me Colton, you call me that again and I will kneecap your ass in front of God and everybody,” I spat. The *s were all in on this together. “And since I'm assuming I'll be seeing you in about ten minutes, don't tell me I couldn't do it because we both know I can.” I hung up the phone without another word.