Before I Saw You(80)
‘Thank you.’ He kissed her warm cheek and felt the skin flush instantly.
‘Welcome home, son.’
He was loath to admit it but the party was actually quite fun. For a good three hours Alfie didn’t think about the hospital once. He was too busy being passed around with the canapés, from friends to family back to friends again, all so happy he was back home. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad. Maybe transitioning back to his old life was just like pressing start again after a very long pause. Life had gone on, time had passed, but no one had forgotten him and nothing had changed dramatically.
Except for him.
‘Everything all right over here, son?’ Robert appeared with another tray of food. How on earth his mum had managed to mass cater at such short notice blew Alfie’s mind, but he reached for a handful of the spring rolls and shoved them unceremoniously into his mouth. The more he ate, the less he had to speak. ‘Glad to see you haven’t lost that appetite of yours.’
Alfie smiled and nodded.
Suddenly it all felt too much. There were too many people and there wasn’t enough room to breathe. The spring rolls felt stuck in his throat, the wet pastry clinging on and refusing to go down.
No.
Surely it wasn’t happening again.
They hadn’t happened like this in weeks.
Please, not here. Not now.
Alfie managed to force his way through the gathering of people and out into the hallway. He needed to be alone and away from all the noise. The voices in his head were growing louder and louder, and it was becoming harder to drown them out. He reached for the front door and sat down in the porch. As the fresh air hit him, so too did the force of the flashback. Uncontrollably and unwillingly he was dragged back to the night of the accident. The screams, the cries, the burning smell of tarmac and flesh.
No.
Please, stop it.
NO!
‘Alfie?’
He was back. On his parents’ front step. Cold. Shaking. Drenched in sweat.
‘Alfie, son, are you OK?’ Robert was crouching by his side, still clutching the tepid tray of snacks.
‘Yeah, sorry, just felt a bit dizzy was all.’ The words tangled themselves up in each other and Alfie was surprised they managed to form a sentence.
‘I understand. It’s a lot in there, isn’t it?’ He managed to squeeze himself into the tiny gap between Alfie and the doorframe. ‘Do you want me to start encouraging people to get on their way? We’ll take you back to your flat as soon as they’ve cleared out.’
‘No, it’s fine. I know how much it means to Mum. I’ll be back inside in a bit. I think I just needed some air.’ There he was again, the people-pleasing Alfie who’d rather sit here reliving the day his friends died than risk upsetting the party.
‘Sure?’ Robert looked at him, alert to any hint of a lie.
‘Positive.’
62
Alice
Apparently, for Alice recovery was quicker the second time round. She was healing well, her blood pressure was stable, and she was regaining strength day by day. Although the operation hadn’t improved her injuries, it seemed it hadn’t done any further damage either, and according to her recovery plan she was still on track. To everyone around her, this news was miraculous. To Alice, it was just adding salt to the wound.
‘You’re doing so well.’
‘Considering what happened, you’ve bounced back incredibly quickly!’
Bounced back to what?
The same mess I was before this whole pointless ordeal?
The silver-tongued voice inside her head had returned and this time it was taking no prisoners. Angry thoughts gnawed away at her, feeding off any hope or trace of positivity that remained. Bitterness crystalized inside her stomach; it sat sour and heavy, weighing her down with its solidity.
How had she found herself back here again?
What would Alfie say if he knew?
She could hear the sound of his voice so clearly in her mind that she forgot for a moment he wasn’t actually there with her. Her eyes snapped open.
Oh God, how long has it been?
‘Excuse me, nurse.’ She looked round wildly for any sign of help. ‘Nurse!’ Her voice was strained in panic.
‘Yes, Alice, is everything OK?’ Someone was by her side. She didn’t even register their face; she just needed answers.
‘How long have I been here for?’
‘Erm …’
‘Tell me. How long?’ She didn’t care that she was practically shouting; she had to know.
‘It’s been just over a week, sweetie.’
No.
He can’t have gone.
Not without saying goodbye.
‘Has … has anyone been to visit me?’ Her heart was racing as her body tingled with anticipation.
‘No. The nurses from the rehab ward asked after you a lot. Actually, so much so that we had to ban them from coming up here. But apart from that, no one.’
He’d kept his promise.
She couldn’t even wait for the nurse to leave before the tears came.
‘Alice, what’s wrong?’
She buried her face deep into her pillow. ‘Nothing. Please just go!’ This was a private pain. It was all hers and she didn’t want anyone to bear witness to it.