Before I Saw You(79)

It was surprising to hear her own thoughts again. How long since she’d been able to do that? What had happened to her? She tried to lift her head but it was too heavy. In fact, her entire body felt as though someone had filled it with lead.

‘Alice, my name is Mr Warring. I was your surgeon. Do you remember me?’

I’m tired, leave me alone.

Why did doctors always insist on trying to tell you things when you were half asleep?

‘Alice, I need to tell you some very important news, so I have to make sure you can hear me and understand.’

She forced her eyes open. One look at his face and everything came flooding back.

The operation.

Her face.

Sarah.

Alfie.

‘What happened?’ Her voice was so hoarse that if it hadn’t come from her mouth she would have sworn it belonged to someone else.

‘I’m afraid there were some major complications with the surgery.’

Oh God, no.

‘You lost an awful lot of blood and you went into cardiac arrest. We …’

He paused.

Why was he pausing?

Alice could feel the blood surging through her. Why was he looking at her like that?

‘We were unable to finish the operation.’

Her hands immediately flew to her face. There were bandages wrapped around her.

‘What do you mean?’ The nausea crawled up her throat, making it hard to breathe.

‘Unfortunately we had to abort the operation before it was complete. We think we managed to make some improvements, but we can’t be sure until you’re fully healed.’

He didn’t even have the decency to look her in the eye. Why was he talking to the goddam floor? Could he not stand to see the monster he’d failed to fix?

‘I’m so sorry. I’ll come back tomorrow to check on the wounds. In the meantime, is there anyone you’d like us to call?’

She shook her head.

How could she tell them it hadn’t worked? How could she admit it had been a huge mistake? It had failed. Nothing had changed. She was still broken, and she needed to get used to the fact that now she always would be.





61


Alfie





Leaving the hospital was one of the most surreal experiences of Alfie’s life. As he walked out into the car park, he was half expecting someone to tap him on the shoulder and tell him they’d made a mistake

Not today, son. Back you go.

Instead, all he had was his mum pulling him towards the car, itching to get her precious gift inside and on the road. She’d been flying high from the moment she laid eyes on him, and he could tell even Robert was trying his best not to cry now. Alfie wished so badly he could join them in their joy, but the only feeling that sat at the pit of his stomach was a cold sharp anxiety.

The drive home brought back so many memories that Alfie found himself lost in a blur of nostalgia. The streets he’d driven down but rarely paid attention to, buildings he’d walked past but never taken the time to look inside, restaurants he’d eaten in and never gone back to. Every one of them so familiar yet so different. It was the same old London, his same old neighbourhood, but something had changed. He’d changed. Life had seamlessly gone on without him, yet in that time Alfie’s entire world had been turned upside down. He felt like a stranger in his own city, conflicted and confused as to where he belonged. Anxiety spiked in his chest.

Take me back to the ward. I need to go back.

‘You OK, Alf?’

His mum’s eyes had been dutifully watching him in the mirror.

‘Yeah, all good, Mum.’ He smiled and rested his forehead against the window.

One step at a time … that’s all it takes.

Even as he stood outside his mum’s front door, he couldn’t help but feel apprehensive. It was so surreal that at one point he wondered if he was dreaming.

‘Come on, let’s get you inside.’

He took a deep breath, willing his heart to slow down as he stepped over the threshold.

‘Surprise!’

Alfie’s entire body was thrown backwards in shock. If Robert hadn’t been behind him, he was sure he’d have ended up on the floor.

‘Fuck-ing hell!’ He didn’t mean to shout. He didn’t mean to swear. But by God, his heart was about to throw itself out of his chest.

He closed his eyes.

Breathe, Alfie. Just breathe.

Slowly he opened them again. Staring back at him was a room full of very concerned and very awkward-looking people. Friends and family he knew and loved so deeply that as soon as he saw them he couldn’t stop smiling.

‘Are you trying to send me back to that hospital or what!’

‘You gave us all a fright there!’ His mum nervously grabbed his hand and led him further into the room.

He’d managed to salvage the situation. Just.

After the shock had worn off, Alfie had to admire the speed at which his mother must have worked. In the space of the few hours since they’d been given the all clear, Jane Mack had managed to pull together one hell of a party. Balloons filled every possible space left between the ‘Welcome Home’ and ‘Congratulations’ banners strung across the room. Food and drinks were covering every available surface, and Alfie noticed even the furniture had been cleared to make room for the crowd. He knew how much this meant to her. He knew how much it meant to everyone in the room for him to be here. He stopped and pulled his mum in for a hug.