Be a Doll(80)

“I knew you’d say that.’’ Her eyes went to her hot chocolate that probably wasn’t that hot anymore. “I’m so scared.’’

“Of course you are. You care.’’ I forced a smile on my face when all I felt was disconnected and worried for her. Mostly, I felt disconnected. I had never had that kind of fear, or concern in my life. I never had the kind of love Megan felt, I never had a man I held on a pedestal because the few times I had let myself feel something when I was younger, they only wanted me for sex or to manipulate me. My heart had not been broken, but it cracked a bit. My heart was damaged and my current situation wouldn’t solidify it. I knew it like I knew my life was on the fast track to explode in my face, to leave me with wounds so deep I wouldn’t know how to heal them.

“What about Mathis?’’

“Mathis?’’ I pursed my lips and took a sip of coffee to stall and settle my nerves at the mere mention of my husband. “Chance won’t breathe a word to him. Not yet, anyway. Right now, you shouldn’t think of other people. It’s not about Mathis, after all. It’s your life. Yours and nobody else’s.’’

“And if Chance breaks my heart?’’

“Then you call me and we have a girl’s night, something I’ve never had, might I add.’’ I smiled at her and it wasn’t as stiff as before. “No matter what, you’ll have an answer and you deserve that.’’

She nodded, but it didn’t look like she was sure. “It’d be easier if he was a man I wouldn’t cross paths with regularly.’’ Her turned down mouth twisted in repulsion. “I’m going to humiliate myself.’’

“Of course you won’t!’’ I gently tapped on the back of her hand holding her hot chocolate. “It’s not because you’re taking your situation in your own hands that you’re going to humiliate yourself. If he doesn’t respect your feelings he’s not the man you thought him to be.’’

She blew out some air and straightened in her chair, visibly steeling herself. It was easy to pick out the cracks in her armor, but she slowly went back to her usual self right before my eyes and it made me feel good to know I was of some help in doing so.

“I’m going to do this.’’ She gulped the last of her hot chocolate as if it was hard liquor and put down the empty mug with more strength than necessary. “Today. I should do this today because the man appears to always be with some amazon of a woman on the weekends.’’ She cringed at that part. “Thank you again, Lila.’’

“You’re welcome.’’

We both stood up and when Megan hugged me, a smile, warm and sincere, stretched my lips upward. I returned her hug and ignored the foreign feeling in my arms at the movement and instead enjoyed the sudden familial tie that seemed to bind me to her.

“I need to catch Chance for his lunch break,’’ she said and pulled back. I caught a spark of apprehension in her bright green eyes, but nothing I thought would stop her.

“You should go now then. Good luck and let me know how it goes.’’

She nodded and waved at me after thanking me for paying for the coffee and her hot chocolate. I watched her retreating figure through the wide window of the coffee shop and wished my worries could be tamed as easily and quickly as Megan’s.

One look down to my left hand and the gleaming ring on my finger was a constant reminder of the kind of mess I was stuck in, the kind of mess I buried myself in a little more every day.

***





MATHIS


“Thank you,’’ my mother said distractedly as the waiter put her meal in front of her and promptly left once I took on myself to pour us a glass of sparkling water when I found he took too long to put down two plates. My patience ran thin, quite like every day, but today a restlessness made me unsure of how long I could last without blowing someone’s head off.

“Good choice on the restaurant,’’ I said in approbation upon tasting the first bite of my salmon perfectly cooked and with just the right amount of lemon to the sauce that made my taste buds dance.

Her eyes briefly widened before she took a small bite of her clams. I watched the fork shaking madly in her dainty grip as her perfectly manicured hands, unsteady, screamed her emotional state. The next bite of my salmon tasted like ash in my mouth then.

“Mom,’’ I breathed out and put down my cutlery and clenched my hands into tight fists on either side of the white plate full of what had just been making me salivate, but now only repulsed me.

The wary expression on her face was a punch, a right hook straight to my gut. I put that expression on my mother’s face and I would beat myself up to a pulp if it were possible. Lila’s words came back to me, reminding me what I put my mother through, how I never seemed able to close the gap between us.

“You look tired,’’ she pointed out gently, her voice full of concern for me when I didn’t deserve it.

“A lot is happening these days.’’ I gave the restaurant a cursory look and nodded when I recognized a high-ranked employee at a company GM Enterprises had hired regarding an ad campaign. The man wearing a suit too tight at his growing gut nodded back before his lunch companion caught his attention again. That prompted me to focus on my mother again. “Mom, I invited you for lunch because I need to… hm… apologize.’’ I rubbed at my temple then, starting to want to fidget like a damn child ready to admit doing something bad to his parents. I was a thirty-two-year-old man who was sweating from nerves apologizing for being an ass to his mother. It wasn’t exactly the kind of image people had when my name was said in a conversation.