Begin Again (Again #1)(80)

I filled one of the cat mugs and placed it in front of Kaden on the coffee table. Then I sat as far from him as possible on the sofa.

“Nice place,” Kaden remarked, taking a sip.

“How did you even know the address?” I asked, puzzled. The thought came to me just now.

“Your stuff didn’t fit into Spencer’s car, so we took the Jeep.”

My shoulders tightened. “You drove my furniture here?”

Kaden nodded. “I hope that’s okay.”

He’d brought my furniture here. I stared at him, confused. My eyes wandered from his eyes to his full lower lip, across his shoulders and arms, and again up to his eyebrows, which were knotted in a frown. Every muscle seemed tense, as if Kaden, too, were struggling to stay put on his end of the sofa.

Even though he’d hurt me, I still wanted him, no question about it. I longed for his touch. My fingers clawed at the pillow on my lap, and my eyes fixed on a candle on the table. I tried to get my pulse under control. Only then did I dare to look at Kaden again.

“So.” I cleared my throat. “You had something to say.”

His expression took my breath away. It was full of pain and longing, and it intensified all the feelings in me.

“Allie,” Kaden whispered, his voice hoarse. He shook his head and swallowed hard. Then he clenched his fists and rose.

Staring at him, I didn’t dare move.

He came toward me. Right in front of me he knelt and pushed my knees slightly apart. I held my breath.

“Kaden.”

“I just want to talk. That’s all.” He supported his hands on my sides. His arms touched my thighs. “I just can’t concentrate when you’re at the other end of the room.” He cleared his throat. “Is it okay with you?”

I nodded before my thoughts focused. After all, I’d missed having him around. It felt right to be so close. Strictly speaking, my body was convinced that it was not close enough, but my head insisted that I should pull myself together. These two sides of me didn’t seem to be in accord, to say the least. So I stayed in my position and clutched the pillow against my lap like a life belt.

“First I want to apologize for my behavior,” he began. “I was wrong to treat you like that, and I regret it. But that day I was sure I’d made the right decision.”

“Why? Tell me,” I whispered.

Kaden took several deep breaths. “About three years ago I spent a weekend with Spencer at the ocean. You’ve got to see this place, by the way. Everything is natural, steep mountains rising above the Pacific, foaming waves, beaches more perfect than in any movie, and—”

“Kaden?” I interrupted him. “We aren’t talking about Oregon’s coast right now.”

He shook himself as if to organize his thoughts. “Now I know why you always blabber.”

I just looked at him and waited. It took an effort for him to confide in me. He opened his mouth several times, only to slide his tongue over his lips and close it again.

“After I came home,” he continued, “I visited Kendra. I hadn’t seen her for a week, and I was so glad to be back home, and wanted to … ” He cleared his throat. “I wanted to show her how much I missed her, if you understand what I mean.”

I nodded. A queasy feeling spread through my stomach.

“She went crazy, Allie. She pushed me away, hyperventilated and cried. I stopped and asked her what was going on.” Now Kaden was speaking fast, his words tumbling out. “I thought she was in one of her phases. We’d been together two years, and I knew her moods. So I thought she was upset that Spencer and I had gone away without her. At least that’s what I thought, until … ” He fell silent and lowered his head.

“What?” I whispered.

He looked at me. “Until she broke up with me then and there. Just like that.”

Nodding, I encouraged him to continue.

“I knew something wasn’t right. And after being together two years, I felt like she owed me an explanation. When she kept on avoiding me and then didn’t even want to see me, I got angry. I put my hands on her shoulders to get her to turn around.” Kaden’s face contorted in pain. “The moment I touched her, she started to scream. Deafening. Without stopping.” He swallowed hard. “Her parents rushed into the room and demanded to know what kind of party we’d been to, and what I’d done with her there. I didn’t know what they were talking about since I hadn’t seen Kendra for days. I started to argue with her parents, and they threw me out of the house.”

Kaden paused again. We both seemed to be holding our breath. My grasp on the pillow loosened, and I almost reached out for Kaden. But I couldn’t. Not yet.

“What happened?”

“That same day I went to see her best friend. I wanted to find out what happened to Kendra while I was away. Mia didn’t want to talk to me at first, but I insisted and then she told me that she and Kendra were invited to a party by a couple of college guys. Kendra had disappeared at the party and appeared the next morning at Mia’s door, hysterical and frightened. Her tights were gone, and there were bruises on her arms.”

“Oh no,” I murmured.

“I think we both knew what had happened, but neither of us dared to say it out loud. I drove like a madman to the guy who had thrown the party. But he didn’t even know who I was talking about.” Kaden gave a grim laugh. “Then I begged Kendra’s parents to let me see her again. She still hadn’t told them what had happened, and I think they were pretty desperate. So they let me up to see her. I was able to convince Kendra that she could trust me, that we’d get through this together. The whole time, she stared past me at the wall. But I didn’t let up. I had to hear it from her. Even though I hated myself for it, I asked her straight out if someone had raped her.” Kaden cleared his throat. “And then she said ‘yes.’”