Begin Again (Again #1)(76)

I squeezed my eyes shut to suppress my tears. Dawn grabbed my hand and held it tight.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Crystal, I just wanted the best for our family,” my mother said, and I knew that this was the only apology I would ever get from her. That was it. But at least I’d said everything that I should’ve said years ago.

“You hurt me, Mom. A lot. And on Thanksgiving you showed me again that my feelings mean nothing to you. You allowed me to attend this event even though you knew he’d be there. Saving face in front of your friends was more important to you than your daughter’s well-being.”

She took another breath as if to speak—but remained silent. Dawn raised her eyebrows at me, and I shrugged. Mom said nothing. And then: “So I drove you out of our home?”

“I’m not returning to Lincoln any time soon. Woodshill is great.”

“You belong in a big city, Crystal,” she snorted. “Not in a village where everyone drives around in rusty trucks.”

She almost made me laugh.

“I’m not Crystal any more, Mom. I haven’t been for several months now. My friends call me Allie. Maybe you can accept that I am building a life for myself here, a life that can make me happy,” I repeated the words I’d prepared in my head before calling. “I don’t want to shut you out of my life, Mom. That doesn’t help you, or me—but if you can’t accept who I am, there’s no other choice.”

Dawn squeezed my hand so hard that my knuckles cracked.

“I can’t accept the path you’ve chosen. Whatever you think of me, I only want the best for you. And that is, in my opinion, not Woodshill and certainly not a tattooed thug who’ll only lead you astray.”

Her words stung.

“If she’s being mean, just hang up, Allie,” whispered Dawn, pantomiming the action.

“You’re welcome to visit me. Or not. It’s up to you. But I’m not coming back.” I paused. “And now I have to hang up.”

Mom sucked in another breath.

“Take care, Mom. If you want, say hello to Dad for me,” I said in a somewhat forgiving tone.

“Take care, Cr—” She caught herself. “Take care, Allie.”

I hung up and let the phone drop.

“I’m proud of you,” Dawn said, with a big smile.

“Does it sound stupid if I say, ‘me too’?”

Now my friend shook her head, but the smile stayed put. “Not at all.”

And even though I was still shaken, and my pulse was racing, I returned her smile. I’d done it: told my mother what I thought and freed myself from her. Now the ball was in her court. It was up to her to decide whether we had a future.





Chapter 33


Stressful would be an understatement. While back in class full time, I somehow managed to squeeze in one apartment visit after another. But the distraction did me good. Turns out, finding an acceptable apartment in the middle of a semester was easier than at the beginning of the semester. Maybe some students realized they weren’t college material. Either way, most of the viewings went okay.

Kaden and I had only one shared class. Film and TV. I’d considered dropping out and taking it next semester. But no. Why should I hide just because he thought he couldn’t be with me?

Instead, I just avoided Kaden, and pretended he didn’t exist.

Today’s classroom assignment was to place films and people in different production categories and periods. We were supposed to come to the front of the room and stick our little notes with names and titles in the correct columns on the whiteboard. I reached for a magnet to put my first note on the board when I felt someone standing behind me. It had to be Kaden. His arm pushed past me and over my shoulder, as he stuck a note on the board.

I froze.

“Can we talk?” Kaden’s breath brushed my ear, he was standing so close.

I wanted to turn and go back to my seat, but Kaden held me by the elbow. It was all I could do not to look at him. Instead of lifting my eyes, I stared at his hand on my arm. My pulse was so fast, I was dizzy.

It can’t work. I can never be with someone like you; his words rang in my head.

Without looking him in the eyes, I removed his hand from my arm. I returned to my seat and, heart pounding, began to copy the notes from the board. Kaden turned and left the room.

After our last class of the day, Scott and I sat in the campus café waiting for Dawn to get out of class. Both of them wanted to come along to one last apartment viewing today. What would I have done without them?

Lattes in hand, Scott and I navigated our way up the creaky wooden steps of the café. All the window seats upstairs were taken, but we found a little table in the middle of the room.

We hadn’t even sat down when Scott asked: “How was Film and TV?”

I sighed. Actually, I wanted to forget about the encounter with Kaden, but somehow Scott had a nose for news. “He actually spoke to me. He asked if we could talk.”

“And? Can you?” Scott asked, with raised eyebrows.

“Probably not.”

“Maybe he has something important to tell you.”

“Like what? That I left my tampons in the bathroom?” I asked a bit too loud; the girls at the next table stopped talking and stared at us, annoyed.

“Allie?”