Begin Again (Again #1)(73)

I ran my hands over his shoulders, neck, up to his cheeks. “I’m not Kendra. I will not just disappear, Kaden,” I assured him.

It was the wrong thing to say. Kaden jerked back and grabbed my wrists, tearing my hands away from his face and stepping back.

“What happened with us,” he let the words fall, “was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Something broke in me. I gasped. But Kaden was not finished.

“Stay away from me, Allie. I mean it. I can’t take this shit right now.”

My hands were tingling; I wanted to slap him so badly. But I wouldn’t give in to this desire.

Instead, I felt myself shut down. The pain and the fear became so overwhelming and unbearable that I had two options: I could let it break me. Or I could push everything, every single sensation, into the farthest corner of my heart until there was nothing but a cold center. I could numb myself before the pain did it for me.

“So you want me to leave?” I asked. My voice was calm, no trace of the sadness or anger that was shaking my core.

Kaden nodded once and averted his eyes. “Yes.”

“You want to end our relationship like this? By throwing me out of the apartment?”

“The rules were there from the start, Allie.”

My teeth clenched. “And they were doomed from the start—your words.”

“I say a lot when I want to have my way.”

“Don’t act as if you only said it so I’d let you in,” I hissed. “There would have been more effective ways to do that.”

Kaden breathed out. “Why are you making it so hard for me?”

“Because, goddammit, I’m not one of those girls you can hook up with and toss to the trash heap. I’m the girl who lay in your arms and confided in you about her own painful past. I’m the one who—”

Kaden put a hand on my mouth. “No.”

I pushed it off. “You can’t just call it quits because you’re afraid to share your past. I know how hard it is, Kaden. Believe me. But I did it anyway.”

“And that’s my problem!” he cried, rubbing both hands on his face.

I froze. “What did you say?”

“Allie, please, I can’t. I tried … it just won’t work.” He swallowed. “I just can’t be together with you. It’s not about you. It’s—”

“Because of Anderson? Because of the thing with my mom?” I whispered.

He shook his head. “There are just some things that … happened. Things that would destroy you if you learned about them. It can’t work. I can never be with someone like you.”

His words shattered me. I backed away.

Something dark flickered in his eyes. “And sooner or later we would have broken up anyway, believe me. It’s better this way.”

I suppressed my tears. My protective walls stood up at once. Then I looked into Kaden’s eyes with as much contempt as I could muster. Cool and calculated, even though I was falling apart inside.

“I’m not the kind of woman who runs after anyone, Kaden. You should know that by now.” I squared my shoulders. “If you want me to go, I’ll go. But don’t think I’ll ever come back.”

It seemed like an eternity passed before he nodded. “I can live with that.”

So I did it. Turned around and left, though my heart hurt so much that I could hardly move.





Chapter 31


Dawn opened the door and looked at me in surprise. She prepared to speak but then saw the pillow in my hand and the suitcase on the floor next to me. She scrunched her eyebrows with concern and stepped aside to let me in. Sawyer didn’t seem to be there, but I didn’t care.

Not at all.

Dawn asked no questions. She pulled the suitcase into the room, then took me by the hand, and led me to her bed. She murmured something. I saw her lips moving, but my ears were throbbing with my pulse, my rage, my heartbreak so I couldn’t understand her. Dawn left the room.

I sat on her bed, dangling my legs and staring at my socks.

Dawn returned with two cups of steaming tea, which she set on the nightstand. She pulled back the covers and helped me get comfortable. Then she got in next to me, and I lay my head on her lap. With my face against Dawn’s leg and my fingers clutching her sweater, I let the tears come.

I cried for hours. Dawn didn’t move from the spot. She pulled the blanket over me and stroked my hair, murmuring comforting words as my body shook with violent sobs.

At some point I was too exhausted to do anything but stare at the wall. It felt as if someone had torn every organ from my body.

Everything hurt.

My eyes grew heavy. I fell into a deep sleep.

As the week went on, sleeping turned into the high point of my days. Those were the only hours when I didn’t feel the overwhelming pain. Eating and even drinking were hard for me. I left Dawn’s bed to use the bathroom, nothing more. I skipped all my classes. It would have killed me to see Kaden there.

Dawn was an angel. She brought notes from our classes and photocopied Scott’s notes from the classes she wasn’t taking with me. To my relief, Sawyer didn’t show up much.

On Saturday, Dawn arrived with Scott in tow. They’d brought pizza. The aroma made my stomach rumble. But when Scott opened the box, I felt tears at the corners of my eyes. Everything reminded me of Kaden. It was ridiculous and terrible, but I couldn’t help it. Even though I’d slept more in the last few days than in the rest of my life put together, I felt drained and empty.